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Stop The Presses

, , , | Right | June 16, 2009

(I am working on the theater’s ticket-selling system. It prints every ticket using a thermal printer, on paper that gets black in spots where it is heated. A customer comes in with a completely black ticket.)

Customer: “I want this ticket replaced! What kind of tickets do you sell?! I can’t see anything on it!”

Me: “I’m sure we didn’t give you this ticket in this poor state. What happened to it?”

Customer: “It got all bent in my purse and looked ugly, so I ironed it.”

Me: “But ma’am, this ticket is printed on a thermal paper. It gets black when heated, so–”

Customer: “You should’ve warned me that I can’t iron the ticket!”

Open Sesame (Bun)

, , , | Right | June 16, 2009

(I’m collecting carts from the parking lot. A woman abandons her cart near her car, so I go to pick it up. Note that she’s also munching on some bread.)

Customer: “Oh! I think I locked my keys in the car.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Please feel free to come inside and use the phone to call a locksmith or someone that can bring you another key.”

Customer: “Look! The window is open just a little.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t help you get into the vehicle unless you are able to prove that it’s yours. I’d recommend calling a locksmith because that opening seems too small.”

Customer: *ignores me* “Maybe if I can just get something in?”

(The woman rips a piece of bread off the loaf she is eating and stuffs it in through the car window.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t know how that is going to help.”

Customer: “I thought… maybe if I could just get something in there?”

Fighting Fake With Fake

, , , , | Right | June 16, 2009

(A customer walks into the gas station and picks up a plastic 21 oz. bottle of water.)

Me: “Will that be all for you today?”

(The customer then holds it like he wants to hit me with it.)

Customer: “Give me all your money! This is a stickup!”

Me: “You’re trying to hold me up with a bottle of water?!”

Customer: “GIVE IT!”

(I pretend to press the silent alarm.)

Customer: “S***! The cops!” *runs off, dropping the bottle of water on his way out*

Do Not Mix: Empty Threats & Loaded Barrels

, , , | Right | June 15, 2009

Customer: “Hello, I’m looking to get a handgun like this one.”

(The customer holds up a picture from the movie ‘Wanted’.)

Me: “All righty, we’ll have to order that one for you, but we can have it to you in a few weeks.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I NEED THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK! CAN’T YOU GET ME THE GUN BY NEXT WEEK?!”

Me: “You’ll have to deal with the waiting period, anyway. What exactly do you need it for so quickly?”

Customer: *suddenly calm again* “My friend and I are going to curve a bullet around his head for a YouTube video.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t sell you a gun, then. All you’ll do is kill your buddy and go to jail.”

Customer: “YOU’RE GOING TO GET ME THE GUN, OR I’M GOING TO TALK TO THE MANAGER!”

(The manager, who was in the room behind the counter, walks out with a shotgun on his shoulder.)

Manager: “You’re in my store, where I have literally hundreds of guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition. Are you really that stupid?”

(The customer looks around at the guns like he hadn’t noticed them before, and runs out of the store as my co-worker walks up.)

Coworker: “I love working here.”

Just Check The Stalk’s Expiration Date

, , | Right | June 12, 2009

(This happened during corn season last year.)

Customer: “Excuse me, how fresh is this corn?”

Me: “It was just picked this morning, so it’s about as fresh as it gets.”

Customer: “Yes, but God knows how long it’s been growing!”


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