(I work at a clothing store where we have a strict coupon policy. I get a customer, 15 minutes before we close, with a coupon and a couple of items.)

Me: “Hello! Did you find everything okay?”

Customer: *sighs* “Yeah, I guess.”

Me: “Are you a part of our rewards program?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(I look up her points and everything is fine and dandy.)

Customer: “I have a coupon.”

Me: “Sure! Can I see it?”

Customer: *shows me coupon*

Me: “Okay! So, you have to have [certain amount] before taxes, and two of your items are clearance, so they are not eligible for the coupon.”

Customer: “What? I have used coupons on clearance items before. Why can’t I use them now?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I’m not allowed to take these coupons on clearance items; it’s store policy. It says so in the fine print at the bottom of the coupon.”

Customer: “That’s really stupid. I’m telling you I did it the other day and all of my stuff was clearance. Whatever. I’m going to bring all that s*** back.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I’m going to have to charge you for the clearance items separately.”

Customer: “Fine, whatever.”

(I go through the second transaction, and she starts complaining.)

Customer: “Why do you have to charge me separately? You just want me to pay double the taxes! This is the stupidest s*** I have ever heard! Can I speak to your manager?”

Me: *calls manager*

Manager: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes! She told me I couldn’t use my coupons on the clearance, so she charged me separately so I had to pay double the taxes!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s just a precaution we take so clearance items don’t get validated with coupons; it’s store policy.”

Customer: “That’s stupid!” *storms off*

Me: “Does she not know how taxes work?”

(I’m the idiot in this story. I am in a store that sells exercise equipment. I am having trouble finding a particular item, so I track down an employee and ask for help.)

What I Should Say: “Excuse me, sir, I would like to know if you sell yoga balls. I can’t seem to find them.”

(What actually happens:)

Me: “Hey… uh… Do you have balls?”

Employee: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Do you have big balls? I want giant balls.”

Employee: “Uh… I don’t think I can help you with that.”

Me: *thinking I was being very clear* “Okay, thanks, anyway.”

(I left the store and didn’t realize what I had said until I was almost home.)

(The summer after my freshman year of college, I decide to live in an apartment with three other girls from my school. One of them is a fellow freshman, and the other two are upperclassmen who have already been living in the apartment for a few months. On my first day off work while living in the apartment, I do some laundry with the in-unit washer. But when I want to put my clothes in the dryer, I can’t find the lint trap. Only one of my roommates is home at the time, and she’s about to leave for work. She’s one of the ones who’s been living here for a while.)

Me: “Hey, [Roommate]? Where’s the lint trap?”

Roommate: “Oh, there isn’t one!”

Me: “There isn’t a lint trap?”

Roommate: “Yeah! It’s because the apartment complex got those new energy-efficient dryers.”

Me: “But that has nothing to do with lint!”

Roommate: “It’s amazing what they can make things do nowadays, isn’t it? Anyway, I’ve got to run!”

(She left for work before I could say anything else. After a bit of investigating, I found that there was a lint trap, hidden in an awkward place at the back of the dryer. My roommates had been ignoring it for so long that it was clogged with compacted lint. It took 30 minutes to pull it all out so I could dry my clothes. Afterward, my roommates were amazed at how much better the dryer worked. I was just amazed they hadn’t started a fire.)

Customer: “Excuse me, can you help me with this photo machine?”

Me: “Yes, what’s the problem?”

Customer: “It printed all of my photos, but it’s telling me to bring the receipt to the counter, and it’s not printing a receipt.”

(Our kiosk’s receipt printer hasn’t worked in years, so we frequently have to give this explanation.)

Me: “The summary it printed after the last photo is what we use. It tells you how many pictures were in the order, and we can figure the price out from that.”

Customer: “But I don’t know how much photos cost!”

Me: “Well, they’re 29 cents each, and it says here there were 13 photos, so with that—”

Customer: “But it doesn’t tell me how much it’ll cost, or how many photos there are!”

(She begins counting the photos by hand, so I grab the calculator and work out the cost.)

