(I have just gotten my first job, at age sixteen. I am a clerk in a gas station that mostly sells gas and cigarettes.)

Customer: “Oh, hey, [My Name], I didn’t know you worked here.”

Me: “Yeah, I just started a couple weeks ago. What can I get you?”

Customer: “Can I get a pack of cigarettes?”

Me: “We were in grade eight together, and I’m only sixteen. I’m pretty sure I can’t sell you those.”

Customer: “Yeah, I like, failed a lot of grades. I’m nineteen now.”

Me: “Really? Can I see your ID then?”

Customer: “I… I think I’ll try the 7-eleven down the street.”

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(I am working near a copy station, and a woman comes up with a large stack of papers.)

Customer: “Do you have any zip ties to bind this with?”

Me: “Sure, here.”

(As she binds the papers, I see the word “Ethics” on the first page.)

Me: “Oh, is this for an ethics class?”

Customer: “Yes! I didn’t want to pay for the book, so I photocopied it. Do you think the professor is going to like how resourceful I am?”

Me: “I’m sure you’ll have a very lively discussion about it.”

This story is part of our Customer Situations That Will NOT End Well roundup!

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(I am working in retail when a confused-looking student approaches me.)

Me: “Hi there, how can I help you?”

Student: “I want to get a sample.”

Me: “A sample of what?”

Student: “What have you got?”

Me: “What do you need it for? For class?”

Student: “Yeah, for class.”

Me: “Which class?”

Student: “Social Sciences.”

Me: “I’m not aware of any requirements for that class. Do you have it written down somewhere?”

(The student looks through her bag and produces a piece of paper. She hands it to me.)

Me: “This is an assignment to set up a small psychological experiment.”

Student: “Yes! And I need a sample.”

Me: “Do you mean participants? You want me to get you participants?”

Student: “Yeah, the teacher said about thirty should do. Do they come to my place or do I have to get them from here?”

Me: “I’m afraid that’s not how it works. You have to find participants on your own.”

Student: “What? That’s ridiculous! Isn’t it enough that I do all the science?”

This story is part of the Customers-Who-Don’t-Understand-Science-themed roundup!

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(I worked a phone counter during the commencement weekend in May, and this was a conversation between myself and a caller the day before graduation.)

Me: “Hello, commencement help, how can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to know something. Am I graduating tomorrow?”

Me: “Uh… do you mean are you walking?”

Caller: “No, I mean graduating.”

Me: “What’s your major?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Well… what college are you in?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…do you know what school this is?”

Caller: “…” *hangs up*

Coworker: *to me* “I bet he was wasted.”

(A student approaches my counter at our college’s store, which is adjacent to the bank.)

Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

College Student: “Yes, I need to get four dollars out of the bank.”

Me: “I’m sorry, the campus bank branch does not open for another hour.”

College Student: “Well… what if I was to pay you? *pulls out a five dollar bill*

Me: “You’re going to pay me five dollars to get four dollars out of the bank?”

College Student: “Yes.”

Me: “Why don’t I just give you change in ones for this five?”

College Student: “You can do that?”

Me: “Yes.”

College Student: “Technology these days!”

(I give him the five ones, and he walks out of the store shaking his head and smiling to himself, still saying “Wow!”)