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Another Darwin Awards Candidate

, , , , , | Right | April 22, 2009

(I’m working the night shift when suddenly a guy dressed in black with a mask over his head comes in. He pulls out a gun and comes heading my way. Without even thinking, I incapacitate him with a basic self-defense skill.)

Customer: “HOLY S***! What the h*** are you doing?”

Me: “Sir, you were about to hold me up!”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You came into the store with a mask over your head and gun in your hand.”

(At this point, I notice that the gun is a controller for a game. I let him go.)

Me: “I’m very sorry about what just happened, sir. So, you wanted that fixed, right?”

Customer: “It’s… no big deal. Can you fix it anyway?”

Me: “Not a problem, sir.”

(After checking the wiring and whatnot inside the gun, I find some faulty chipwork and fix it.)

Me: “Here you go, sir.”

Customer: “Thanks.” *pays up*

Me: “Just one thing, though.”

Customer: “Ah, yeah?”

Me: “What’s with the mask?”

Customer: “Sometimes, I like to pretend!” *giggles and walks out*

(I never worked the night shift again.)

It’s Probably Not Flushable Anymore

, , , | Right | April 21, 2009

Me: “Hello, how can I help?”

Customer: “Hi, I need to know something very important, very quickly.”

Me: “I’d be happy to help. What’s the problem?”

Customer: “Is your toilet paper… is it flushable? Like, can I flush it down the toilet?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure if it’s toilet paper it’s flushable, yes.”

Customer: “Well [Brand] says it’s flushable but your brand doesn’t say that anywhere on it.”

Me: “I think it’s assumed that toilet roll is flushable. What’s the alternative?”

Customer: “Well, okay. Since I wasn’t sure, I’ve just been letting it sit in the bowl…”

Willy Wonka Goes Bonkas

, , , , | Right | April 20, 2009

(Our shop has a chocolate fountain, which we fill up daily, to attract customers who can buy marshmallows to dip into it.)

Customer: “So, where does the chocolate come from?”

Me: “…sorry?”

Customer: “The chocolate for the fountain thing. Where does it come from?”

Me: “Well, we melt some chocolate, then fill–”

Customer: “No, where does it COME from? Like, the water pipes or something?”

Me: “No, we melt our own–”

Customer: “Don’t lie to me! I know you got a chocolate pipe plugged into that thing! How do you get one?! Where is your manager?”

(After failing to convince them, the customer left angrily. It’s now a running joke in our shop to call the “National Chocolate System” whenever there is a problem.)

Back To Basics Is Best

, , , , | Right | April 17, 2009

Customer: “I need something to make a nail go into a piece of wood… You know, to make it stay where I’m putting it.”

Me: “…a hammer, sir?”

Customer: “Oh, is that what you would recommend?”

Me: “Uh… yeah.”

Customer: “Great, show me where they are!”

First Ocean To The Right, Then Straight On ‘Til Drowning

, , , , , | Right | April 16, 2009

Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Man: “What’s the quickest way to get to Hawaii?”

Me: “…probably via Vancouver International Airport.”

Man: “What?”

Me: “Look, I’m sorry, I’m not actually a travel agent. I can put you in touch with someone who can book you a flight–”

Man: “I don’t wanna fly there! I could’ve done that from Seattle! I’m going to drive.”

Me: “Over more than twenty-five hundred miles of ocean?”

Man: “You can’t fool me. I know it’s not that far. Besides, it’s much cheaper to fly there through the Canadian part of America.”

Me: “No, Canada’s not–”

Man: “I’m gonna report you for being unhelpful, missy. Now give me god**** directions to Hawaii if you don’t want your a** fired.”

Me: “Turn left on to any pier you come across, and then drive straight on, You’ll get there eventually, and don’t worry about the water. You can probably sue for damages.”

(Amazingly, he left, perfectly happy with my directions to essentially drown himself.)