When I am young and naive and don’t know about magazine subscriptions, I stop by my favorite bookstore to pick up a fantasy magazine that is issued six times a year.  

On one particular day, I stop in and search for the magazine. No dice. I check to make sure that copies haven’t moved themselves to another part of the shelving unit — which is how I found it last time, stuck in the Women’s Magazine section.

There are no copies left and I check with a salesperson to see if there are any on order or if they have sold out.

Salesperson:
“Oh, that magazine. Yeah. Everyone is always asking for it. We get a dozen copies in and only a dozen because no one ever buys it.”

Me:
“I buy it. And whenever I come in to purchase it, there’s usually only two or three copies left.”

Salesperson:
“Yeah. We only get a few copies in because no one buys it.”

Me:
“But if you buy twelve copies and they sell out, and more people come in asking for it, then someone must be buying it.”

Salesperson:
“No. No one buys it so we only get in a few copies.”  

We went around on this two or three times. She simply could not see that if the magazine was selling out and people were requesting it after it sold out, people clearly wanted to buy it.

After this, a friend told me, “Doofus, just get a subscription.”

So I did.

Me:
“Have you got a quote for the carpet to be replaced yet?”

Coworker:
“No! I have been calling carpenters all week, but none of them have gotten back to me.”

Me:
“You mean carpet layers, right?”

Coworker:
“What’s the difference?”

I facepalmed. Sure enough, she had been emailing carpenters all week trying to get a quote to install carpet.

I work the evening shift at a hotel in the housekeeping department. I generally run around with towels, shampoo, etc., for guests. This evening, I get a call from the reception saying that some guests can’t get the bathroom lights turned on. I knock on the guest’s door.

Guest:
“Finally! It’s broken! I’ve tried everything, and I can’t get the lights to work!”

Me:
“Okay, may I come in and have a look?”

Guest:
“Come on, come on.”

We use a card in a main switch by the door which turns everything on. The card is in the switch and other lights are on in the room. 

Me:
“You’ve tried the light switch, yeah? Is it broken?”

Guest:
“What light switch? I already put the card in the door; what else could it be?!”

Me:
“Umm, there’s a light switch just there.”

I point towards the light switch.

Guest: “Where?!”
I lean forward with my arm raised out straight. The guest is standing not two centimetres from the switch and I lean forward and turn it on. The light in the bathroom comes on. 

Me:
“This switch.”

Guest:
*Clearly embarrassed* “Well, they should mark them better! You can leave now!”

It was the only switch on the wall in the entire room.

I work for an energy company whilst searching for work to do with my degree, which is in mathematics and statistics. It’s ten minutes before closing time and by this point, I just want to get pyjamas on and sleep. A woman calls.

Caller:
“I need my electricity back on.”

Me:
“Okay, I’ll have a look into that for you.”

The moment her details load up, I see what is wrong. She has not paid a bill in five months and is £700+ in debt. I check notes and she has had letters/emails/texts — the whole shebang — to tell her she will be cut off if she does not make a payment.

Me:
“Okay, I can see what is going on. It is showing here that you have not made a payment in five months and you are over £700 in debt. You have been sent confirmation of this—”

Caller:
“What do you mean, I am in debt? I have been away visiting friends and when I am away visiting we do not need to pay as we are not using anything.”

This isn’t untrue, but it’s not wholly true, either. We are allowed to refund a certain amount only if there are less than ten units of usage. This woman is showing over two-hundred, so she is getting nothing.

Me:
“Well, I’m afraid to tell you that someone has been using your fuel in the time and every bill is accurate. Due to the high usage, I cannot refund you.”

Caller:
“Excuse me? I have just told you I have been visiting friends and I have not been at home to use it. I want my money back.”

Me:
“Firstly, I cannot refund something that has not been paid in the first place. And someone has been using your fuel, so someone is on your property.”

Caller:
“Oh, yes, my husband and son are in the house, but as it’s in my name and I was not at home, why should I have to pay?”

Me:
“You have to pay because it is your house, and your house has had the usage. I cannot turn your electricity back on without a payment of some form.”

Caller:
“Well, I am not paying for something that I did not use and also I am not getting!”

Me:
“I apologise for this, but I am afraid I cannot do anything without a payment. I would be willing to set up a payment plan if you wish to clear the balance—”

Caller:
“Are you listening to me? I said I am not paying for something I did not use and I am not getting.”

Me:
“I’m afraid I cannot do anything for you, nor can anyone else. You cannot get five months of free electricity, even if you were not at the property in that time.”

Caller:
“Listen here, you incompetent nuisance. I know how bills work. I work for a very feared insurance company called [Company] and I also have a degree in mathematics, which I am sure you are too stupid to understand.”

I am furious and 100% done with her. I decide to kill her with kindness.

Me:
“Oh, really? Where did you study? I just graduated last month with that degree alongside statistics—”

Caller:
“Stop lying to me; only school dropouts work in call centres.”

Okay, no more Mrs. Nice Lady from me.

Me:
“Okay, if you honestly think you are better than me, answer one question for me.”

Caller:
“How dare you speak to me like that?! I will be filing a complaint against you for that. But since you are an idiot, I will answer.”

Me:
“What is the definition of a degree of a polynomial?”

Anyone who works in or has studied maths further will know this.

Caller:
“Excuse me? I do not speak gibberish.”

Me:
“I asked what the definition of a degree of a polynomial is.”

Caller:
“There is no such thing! I would have heard about that, and how dare you waste my time?! I will be filing a complaint and writing to corporate about you. Goodbye, you insolent b****!”

Then, she hung up. Since I’m a salty git, I Googled the name of the firm she supposedly works at. It’s a bakery.

My aunt can be a bit… stubborn when she has to answer the same question more than once. She is at a sandwich shop where you go down the line with an employee who puts on meat, cheese, veggies, etc.

Employee:
“And what vegetables would you like on your sandwich?”

Aunt:
“I want all the veggies.”

Employee:
“Do you want lettuce?”

Aunt:
“Is that a veggie?”

Employee:
“Yes.”

Aunt:
“Then yes. I want all the veggies.”

Employee:
“Do you want spinach?”

Aunt:
“Is that a veggie?”

Employee:
“Yes.”

Aunt:
“Then yes. I want all the veggies.”

Employee:
“Do you want cucumber?”

Aunt:
“Let me put it this way. Before you ask me if I want it, ask yourself if it’s a vegetable. If it is, put it on the sandwich.”

Employee: 
“Do you want green peppers?”

Aunt:
“Yes. Okay, let’s try something different. You see all these vegetables here in this area?” *Points*

Employee:
“Yes.”

Aunt:
“I want all of that. Every kind of vegetable on this table. Put it on the sandwich.”

Employee:
“Do you want red onion?”

My aunt just screamed internally.