I’m at the customer service desk, and a customer drops a few boxes of Tylenol on the counter.

Customer: “I want to return these! And shame on you for still selling these!”

I sigh, as I know what this is about. A few days earlier, the president announced that Tylenol causes autism in pregnant women if they take it.

Me: *Trying to treat this as a standard return.* “Do you have your receipt, ma’am?”

Customer: “I do not, but I shouldn’t need to! You need to be doing a recall on all Tylenol for causing austism!”

That’s not a typo. The customer really did say “austism”.

Me: “Some of these boxes look pretty old. How long have you had these?”

Customer: “They’ve been in the medicine drawer for a while, but like I said, it shouldn’t matter!”

Me: “Okay, well, out of these five boxes, four have expired, so we can’t do anything with those. All we can do is give you a store credit on this one.”

Customer: “That’s not very good, but I suppose it’ll do. I’ll do an exchange.”

She comes back from the medication aisle with some Panadol and puts it on the counter.

Customer: “I’ll exchange it for this.”

Me: “Ma’am, you’re aware that’s just another acetaminophen?”

Customer: *Looks confused.*

Me: “The reason you want to get rid of all your Tylenol is based on what the president announced, yes? He said it was acetaminophen.”

Customer: “No, he said it was Tylenol! So Panadol should be okay!”

Me: “Tylenol and Panadol are the same medication, just different brands.”

Customer: “No, he said it was Tylenol and only Tylenol! Stop being so stubborn and do the exchange!”

Realizing this is not a winnable fight (or one even worth having) I do the exchange. The price difference is ten cents, which she happily pays and walks out with her exact same medication.

CORRECTION: A speaker title has been corrected.

When I was a kid, my dad owned a grocery store. Due to an ordering mix-up, he’d ordered way too many of a particular kind of candy bar.

Dad: “I’ll sell them twenty cents apiece. That should clear them.”

After a week of this, he’s barely sold any. My oldest brother is in college studying marketing and economics.

Brother: “Dad, can I try something? It’s based on something I learned in class.”

Dad: “Sure, go ahead!”

My brother put them on special display with a sign saying twenty cents apiece or five for a dollar, and they sold out in two days.

I hand a customer his change after a small purchase. Among the coins and bills is a $2 bill, slipped in without me noticing.

Customer: *Squints at it, and then explodes.* “What the h*** is this?! A fake bill? You trying to scam me?!”

Me: “Oh! No, sir, I apologize. That’s a $2 bill. It must have been placed into the $1 drawer by mistake. I’m sorry for not noticing.”

Customer: “This business should be ashamed, trying to shortchange your customers!”

My manager steps over, drawn by the shouting.

Manager: “Sir, we apologize. The truth is, that $2 bill was sitting in our $1 drawer. There’s no slot for them, and the cashier forgot. You were supposed to get a $1 bill. So technically—” *Hands him the $1.* “—this is what you should’ve received.”

Customer: “Don’t try to cover your tracks. I know funny money when I see it.”

The customer’s wife, who has been enduring his ranting up until now, taps him ever-so-slightly on the back of the head.

Customer’s Wife: “They’re real, you moron! If you’d kept your mouth shut, you’d have been a dollar ahead!”

The man’s face goes red. He pockets the $1 while my manager puts the $2 bill back in the cash drawer (but folded in the back). The customer walks away without another word, silenced from having paid the a**hole tax.

A customer is glaring at some produce and then starts glaring at me.

Customer: “Twenty-five cents a pound? I can get them four pounds for a dollar at Kroger!”

Me: “Would you like me to price match that four-pound price?”

Customer: “You’d better, or I’ll cause a scene.”

I help them bag up four pounds.

Customer: “Aren’t you going to put a special label on it so that the checkout girls know to charge me correctly?”

Me: “I’ll be sure to let them know.”

Customer: “How will you know which checkout I’m using? You gonna tell them all?”

Me: “Sure will! We want to provide good service after all!”

Customer: “Hmph… fine.” *Wanders off to moan about something else.*