Customer: “Hello. Your board says that your curry is vegan; is that right?”

Me: “Yes, that’s right: our vegetable curry is vegan.”

Customer: “But it also says that you can buy it with chicken, right?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “But then it’s not vegan anymore!”

Me: *confused* “Yes. If you order it with chicken, the curry’s not vegan anymore. If you order it without it, it is.”

Customer: “You’re confusing the customers! How are the vegans supposed to know that it’s not vegan anymore after you put chicken inside the curry?!”

Me: *whispers to myself* “Well, I don’t know. Common sense, maybe?”

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(My boyfriend and I are having a ride on a steam train. There is a group of other passengers at the other end of the carriage, talking quite loudly so we can hear what they are saying, but otherwise not being disruptive. One young lady from the group, in her early twenties, goes to use the toilet and a few minutes later comes back to her seat.)

Young Lady: “Oh, my God. I, like, just realised something! I always thought ‘vacant’ meant ‘engaged,’ but when I went into the toilet, I noticed it said, ‘vacant,’ and I could, like, walk in!”

(My boyfriend and I just raised eyebrows at each other as we tried not to laugh!)

(We sell, and provide service for, wristwatches. A man who appears to be in his mid-thirties comes in to our shop with a wristwatch which he has not bought here, but is in all respects a perfectly normal, conventional wristwatch — that is to say the crown is pulled out one click to adjust the date, and one click more to adjust the time.)

Customer: “There’s something wrong with this watch!”

Me: “Okay, let’s take a look at it. What’s the problem?”

Customer: “The date changes in the middle of the day instead of overnight.”

Me: “Right. Sounds like if we advance it twelve hours, we should have sorted it out.”

Customer: “I don’t know how to do that; it’s too complicated. You’re the expert; I don’t understand these things.”

Me: “It’s quite simple. If you pull the crown out all the way, like this—” *showing him* “—then we just wind it on twelve hours.”

Customer: “I don’t understand. This is too technical.”

Me: “Well, the hour hand passes the twelve twice a day — at midday and midnight — but the date only changes once a day. If it changes at midday, it means that it has just got twelve hours out of sync. There’s nothing actually wrong with the watch.”

Customer: “This is all too complicated. You’re the watchmaker; you understand these things.”

Me: “It’s okay. I’ve set it right now. It shouldn’t give you any more trouble.”

Customer: “Have you set the right time? Because it has been running an hour slow these last few weeks.”

(I hadn’t actually looked at the watch too closely, but it suddenly dawned on me that he probably hadn’t advanced it an hour after the clocks went forward a couple of months ago. I didn’t mention this to him, however, as it would probably also have been too complicated.)

(I work in a hotel. A young woman who looks no more than twenty walks up.)

Guest: “Checkout, please.”

(We go through the checkout process. I print out her receipt and she frowns.)

Guest: “Um… This is wrong. I have a special rate of [amount], because I’m with [Grocery Store].”

Me: “Okay.”

(I bring out her registration form that she signed when she checked in.)

Me: “Is this your signature?”

Guest: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, your signature says that you’ve agreed to pay [more expensive rate].”

Guest: *doe eyes* “But I’m with the group!”

Me: “But you’ve agreed to pay this.”

Guest: “Um… I forgot. I was in a hurry.”

Me: *sighs*

(I guess her parents didn’t teach her to read things before she signed them!)

Me: “Hello, may I take your order, please?”

Customer: “I want the veggie.”

Me: “Would you like it as a wrap, a sandwich, or a salad?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”