(When I first begin my career, I am a bank teller, also known as “the trenches” and the “first line of defense.” We handle all of the customer calls and face-to-face inquiries, schedule meetings, and make sales. This means I deal with people from all walks of life and all manners of intelligence!

One afternoon, I am on the front line and a twenty-something man comes up to my wicket, lazily chewing away on a half-eaten slice of pizza, smacking his jaws loudly.

We review his account, and he was charged $42.50 for having “Not Sufficient Funds” in his account for a regular payment that goes out every month. He takes a bite of pizza as he speaks.)

Customer: “I shouldn’t have been charged that.”

(I always take exception to this and never give an inch. I keep to our policies strictly, and even the times I got NSF fees, I gladly paid the “idiot tax.”)

Me: “I’m sorry, but it is laid out in the documentation you were given when you opened your account. If a payment bounces, you will be charged an NSF fee.”

Customer: *with his mouth full* “But I don’t understand why I got charged.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll help you understand. Let me know you’re with me as I go through this. You had a payment for $150, for your insurance, go out on the 15th…”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “…just like it goes out on the 15th every month for $150.”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “So, we’ve established that you’re aware you need to have $150 in your account every month on the 15th.”

(The customer bites his pizza and just nods.)

Me: “Your payment went out. For $150. On the 15th.”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “You didn’t have $150 in your account. There was not enough money in your account. We couldn’t pay the insurance company.”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “You did not have sufficient funds. Your payment bounced. You were charged a fee.”

Customer: *practically spitting pizza* “I don’t understand why I got charged!”

Me: “Okay, let’s start again.”

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 90
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 89
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 88

(I work as a receptionist for a dental office. Even though we’re a relatively small practice, we still have about a thousand active patients at any given time. One day, I get this call from an elderly gentleman:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Practice]. How can I help you?”

Caller: *enthusiastically* “Hi! It’s me!”

(I see that caller ID simply reads, “Private Caller.”)

Me: “Well, hello! I’d love to help you today; can I start with your name?”

Caller: “Yeah, yeah, it’s me! You know me!”

(We do know quite a few of our patients by name on sight, and in most cases, a first or last name is enough to correctly identify any mystery patient.)

Me: *laughs* “Yes, I’m sure I do! Okay, I just need to find your file in the computer, though. Can I get your last name?”

Caller: “I was just there; you know me!”

Me: *cheerfully* “We get a lot of patients, since [Doctor] is very popular. When were you last in?”

Caller: *still very enthusiastic* “I was there a month or two ago! You know me!”

Me: *giving up* “Oooh! Yes, of course, I know you! What can I do for you?”

(I managed to glean some details during the rest of our conversation, and after searching our appointment book through the previous three months, I was able to successfully match a name to the unidentified caller. He was right! I DID know him because he had been in quite frequently for a brief time, and because he was always so cheerful at the visits. He’s still a patient and every time he calls our office, he only says, “Hi, it’s me!”, though all our receptionists know who “me” is now.)

(I’m a personal shopper at a store. A new shopper is hired. Right away, it’s obvious that she’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Still, she seems like she can do the job, and there is a bit of a learning curve, so we’re patient with her and help her out if she has any questions. One day, she has a question and asks if I can come to dairy.)

Me: “What’s up?”

Coworker: “So, we’re out of [Half And Half that has “organic” in the name]. What should I do? Give them the store brand?”

Me: “No. We never give a customer non-organic for organic unless they’re okay with it. Give them [Other Brand of half and half that also has “organic” in the name].”

Coworker: “Oh. Is that actually organic or is it just the name?”

Me: “It’s organic.”

Coworker: “Really? How can you tell?”

Me: “It… it has ‘organic’ in the name.”

Coworker: “But isn’t that just the name of the brand? It’s not really organic, right?”

Me: “Okay, you see how the price tag is purple? A purple tag means that the product is organic. It’s like that throughout the entire store.”

Coworker: “Oh! Okay. That makes sense.”

(I really hope this was just a brain fart on her part, but I seriously doubt it.)

(I work for a multinational clothing chain. The customer’s daughter purchased a jacket in the UK and went back home to Tenerife where she lives. She discovered that the security tag was still on it.

The annoyed daughter demands some kind of compensation for the hassle as she needs to take the jacket to the store in Tenerife to remove the tag and is really unhappy about the whole situation. Her mother has called to complain and was asked to send the receipt in.)

Me: “Good morning, and welcome to [Chain]. How can we help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I need to speak to [Manager]; she’s a manager there. I’m supposed to send her a copy of my receipt but I’ve done a very stupid thing… I’ve ironed it and now it’s black and burnt!”

Me: “You’ve ironed it?!”

Customer: “It was all crinkled up! I wanted it to be smooth when I took a picture of it!”

Me: “Well… uh… okay, let me speak to [Manager]. What’s your name?”

Customer: “[Customer].”

(I give the manager a quick call.)

Me: “Hi, [Manager], I have a customer who was meant to send a receipt in to you. She’s called [Customer].”

Manager: “Oh, yes, she said that her daughter bought a jacket, but the tag was still on it; she says her daughter is unable to take the jacket back to the store in Tenerife as she is not close to the store and her daughter does not have the receipt with her to prove she has bought it, but [Customer] does. She was really, really unhappy about it, so I advised that she scan us a copy of the receipt and we would look into it further and maybe get a gift card for the value of the coat to be sent out. I said that we would only do this if she provided us with proof of purchase though, as it’s a goodwill gesture.”

Me: “Oh, well, funnily enough… She wanted to let you know that she is so dumb, she has… ahem… ironed her receipt you asked her to send in and it’s now all black and burnt.”

Manager: “Ha! What an idiot! I was being nice offering her that, anyway; I normally wouldn’t have! What a fool. Okay, well, we can’t help her without a receipt. It was a goodwill gesture but on the condition that she sends that in. Nothing we can do without it!”

Me: *laughs* “Okay, well, I shall enjoy telling her!”

(I take a deep breath and try to control my laughter and feign sympathy.)

Me: “Hi. [Customer], I’ve just spoken to [Manager] and I’m really sorry, but she says that without the receipt, we’re not able to take this further, I’m afraid.”

Customer: “What?! But that jacket is £80! It’s not our fault your store left the tag on!”

Me: “I know and I’m really sorry about that, but unfortunately, we’re now unable to help any further, as we cannot see on our records how much the jacket was or when it was purchased.”

Customer: “Well, I’m very disappointed; you’ve just lost a customer!” *click*

We provide a cable Internet network in a nearby housing complex. Many residents run a cable to their home but then move on, leaving the cable available for the next resident via a company-branded network port on the wall.

A new resident contacts us, saying she had plugged her computer into the network port we provided to the previous resident, but IE can’t display the page. (Clue one: “Is my browser that thing with the E on it?”)

I send my assistant over to see what the problem is, as I can’t see a physical connection to her unit on our router through that network port.

Not five minutes later, he’s back. She has a USB printer cable plugged into her computer, with the USB-B side in the network port in the wall!

It is the same basic shape, I guess.