(A customer calls in infuriated because he’s unable to operate his remote, not without reminding us that he has tried everything in the book. At this call center, the tech support process can’t be any easier, since one does not even have to think. It’s just literally going through a flow of steps. We get to the step that says, “Check if the batteries are fresh.”)

Me: “So, we’re going to check something real quick. Would you kindly tell me when was the last time we changed the batteries?”

Customer: “Huh? Come again?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I said would you kindly tell us when you changed your remote batteries for the last time.”

Customer: “It’s just like it was when you guys installed the service. Your technicians left it like this and nothing has changed.”

Me: “That’s great. I see, however, that our service tech installed your services almost a year ago.”

Customer: “Yeah, and I haven’t touched anything. It simply quit working!”

Me: “Oh, okay. No need to worry, though. Do me a favor. Let’s make sure to change the batteries.”

Customer: “IT’S JUST LIKE YOUR TECHNICIAN LEFT IT!”

Me: “Oh, okay.” *not sure what he means, but giving him my best customer service skills* “Thanks for reassuring us about that. All we have to do is change the batteries, please. Take your time.”

Customer: “NOBODY TOLD ME THIS REMOTE NEEDED BATTERIES!”

Me: *not sure if he is serious, but giving him the benefit of the doubt* “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, but that’s quite all right. Let me explain to you how it works, okay? Basically, our remotes are powered by AA batteries. And we need four of them for the remote to work for about four or five months.”

Customer: “NO ONE HAS TOLD ME I NEEDED BATTERIES. IT SHOULD WORK WITHOUT THEM!”

(I am completely unsure how to proceed. Customers like this can see any clarification as a form of disputatious attitude and escalate quickly, hang up, leave a nasty survey, or all of the above, so I try my best to connect with him.)

Me: “I get your frustration. You know, this happened to me, too, one time.” *tries making up a story about me being this naïve* “So, one time, I bought, uh… a… Playstation controller, and… uh… I was never told it needed to be recharged! So… I feel your frustration here!”

Customer: “Oh, wow. See? Why does that happen? Remotes should work without batteries! They should just be used forever!”

Me: *again, trying my best to connect* “Right?” *to de-escalate him further, I acknowledge his idea as if it made sense* “You know what would be awesome? Solar-powered remotes. I will definitely submit feedback.”

Customer: “Uh-huh. You do that! But I still don’t understand why my remote needs batteries.”

Me: “Will do, sir.” *trying to make him feel acknowledged* “It’s a mystery, I guess. But in the meantime, we’re going to have to recommend you changing the batteries of your remote every three or four months. Again, sorry nobody told you that the remote needed batteries, but now you know!”

Customer: “All right, young man. Thanks for your help! I guess you learn something new every day!”

Me: *still not believing what happened, but agreeing in the fact that we all learn something new, like some people don’t have basic cognitive skills* “You’re right, sir. We all learn something new. Have a great one!”

A customer comes to my line with a buggy full of groceries. Before starting the transaction, she asks me to check the price of one of our seasonal toys.

Customer:
“Can you check the price on this for me?”

Me:
“Sure.” *Scans item* “Looks like it’s two for $10. So… $5.”

Customer:
“Okay. That’s fine.”

As I continue her transaction, her husband walks up to her holding the same toy. 

Husband:
“It said it was two for $10 over there, so that makes it what?”

The husband pauses to do the math in his head for a surprisingly long time.

Husband:
“$7.50 apiece.”

I have to turn away because I can’t help but laugh and I don’t want the customer to think I am being rude.

Customer:
“Uh, no, honey. They’re $5.”

I work at an independent used bookstore on Sundays. A couple of teenage girls walk in and browse for about twenty minutes before asking me for help.

Customer #1:
“I’m looking for [Book].”

Me:
“Who’s it by?”

Customer #2:
“Umm, [Author].”

Me:
“Okay, and is it fiction or nonfiction?”

