(I came across this gem in a spam email I received impersonating another organization:)

Spam Footer: “Remember: We ask for private information such as an account number, card PIN, Social Security, or Tax ID number in email messages.”

(I work as a shift manager, scheduling freelance employees and helping them with payroll. An employee calls me with a question about his last paycheck. We pay biweekly.)

Employee: “Hi, I’m just wondering if my hours for that shift last week were paid on the last paycheck. I still haven’t gotten paid for those.”

Me: “Let me check! I see here that I processed them before payday, so they definitely were sent to accounting… Did you recently set up direct deposit?”

Employee: “Yup, and I haven’t seen a deposit, either.”

Me: *checking out his payroll account* “Okay, well, your banking stuff looks good. It does take two pay periods for the direct deposit to kick in, so most likely you were mailed a physical check. Is your address still [address]?”

Employee: “Yeah.”

Me: “That’s good. It looks like we mailed a check out on [payday]. Have you still not received that?”

Employee: “I don’t know. I haven’t been home in two weeks, so I haven’t checked my mail.”

Me: *pause* “You should probably do that, then, and if it’s not there, then call me back.”

(He was very flustered and hung up pretty quickly.)

(Our government can take money from a customer’s welfare money to pay for child maintenance. It’s usually a nominal charge of a few pounds.)

Caller: *angry and shouting throughout call* “Why am I being charged for children’s furniture?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “You are taking money out of my benefit to pay for furniture. I haven’t had furniture from you and I don’t want to give anything to charity.”

Me: “I am sorry; I don’t know what you’re talking about. We don’t take money for any furniture. Are you sure the charge has come from us? Where have you seen this charge?”

Caller: “It’s on my award letter. You are taking money for a child furniture scheme!”

Me: “No, that’s, ‘child future scheme.’”

Caller: “Oh.” *hangs up*

(I’m a pharmacist. I’m counselling a client on how to apply the rosacea cream his doctor has prescribed for him.)

Me: “…and remember, even if you use this regularly, the most important way to prevent rosacea flares is to stay out of the sun.”

Patient: “I’m in the sun all the time!”

Me: “May I suggest sunscreen?”

Patient: “Oh, no, I don’t wear sunscreen. I don’t want to put chemicals on my face.”

(I looked at the box of expensive prescription face chemicals and died a little inside.)

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Like many people, I do not look back on my high school years fondly, and have wanted nothing to do with that place since graduating. One day, I get a letter from them in the mail. I figure it’s a donation request, and I have no intention of ever donating to them, but I decide to read it anyway.

Sure enough, the letter is a proclamation that donations are needed now more than ever. This isn’t surprising, since I have heard that the school has been all but bankrupt for the past few years and is in danger of closing. What is surprising, though, is something that I realize after I’m done reading. The letter — which cites rising costs of educational materials as a major reason for their needing donations — is two pages long, and printed single-sided on two sheets of paper.

I chuckle at the irony, and then throw the letter in the trash.