(I hand out samples at a grocery store. There is an undercover security officer who always comes by and hits on me, despite the numerous times I’ve told him I am not interested. Today, the store is super busy but nobody seems to want any of my samples. Then, I see him coming.)

Security: “Hey, you. How’s it going?”

Me: *annoyed* “Fine.”

Security: “Oh, don’t be sad. I’m here. You need a hug?” *opens his arms*

Me: “No.”

Security: “How about a smile? Science says you’ll feel better if you smile.”

Me: “No.”

Security: *picking up a sample cup* “That’s okay. You’re still pretty even when you’re mad.”

Me: *silent*

Security: “I haven’t eaten since breakfast. I’m starving! Are these candies or antacids or something? Berry flavored, right?”

Me: *glances at the bottle on the table* “They’re actually—“

Security: “So, lots of customers today?” *takes another sample cup*

Me: “No.”

Security: “Who could walk by you and not want to say hi?”

Me: *shrugs*

Security: “I’d spend all day here if I could.” *takes two more samples*

Me: *silent*

Security: “But I was also thinking about dinner and a movie tonight.” *takes another sample* “What do you think?”

Me: “I think you just ate five fiber tablets on an empty stomach.” *points to the bottle on the table*

(He looked panicked for a minute, then walked away without another word. I heard from one of the store employees that he spent quite a while in the bathroom that day.)

(I approach a middle-aged woman to see if she needs help.)

Me: “Are you finding everything okay?”

Customer: “No! You’re out of the fragrance I want and I have a coupon to use for it.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but I can place an online order and have it shipped to your house; that way you can still use the coupon.”

Customer: “I don’t believe in the Internet. I need this today! I live out of town!”

Me: *confused because the coupon is an email-only coupon* “Can I please see your coupon? It should be in your email.”

Customer: “Here!” *hands me smartphone with coupon pulled up in email*

Me: “Are you sure you didn’t want to order your product?”

Customer: “I don’t believe in the Internet! But yes, if you can order that for me, that should be fine.”

Me: “…”

(We have some really nice ornaments from Christmas returned, and we have them marked down significantly for resale. They are packaged nine to a box, in three rows of three. The top of the box is see-through.)

Customer: “Excuse me. Can you give me a discount on these?”

Me: “They are 90% off, which is a great price. I’m afraid I can’t go any lower.”

Customer: “But you should if one is missing.”

Me: “None are missing.”

Customer: “How do you know?”

Me: “There are no spaces empty.”

Customer: “But one might still be missing.”

Me: “Well, I can see nine in that box, and it’s a nine-pack.”

Customer: “How do you know there are nine?”

Me: “I counted.”

Customer: “How do you know there are supposed to be nine, though?”

Me: “The packaging says here that there are nine of them.”

Customer: “You just have an answer for everything, don’t you?”

Me: “Just saying the facts. sir, explaining how things are.”

Customer: “I bet you practice your answers for a customer like me, don’t you? Your ‘facts.’ You know what? I don’t want those, anyway!”

(He leaves. I am putting the ornaments back when another customer sees them and takes them, excited by the cheap price. A few minutes later, the first customer returns.)

Customer: “Where are those ornaments? I wanted them!”

Me: “Another customer purchased them.”

Customer: “Is that one of your facts? Well, I will pay you two dollars for them.”

Me: “They were marked down to four dollars, which was already paid by another customer. Now, if you’ll excuse me…”

Customer: “This is why department stores are going out of business, and that’s a fact.”

(I’m cashiering one slow evening. A regular customer comes through my line. I go through my usual spiel and start to scan his groceries.)

Customer: “D***, I forgot my credit card at home. Do you guys take checks?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Customer: “Great. The checkbook is in the car; I’ll be right back.”

(His order is large enough that I’m just finishing up when he returns.)

Me: “All right, the total is [total].”

Customer: “Okay.”

(The guy opens his checkbook to the next blank check, rips it out, and hands it to me without filling anything out. I stare at him, then I stare at the check, and then back at him, not sure what to say.)

Customer: “Oh, do I have to fill that out?”

(I have never seen a customer so trusting with their money that they would hand a complete stranger a blank check.)

(Two women ordered cocktails from me, which I garnished with lemons. I come back later on with the check and one of them, eyes wide, is holding a lemon seed.)

Woman: “I almost swallowed this.”

(I look at her blankly.)

Me: “Lemons have seeds.”

Woman: “It was in my drink!”

Me: “I… I don’t know what to tell you.”

(She and her friend exchange shocked looks. I walk away — out of sight — and tell some coworkers about it, and they agree that the woman is being ridiculous. To try to placate her, I come back and make up an apology.)

Me: “I’m sorry about that. I spoke to the bartenders about it, and I’m sure they’ll be more careful next time.”

Woman: “I was gagging on it!”

Me: “Do you want me to get a manager?”

Woman: “Yeah.”

(My manager talks to them. I ask him afterward what they said to him.)

Manager: “They asked me for a discount on their bill, and I told them, ‘No, absolutely not. I don’t know if you’re aware, but lemons are a fruit, and they have seeds in them.’”

(Glad my manager was on my side!)