Customer #1:
“Uh, I dunno. It’s about vampires.”

I’m attending a summer camp for high school students hosted at a university. Since few students stay on campus over the summer, we’re given rooms in an empty dorm. The bathrooms are shared, and each one has toilet and shower stalls in it. One day, I’m taking a shower. No one else is in the bathroom until my friend comes in.

Friend:
“[My Name]? Is that you?”

Me:
“Yeah. I’m almost done.”

Friend:
“Oh, my God, you’re in so much trouble!”

Me:
“What? Why?”

Friend:
“For skipping the fire drill!”

Me:
“What fire drill?”

Friend:
“Uh, the one that just happened? You know, flashy lights, loud alarm, all that? [Camp Director] is furious you didn’t show up.”

Me:
“I didn’t hear anything!”

Friend:
“Sure…”

After I dry off and dress, my friend brings me to the camp director, who is, in fact, furious. She thinks I pretended not to hear the fire alarm so I wouldn’t have to go outside in a towel, but I insist that I really couldn’t hear it. Eventually, I convince her to see for herself. Someone turns the fire alarm back on, and I go back to the bathroom with her and two counselors.

Camp Director:
“If you’re lying, I will be calling your parents immediately to discuss whether you can continue attending camp.”

Me:
“I couldn’t hear it, I swear!”

Camp Director:
“We’ll see about that.”

We reach the bathroom, go inside, and close the door. The sound of the alarm all but disappears.

Counselor #1:
“Well, you can still hear it a little…”

[Counselor #2] walks into a shower stall and turns on the water. The alarm becomes completely inaudible, and the camp director’s eyes bug out in anger that is, thankfully, not directed toward me.

Camp Director:
“Excuse me. It seems I need to go yell at someone.”

From what I heard, she did go yell at some administrator from the university over putting her students’ lives — and their own — in danger. The bathroom doors in the dorm were immediately propped open with strict instructions not to close them until the situation was addressed. The next day, the university “addressed the situation” by removing the doors entirely.

I work at a major petrol station in Australia. It’s not compulsory to pre-pay for your fuel here, so we have to authorise the fuel pump from the till. We have 35 fuel pumps, so it can get pretty complicated sometimes!

It is during the busiest period of the afternoon when I notice that every time I try to authorise the pump, the customer hangs it back up again. This happens several times. Eventually, she comes running into the store.

Customer:
“The pump isn’t working! Fix it!”

Me:
“Sorry you’re having trouble. Just pick up the pump and put it inside the car and wait for a few seconds so we can authorise your fuel for you.”

Customer:
“I was doing that! It’s not working!”

Me:
“Please go out there and try again. It should be working fine now.”

The customer runs back out of the store and to her car. She picks up the pump, holding it above her head for a few seconds, and finally puts it into her car. We authorise her fuel and keep watching her. I check on the screen to check how much fuel she’s pumped and was surprised to see she had none. As I expect, the customer comes back into the store frantic about filling up her car.

Customer:
“It’s still not working! You said it would be fine!”

Me:
“Well, we did manage to authorise your fuel this time. Were you actually pulling the trigger on the pump?”

Customer:
“What? It doesn’t just work automatically?”

I am now holding back the urge to laugh.

Me:
“No, of course not. You squeeze the handle and the fuel will pump into your car.”

Customer: “Oh.”

She runs out of the store and back to her car. She picks up the pump and finally begins pumping. When she’s done she comes into the store, pays for her fuel, and then leaves. Thinking we’ve seen the last of her, I am relieved, only to see her running back into the store again.

Customer:
“There’s no fuel in my car! I just paid all this money and when I turned the car on, it still reads as empty!”

Me: 
“You do know you have to wait several minutes before the fuel gauge moves, right? Unless you spilled a tank’s worth of fuel straight onto the ground, it’ll be in your car.”

She protested some more but finally left. All I could do was giggle for the rest of the shift.