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More Than He Bargained For

, , , , , , | Right | April 27, 2009

(My father is manning tables at the local flea market. A man comes up to the table and picks out an item that’s priced at $8.)

Customer: “Will you take $6 for this?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(The man finds another item, this one priced at $5.)

Customer: “Will you take $4?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(After a while, the man finds another item, this time priced at $6.)

Customer: “$5?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(Finally, the man gathers all of his items together and winds up for the ultimate bargaining ploy.)

Customer: “How about $20 for all three?”

Dad: “Sure.”

(Dad was always an agreeable sort.)

Living On The Edge Of Anaphylactic Shock

, , , | Right | April 24, 2009

(A woman was looking intently at our display case of cookies.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “What kind of cookies do you have?”

Me: “Well, right now we have lemon-drop and peanut butter chocolate chip.”

Customer: “Oh, I’ll take one of each.”

(I ring her out and she goes on her way. Twenty minutes later I get a phone call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was just in there and I bought a lemon cookie and a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie and… MY GOD, I AM ALLERGIC TO NUTS, and I SWEAR I just ate a nut. Are there any nuts in these cookies?”

Me: “Well… the peanut butter chocolate chip ones have peanuts in them.”

Customer: “OH, MY GOD!” *hangs up*

(Only two weeks later I am working again and the same woman walks into my store.)

Customer: *looks at the cookies again* “I’ll take one of those…peanut butter chocolate chip cookies.”

Me: “You realize that those have nuts in them, right?”

Customer: “WHAT?! Well… what about the orange walnut cookies?”

Me: “Those have walnuts in them.”

Customer: “How about the coconut pecan?”

Me: “Yeah, those have pecans in them.”

Customer: “Well, fine. I’ll just have to have one of those white chocolate macadamia cookies then.”

Me: “Look: really, the only cookies that we have right now that DON’T have nuts are the sugar cookies.”

Customer: “Well, those are just too boring. Never mind, then!”

A Few Carrots Short Of A Bunch

, , , , , | Right | April 23, 2009

(I work for a business software company. We take data from a database, and turn it into reports.)

Client: *on the phone* “My reports look wrong.”

Me: “All right, let’s take a look.”

(I see the problem, and we’re able to trace the problem back to the database — something outside of my company’s control.)

Me: “It looks like you have some bad data in your database; once the data in there is right, you should have no problems with your reports.”

Client: “That’s ridiculous. I don’t care what the database has; it’s my report that’s wrong.”

Me: “Actually, we see the exact same problem in your database as we do in the report.”

Client: “It’s still your fault.”

(This goes on for twenty minutes. I finally decide to make it simpler.)

Me: “If you make a hamburger with rotten meat, do you blame the bun company when you get sick?”

Client: “I’m a vegetarian, I wouldn’t know.”

Me: “Okay, fine, if your veggie patty was rotten, would you blame the bun company?”

Client: “Veggie patties never go rotten!”

Me: “I don’t think you understand my analogy.”

Client: “I don’t think YOU understand vegetarians!”

Me: “Ma’am, I work tech support. It’s not my job to understand vegetarians.”

Client: “WELL, IT’S NOT MY JOB EITHER, BUT I DO!”

Me: “That’s because you are one.”

Client: “NO, I’M NOT!”

Me: “You told me you were a vegetarian, thirty seconds ago.”

Client: “I LIED!”

Me: “…why?”

Client: “BECAUSE YOU’RE WRONG!”

Me: “No, I’m not.”

Client: “WROOONG! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! WROOONG!”

(They kept on saying ‘wrong’ for a good 45 seconds, despite me trying to interject, so I hung up. No one in the company has heard from them since.)


This story is part of our Vegetarian roundup!

Read the next Vegetarian roundup themed story.

Read the Vegetarian roundup!

They Stop Terrorists, Thwart Criminals, and Return Blenders

, , , | Right | April 23, 2009

Customer: *on the phone* “My order number is [number].”

Me: “Okay, I’ve got your order up on my screen. How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “You shipped me this product, and I did not order it.”

Me: “Are you [Customer] of [Street]?”

Customer: “Yes. I was on your website and I selected this product and hit the ‘Submit Order’ button, but I didn’t order it.”

Me: “When you hit ‘Submit Order’ and get an order number, and an email confirming your order, that means you have submitted an order.”

Customer: “But I haven’t paid for this product, so I didn’t order it.”

Me: “That’s because you selected the ‘Bill Me Later’ option.”

Customer: “Fine. Then guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to keep this product, and I’m never going to pay you for it. Sucker.”

Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but if you don’t either return the product we sent you or pay by the due date, your account will be sent to a collection agency for recovery.”

Customer: “I am calling the FBI to report you.”

Me: “For what, sir?”

Customer: “I’m going to tell them that you sent me a product that I didn’t pay for, and they’re going to shut you crooks down.”

Me: “So you’re going to call the FBI, and tell them that you ordered a product from us, and now you’re refusing to pay for it OR send it back.”

Customer: “Don’t you twist my words. I’m calling the FBI on YOU, not ME.”

Me: “That’s your choice, sir, but wouldn’t it be easier to just send the product back if you don’t want it?”

Customer: “I do want it. I’m just not paying for it. You’ve wasted enough of my time. I’m hanging up now and calling the FBI.” *hangs up*

(I checked his account later and saw that the guy paid his bill in full before it was even due. I guess things didn’t pan out with the FBI.)

Some Questions Should Never Be Asked, Part 3

, , , | Right | April 23, 2009

(I work for forensics and often a lot of phone calls about DNA results and what they mean.)

Me: “Good morning, DNA Management Section, [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: “Hi, I got this DNA notification thing. I don’t know what it means.”

Me: “Those are the results for the buccal swab you had done. It’s just for your records to show that you had a buccal swab taken and your DNA was analysed from it.”

Customer: “What do all these letters and numbers mean?”

Me: “That is the sequence for your DNA. The scientists at forensics will use those numbers to match your DNA profile to other samples on the DNA database.”

Customer: “But what do they mean?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I am not qualified to explain this to you. I can however forward your call to Forensics SA, and they will be able to answer your query. All I can say is that the first part is your sex. XX means female and XY means male.”

Customer: “It says XY… so that means I’m male, right?”