Customer: “…twelve, thirteen. Now to get the cost. Thirteen times 29 cents…”

Me: “It’ll be $3.77 before tax, ma’am.”

(The customer ignores me and continues to write out the multiplication.)

Customer: “Okay, it’s $3.77! By the way, you don’t sell photo postcards here, do you? Or any of the stores in this square?”

Me: “I’m afraid we don’t; if anyone here does, it would probably be [Other Store], so I’d check there first.”

Customer: “Thank you. I’ll do that!”

(The customer immediately turns from the counter and starts toward the exit.)

Me: “Ma’am, you need to— Ma’am, you need to pay for those!”

Customer: “I did!”

Me: “No… you didn’t.”

Customer: “I paid it right over there, you can check my balance and see!”

(Fearful that she might have tried jamming her card into a slot on the kiosk, I rush around… only to find her pointing at the ATM next to it.)

Customer: “I slid it right here, and it says here you can check my balance to see.”

Me: “This is the store’s ATM, not part of the photo machine.”

Customer: “Well, can I check my balance?”

Me: “Uh… Yes?”

(With another customer waiting, I leave to ring them up while keeping the first customer in earshot while she uses the ATM.)

Customer: “It wants a PIN? It’s never asked for that before!”

(I finish checking the second customer out, right as the first customer walks back up to the counter.)

Customer: “Since when does it want a PIN for anything? Anyway, I guess I’ll trust that I still need to pay for these. But I’m using cash this time, not a card!”

Me: “All right, after tax, that’ll be four dollars even!”

(The customer pulls out a small wad of bills with a twenty and three ones visible. She returns to her purse, and I assume she’s getting a fourth dollar bill.)

Customer: “Feels like it’s been forever since I paid with cash!”

(She does pull out another wad of cash with another dollar bill, only to drop it and continue digging for two more handfuls. By the time she stops, I can see a five, a ten, a twenty, and far more ones than needed to pay for the pictures.)

Me: “Ma’am, you… have enough to pay for this…”

(Paying no attention to me, she begins straightening out some of the ones, the five, and the twenty. After she’s stacked twelve of them up, she sighs and slides me the ten.)

Customer: “Oh, just take it out of the ten, then.”

Me: “Um… Okay… And six dollars is your change!”

Customer: “Whew, never a dull moment, is there?”

Me: “Nope!”

(I work for a national office supply store that includes selling software licences. I have previously helped the customer find a product that meets his needs. He calls the store less than an hour later.)

Customer: “I bought this program less than an hour ago and it’s says it’s an invalid code.”

Me: “Software can take up to 24 hours to be fully usable.”

Customer: “But it says the code is invalid. I want a refund.”

Me: “Yes, sir. Until the code is verified by the vendor, it will say that.”

Customer: “I don’t think so. I want a refund.”

Me: “We don’t usually refund codes, as we cannot verify if they have been used. However, let me ask my duty manager.”

(My boss makes an exception and allows me to offer a refund.)

Me: “Okay, sir, my boss has authorised me to make a refund.”

(Less than an hour after, the customer comes in and I offer to troubleshoot the issue.)

Customer: “Someone told me that the code may have been hacked, and that’s why it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Who told you that?”

Customer: “Someone outside.”

Me: “It seems unlikely, as these codes aren’t valid until they are paid for.”

(I enter the code, and it immediately asks me to make an account to apply the code and download the program.)

Me: “It must have since been validated.”

Customer: “I don’t see how.”

Me: “Can you please log into your account or create a new one?”

(In the process of creating a new account and verifying his password to activate the software, he forgets his password.)

Customer: “I put in the right password.”

Me: “Okay, let me reset your password, and I will make you a simple password.”

(I activate the code and show the customer the software is available on his account. He leaves to download it at home. Thirty minutes later, I get a call.)

Customer: “The software isn’t there anymore.”

Me: “Okay, let me take you through the steps from beginning to end. Please type in this address and sign in. Please describe what you see.”

(The customer describes what he sees.)

Me: “Do you see an install button?”

Customer: “Yes, do I need to click that?”

Me: “Yes.”