(I worked a phone counter during the commencement weekend in May, and this was a conversation between myself and a caller the day before graduation.)

Me: “Hello, commencement help, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to know something. Am I graduating tomorrow?”

Me: “Uh… do you mean are you walking?”

Caller: “No, I mean graduating.”

Me: “What’s your major?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Well… what college are you in?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…do you know what school this is?”

Caller: “…” *hangs up*

Coworker: *to me* “I bet he was wasted.”

(A student approaches my counter at our college’s store, which is adjacent to the bank.)

Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

College Student: “Yes, I need to get four dollars out of the bank.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the campus bank branch does not open for another hour.”

College Student: “Well… what if I was to pay you? *pulls out a five dollar bill*

Me: “You’re going to pay me five dollars to get four dollars out of the bank?”

College Student: “Yes.”

Me: “Why don’t I just give you change in ones for this five?”

College Student: “You can do that?”

Me: “Yes.”

College Student: “Technology these days!”

(I give him the five ones, and he walks out of the store shaking his head and smiling to himself, still saying “Wow!”)

(A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.)

Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.”

Me: “Okay, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?”

Student: *gives me the info*

Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.”

(I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.)

Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?”

Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.”

Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?”

Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.”

Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.”

Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!”

Me: “You called us, remember?”

Student: *click*

College Student: “Do you have any stamps?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. This is a library.”

College Student: “But I need to buy some stamps.”

Me: “I can’t help you. We don’t sell stamps in the library. You should try the post office in [college building] tomorrow.”

College Student: “But I need the stamps now. Can’t I just have some stamps?”

Me: “Listen, libraries don’t sell stamps. The post office will sell you stamps tomorrow morning when it opens. But right now, in this building, I can not sell you stamps.”

College Student: “So you’ll sell me stamps tomorrow?”

Me: “Listen, you can’t even mail anything on a Sunday evening. Why don’t you come back later?”

(Not surprisingly, he came back at 8 the next morning demanding stamps.)

Me: “Do you need some help?”

Young Teen: “Yes, I’m looking for a book on a country.”

Me: “Do you want a travel guide or a book about the history of the country?

Young Teen: “A travel guide, I guess. It’s for school.”

Me: “Okay, then. Where would you like a travel guide to?”

Young Teen: “Hades.”

Me: “…you mean, Haiti?”

Young Teen: “Yeah, I guess that’s the way we say it here.”

This story is part of our 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup!

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