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Directionally Challenged

, , , , | Right | July 6, 2008

Me: “Hello! How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need a [Sandwich], two large fries, and a shake.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t sell those here. [Competitor] is next door.”

Customer: “OH!”

(He walks into my dining room and promptly returns to the counter. He appears slightly confused.)

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah! I thought you said [Competitor] is next door.”

Me: “Yes, sir, it is.”

(I proceed to walk with him back to the dining room and point next door.)

Me: “If you come back this way and go through our side exit, you can walk right over to [Competitor].”

Customer: “OH!”

(I follow him back to the area near the side door and point him in that direction. He appears to be on his way to a [Sandwich], two fries and, a shake when I hear our restroom door open and close. Sure enough, moments later he appears at my counter again.)

Customer: “Why did you send me to the bathroom?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Please follow me.”

(I escort the gentleman out the side door and tell him [Competitor] is next door.)

Customer: “OH! Thank you!”

(He started walking toward the front of both my building and [Competitor]. I felt confident he was going to get there. I was wrong. He walked around my building and through the parking lot, and was last seen heading toward an empty lot and the railroad tracks.)


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Fortunately, It’s Raining Pork Barrels And Earmarks

, , , , | Right | July 3, 2008

(Background: I work at a small round lake about a mile in diameter. From any point on the shore, you can see the edge of the lake all around. The lake is used for fishing and as such is full of sand and seaweed and fish.)

Patron: “Hi, can you tell me what ocean this is?”

Me: “Sir, this is a freshwater man-made lake, not an ocean.”

Patron: “I mean, what ocean is it connected to?”

Me: “It’s not connected to an ocean. It’s a man-made lake.”

(The patron pauses and obviously decides to come at this from another angle.)

Patron: “What river feeds this lake?”

Me: “This lake used to be a gravel pit before they filled it in with water. It’s not connected to the river system. It’s man-made.”

Patron: “Well, where does all the water come from?”

Me: “The lake is filled with rainwater, mostly.”

Patron: “That’s awful! I don’t want to let my kids swim in rainwater… It’s dirty. You should keep the rain out of the lake!”

Me: *sarcastically* “I totally agree. Maybe we can spend tax dollars on a tarp to cover the lake when it rains.”

Patron: “That’s an excellent idea! I hope you mention that to your supervisors!”


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Life’s Great Mysteries, Volume 1

, , | Right | July 1, 2008

(I’m working in the meat department as a middle-aged woman in a business suit approaches me.)

Customer: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, how can I help you?”

Customer: *dead serious* “What’s the difference between beef and pork?”

Me: “Um… one comes from a pig, and one comes from a cow. ”

Customer: “Oh, okay! I’ve always wondered that!”

(She walks off happily and I never worked with the public again.)

The Sun Is Such A Slacker Sometimes

, , , , , | Right | July 1, 2008

(We shot a wedding after dark and in the rain last year. When the happy couple met with me to pick up their photos the conversation went like this…)

Bride: “I am so disappointed that there are no beautiful sunset pictures, like on your website.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, but if you remember correctly the weather was terrible, and you got married in the dark.”

Bride: “Yeah, but we paid you a lot of money!”

Me: “I would charge a lot more money if I could turn back time and change the weather.”

Bride: “All of the other weddings we saw on your website have beautiful sunsets!”

Me: “We took those photos at sunset, before it got dark, and it wasn’t raining.”

Bride: “I’m sick of your slick excuses. You have an answer for everything!”

(This conversation went on, round and round like this, for an hour. The mom called and we had the exact same conversation!)


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Trust Me, He’ll Want To Wake Up For This

, , , | Right | June 30, 2008

(The fire alarm is going off at our extended-stay hotel. I get a call at the front desk.)

Hotel Guest: “What is that sound?”

Me: “That’s the fire alarm, ma’am. Please evacuate the building.”

Hotel Guest: “Well, can you please turn it off? My son is sleeping.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. Only the fire department can, once they inspect the building. Please take your son and evacuate the building immediately.”

Hotel Guest: “I can’t do that! He’s sleeping!”

Me: *bangs head on the counter*


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