Maybe Microsoft Makes Them

, , , | Right | August 20, 2008

(A customer has no power to a CD-ROM drive and has a disc stuck inside.)

Me: “Okay, here’s what you have to do. You need to find yourself a paperclip and unbend it a bit, so you have something to stick in the little hole next to the volume dial.”

Customer: “So… a paperclip, you say? Can I order that from you? I’m not sure what that is…”

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Darwin Called, He Wants His Prehensile Thumb Back

, , , | Right | August 16, 2008

Me: “Thank you for holding. I hear you need some help getting your car opened?”

Caller: “Yeah, my battery went dead and so I can’t get my doors open!”

Me: “Did you lock your keys in your car?”

Caller: “No, it’s just that I have electronic locks, and the battery is dead so I can’t get the doors open!”

Me: “Um, did you try to open the door manually?”

Caller: “How do I do that? ”

Me: “You stick your key into the door lock on the outside of the door. Turn it and it should unlock.”

Caller: “OH! YOU CAN DO THAT?!”

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So Dumb It Hurts

, , , , | Right | August 11, 2008

(I work at a vet’s office and am giving a woman and her three children basic grooming information for their new puppy. The conversation has already been going on for an hour.)

Me: “…the groomers can do different ‘cuts’ or ‘styles’ for your dog, depending on how you want him to look.”

Customer: “Will that hurt?”

Me: “Will what hurt?”

Customer: “Cutting him. Will it hurt when you cut him?”

Me: “No… it’s not cutting HIM; it’s just cutting his fur.”

Customer: “Oh… but will that hurt?”

Me: “No… it’s hair.”

Customer: “Are you sure it won’t hurt when you cut it?”

Me: “It’s just like when you get your own hair cut. Does it hurt when you get your hair cut?”

Customer: *looks confused*

Me: “Okay… well, no, it won’t hurt.”

(I then go on to other aspects of grooming… clipping toenails, cleaning the ears, etc.)

Me: “…you can clean the puppy’s ears if they get dirty, or just whenever you give him a bath.”

(I go over the ear cleaning process.)

Customer: “Will it hurt? ”

Me: “No… he may not like it and may shake his head, but it shouldn’t hurt. Just make sure you don’t stick anything, like a Q-Tip, into his ear.”

Customer: “Okay, so how do I do that?”

(I go over the ear cleaning process again.)

Me: “…and again, just whenever you give him a bath…”

Customer: “Okay, how do I do that? ”

Me: “Well, there are several different shampoos you can use…”

Customer: “But how do I do that?”

Me: “You mean… how do you actually give him a bath?”

Customer: “Yes, how do I do that?”

Me: “Just like you’d bathe your kids… The puppy’s small, so you can bathe him in the sink, or in the bathtub…”

Customer: “But how do I bathe him?”

(At this point, I look at the woman’s three children and wonder how they’ve survived their mother.)

Me: “Umm… you put water on him… Err… You know, we have full-service grooming here. It includes a bath. We’ll do everything for you: cut his toenails, clean his ears, trim his hair…”

Customer: “But we don’t want to hurt him. Will a bath hurt?”

Me: “It’s WATER!”


This story is part of our Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

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Behind Every New Sign Is Someone Stupid

, , , | Right | August 9, 2008

(I work in the mail room of a large corporate law firm filled with Harvard grad attorneys.)

Attorney: “I’m needing to send a fax and this machine has a problem!”

Me: “Okay, let me help you with that.”

Attorney: “This machine doesn’t have a dash button!”

Me: “I’m sorry, a dash button?”

Attorney: “Yeah, like in the instructions: 201 DASH 555 DASH 1234…”

(After that incident we had to go back and change ALL the signs for the fax machines on every floor to say, “Do not include the dash.”)

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Drive-Thru Virgin

, , | Right | August 8, 2008

(A customer pulls up to the drive-thru and the headpiece beeps in my ear to alert me.)

Me: “Welcome to [Coffee Place]. What can I get for you?”

Customer: *no response*

Me: “Hello? What can I get for you?”

Customer: *no response*

(The customer drives up to the drive-thru window.)

Customer: “There must be something wrong with your drive-thru. I kept talking but you didn’t hear me.”

Me: “I was trying to talk to you. I know it works because I have been using it all day.”

Customer: “Well, it’s broken now.”

Me: “Did you roll down your window?”

Customer: “Oh, I have to do that?”


This story is part of the Drive-Thru roundup!

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