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It (Almost) Never Hurts To Check

, , , | Right | June 1, 2008

Customer: “Let me see that knife in the case.”

Me: “Here ya go.”

Customer: “I don’t think this knife is sharp enough.”

Me: “Really? ”

(The customer pulls the blade across his palm, slicing his hand open and spilling blood all over the floor.)

Customer: “I guess it is.”

Me: “Would you like some paper towels?”

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Yes But No But Yes

, , , , , , | Right | May 29, 2008

(A customer calls back to complain about an order of pizza that I, the manager, had made and she had just received.)

Me: “Hi, ma’am, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “I am legally blind and my mother is looking at my pizza and saying the pepperoni, sausage, and green pepper pizza is missing the sausage.”

Me: “So, your pizza is missing the sausage?”

Customer: “Mom, it’s missing sausage, right?”

Mother: “Well… no. It has plenty of sausage on it… but there is a slice with just pepperoni!”

Customer: “My mom says it has plenty of sausage on it, but there is a slice with just pepperoni.”

Me: “So, a slice has nothing but pepperoni on it?”

Customer: “Mom, a slice only has pepperoni, right?”

Mother: “Well… no, it is evenly spread out… but there are mushrooms on this pizza!”

Customer: “My mom says it is evenly spread out, but there are mushrooms on this pizza.”

Me: “So, there are mushrooms on the pizza?”

Customer: “Mom, there are mushrooms on that pizza, right?

Mother: “Well, no…”

Customer: *to me* “I’m sorry to have taken up your time…”

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Spending Your Way Out Of Debt

, , , , | Right | May 28, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi there. I got these promotional cheques at 3.9% for my Visa card. I was wondering if I can pay my Visa bill with them.”

Me: “No, miss, the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. Therefore, you can’t pay the Visa with the same Visa account.”

Customer: “Why? I don’t see why not…”

Me: “Because the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. It doesn’t make it a lesser balance, it makes it a higher balance. Therefore, you can’t pay your Visa with the same Visa.”

Customer: “I think this is stupid. I should be able to do whatever I want with my cheques.”

Me: “Do you write yourself cheques with your bank account to yourself, and not have to pay for it?”

Customer: “Well, no… that’s just silly.”

Me: “Do you see how it works, then?”

Customer: “Yeah, I guess. But I should still be able to do it!”

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Oh Customer, Wherefore Art Thou

, , , | Right | May 27, 2008

(I was working as an usher on the door, directing people to their seats.)

Customer’s Daughter: “We’re lost, Mummy.”

Customer: “I know. How do we get out of here?”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, we’re lost.”

Me: “Lost?”

Customer: “Yes, we can’t find our seats.”

Me: “You’re in C12 & 13. That’s the back row, the two seats in the middle.”

Customer: “Oooooh, okay…”

(I watched as she looked for their seats. She stared right at them… then looked over the edge, up to the balcony, and even at the chandelier! They finally settled down in the nook seats at the side that have zero visibility. I worry about our audiences sometimes.)


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It’s Gonna Be A Long Call

, , , , | Right | May 27, 2008

(A customer had some serious problems with his computer, and since we are an Internet company, we refer to the computer manufacturer number.)

Me: “Okay, sir, can you tell me the brand of your computer?”

Caller: “Compaq…” (or so I thought I heard…)

Me: “Okay, sir, give me a sec–”

Caller: *apparently still reading* “…compact disc.”

Me: “…”

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