I’m working in a Postgraduate Medical Library which, for anyone who hasn’t encountered one, is full of reference books and additional training materials used by — sometimes highly — qualified medical staff.

I answer the phone one morning to a rather irate person demanding to know our opening hours. “8:30 to 17:00,” I tell him, “and if you’re on our staff here you can arrange out-of-hours access by speaking to Mr. [Supervisor].”

“Well,” says my caller, “it’s half-past ten and I’ve been banging on the door for ages; I want you to let me in!”

I don’t understand; our door is open and people are coming in and out all the time. We have a second door, which is a fire escape door and only opens in one direction, but there’s a glass panel in it so I’d see if anyone was there, and it’s also right next to my desk. I explain this to the guy and he starts getting irate.

“No, the door’s locked and you’re ignoring me; will you please come and let me in?!

 I take a deep breath. “Are you sure you’re actually at the Postgraduate Medical Library?”

“Of course I’m sure!”

“Are you in a long corridor with dark blue walls and a view of the garden?”

“Yes, of course!” The guy’s blood pressure is going stratospheric by now.

“I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place. That’s the Patient Library, and it opens at 14:00. To get to the Postgraduate Medical Library, you need to walk back to the main reception area, take the lift to the third floor, and turn left. The door will be right in front of you, and it’s open all the time.”

Not a word of apology, just a slammed phone and, five minutes later, a very red-faced man erupts in through the door muttering something about signage. Both rooms have very clear signs explaining their titles, opening hours, and the number to ring at any other time.

I am always impressed by the total lack of reading comprehension displayed by some of these highly-trained people.

Nurse: *to a patient* “Do you want a flu shot while you’re here?”

Patient: “No, I don’t get flu shots.”

Nurse: “Oh. Have you had an adverse reaction to them?”

Patient: “No. Vaccines cause cancer. I know that because I’ve been to Japan. People there aren’t vaccinated, and no one gets cancer in Japan.”

(I’m ringing up a customer who has bought three T-bone steaks.)

Customer: “Wait. You’ve done something wrong. I only bought two steaks.”

(The steaks are priced differently because of different weights and each item on the screen has a different price.)

Me: “No, ma’am. You can check your bag. There are three steaks in there.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know what exactly you did, but you need to take one of those steaks back right now!”

Me: “Are you saying… Nope, never mind. Yes, ma’am. I’ll put one back for you.”

(I’m a cashier at an Italian restaurant and it is close to closing time. We do to-go orders, and we have only three pizzas left to be picked up. A customer walks in.)

Me: “Hello, sir. Are you picking up?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, what’s the name and what’d you have?”

Customer: “[Last Name #1] and I’m not sure. I didn’t order it.”

Me: “Okay…”

(I look at the three pizzas we have and none are under that name, and the guy has no idea what he ordered.)

Me: “Could it be under any other name?”

Customer: “No! How hard is it to find my d*** pizza?! It’s under [Last Name #1].”

(I start to become aggravated and my manager gets off the phone to deal with this guy.)

Manager: “I’m sorry, sir. What did you have?”

Customer: “Pizza! It’s under [Last Name #1]. This is ridiculous. You misplaced my order.”

Manager: “Okay… and there is no other name it could be under?”

Customer: “No! It’s under [Last Name #1]!”

Manager: “Could it be under [Last Name #2]?”

Customer: “What?! No! I don’t know any [Last Name #2]! Do I look like a [Last Name #2] to you?”

Manager: “What about [First Name]?”

Customer: “That’s my first name, but it’s under [Last Name #1]!”

Manager: “Well, can you call the person that placed the order to see what they ordered?”

Customer: “Unbelievable!”

(The customer calls his daughter and she put it under [First Name].)

Customer: “It’s under [First Name]… I’m never picking up pizza from here again! This is ridiculous!”

(I work in a tiny little craft store.)

Friend: “Hello, I’m looking for yarn for waulking. What do you have for that?”

Owner: “Ah, yes, you’ll need pure wool for that! It’s over here in this corner.” *shows selection, gives advice, and is very helpful*

Friend: “I’ll try this colour. How much is it?”

Owner: “Very pretty! That’s 500 kr.”

Friend: *hands over a 1000 kr bill*

Owner: *picks up a calculator, inputs “1000-500” to get the total*

Friend: “…”

Me: “…”

Owner: “All right, that’s 500 back.”

Friend: *stunned* “Thank you…”