(I work in the office of the Chemistry Department at a university. We have some of our courses available online, as well as on campus. Since our department phone number is listed on the website, sometimes people call us when they should talk to admissions or the registrar’s office first.)

Me: “Department of Chemistry. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Student: “I’m a new, non-degree-seeking student, and I want to take the online organic chemistry. I have a question about sending in my transcripts to show I meet the prerequisites.”

Me: “Do you know which organic chemistry course you are interested in? We have two sequential courses online. I want to make sure I check the correct prerequisites for you.”

(After a few minutes of back and forth, I figure out which one the student is interested in.)

Me: “The prerequisite for that course is just one year of general chemistry. When you try to register, is it giving you any registration errors?”

Student: “Should I send in my transcripts to the department so I can get an override to register for the course?”

Me: “Are you getting an error message when you try to register?”

Student: “I haven’t tried yet.”

Me: “I would hold off for the moment. Try registering for the class. If your transcripts made it into our systems during the admission process, you may not need an override.”

Student: “I just sent in my application today. When do classes start this term?”

Me: “Today is the end of the first week of classes this term. You haven’t been admitted yet?”

Student: “Not yet. I just sent in the application a few minutes ago. Should I email my transcripts to the department so I can get the override?”

Me: “You’ll need to wait until you are admitted, and then attempt to register. It may be too late to register for classes this term, depending on when you are allowed to register. Once you are admitted and the registrar’s office informs you that you are allowed to register, go ahead and give it a try. If you encounter any registration errors, you can use the webform to send in your info, and we then need to get instructor approval. If it is over a week into the term, the instructor may not grant it.”

(We are on a quarter system, with 10-week terms, the 11th week being finals week.)

Student: “You mean I can’t just send in my information for the override so you have it?”

Me: “If you send something in now, and we don’t have a student ID number to connect to it, it may get lost. And it may be too late to get any kind of override. If you encounter issues trying to register, we can do our best to help you at that time. For now, it would be best to wait for admissions to make their decision.”

(A little bit more back and forth, and I finish the call. Turning to a coworker in the office:)

Me: “Isn’t it customary to wait for the letter of acceptance before trying to register for classes?”

(My dad is a college professor. I attended, and now tutor at, the same college. I’m hanging out in the computer lab when I strike up a conversation with a student. Note that I’m unmarried, so Dad and I have the same last name, and it’s a pretty unusual one for our area.)

Me: “Hey, what are you working on?”

Student: “Proofreading this programming project for Mr. [My Last Name]. He’s really picky about formatting.”

Me: “Seriously? With his spelling and grammar, he’s going to nitpick about students getting every detail right? I used to edit assignments for him before he passed them out!”

Student: “Yeah, he’s pretty tough. On my last project, I [made some minor mistake; I don’t remember what], and he took off like ten points for it!”

(I commiserate with him a while longer, and it actually takes me a few minutes to realize he doesn’t know who I am. I’m bad with faces and have met most of the computer science students, but not this one. I’m not setting him up; I asked what he was doing because I like programming, and I sympathized because I really do think Dad’s too strict sometimes. But as we’re saying goodbye, I can’t help myself.)

Student: “It was nice meeting you. I’m [Student]. What’s your name?”

Me: “[My Full Name].”

(There’s a second of complete silence as the student looks terrified. I grin.)

Me: “Don’t worry; I think he’s a jerk, too.”

(I’m one of those students that does everything on time, gets As and cries at Bs, takes all high-level classes, does the extra credit, and is heading for a burnout. This class is an English Dual-Credit class.)

Teacher: “I’m going to treat you like college students, since this is for a college credit. Do not think you can skate by like you do in the rest of your classes.”

(Over the semester, no one but a handful of students — me included — ever turns their assignments in on time, or does the reading.)

Teacher: “Well, that’s okay! We can do the assignment and the reading in class. Don’t worry about it.”

(During Christmas break, I think to myself, “If she doesn’t care, why should I?” Instead of finishing my essay, I decide to blow it off. When we come back:)

Teacher: “Raise your hand if you’ve done your essay.”

(Surprisingly, everyone but another girl and me raises their hands.)

Teacher: “What happened?”

Me: *lying* “I couldn’t print it at home.”

Classmate: “Me, too.”

Teacher: “Go to the computer lab and print it.”

(To our luck, the computer lab and the library are actually closed! We head back.)

Teacher: “You know, I’m so disappointed in you. My due dates are very firm, and I told you that you couldn’t treat this like the rest of your classes. You can turn it in tomorrow for 10% off.”

(I have never hated a teacher more.)

Related:
Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 8
Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 7
Time To Assay The Essay Situation, Part 6

(Every year, my college does a fundraising push to the alumni. The following story summarizes my first four years of calls after graduating. Year One:)

Student #1: “Hi! I’m calling with [College], and we just want to update all your information in our system. We also want to talk to you about making a donation to your alma mater.”

Me: “But I just graduated a couple of months ago. I don’t even have a full time job yet!”

Student #1: “So, are you interested in making a donation?”

Me: “What do you think?”

Student #1: “Is that a no?”

Me: *heavy sigh* “It’s definitely a no.”

Student #1: “Have you considered how this will effect my education? Most [College] students benefit from scholarships that are funded by alumni.”

Me: “Did you hear me say that I don’t have a full-time job yet? I have no money!”

(It continues like this for five minutes until I just hang up. Year Two:)

Student #2: “Hi, I’m calling from [College], and we’re calling today to talk to you about investing in our future–”

Me: “I’m going to stop you for a second. I have a job this year, but I’m still paying off my student loans to get my degree, and I will be for a long time. So, I’ll answer all your questions if you put me on the Do Not Call list for next year.”

Student #2: “I can do that. Thank you! Most people just hang up.”

(Year Three:)

Student #3: “Hi, I’m calling from [College]. How are you today?”

Me: “Is this a fundraising push?”

Student #3: “No, of course not! We’re calling to update your information.”

Me: “Uh-huh. What do you need to update?”

Student #3: “Um… your phone number.”

Me: “Seriously?”

Student #3: “And I’m here to talk to you about donating to the alumni fund!”

Me: “Okay. Stop. Read my record. What does it say?”

Student #3: ”It says, ‘Do Not Call.’ Oh…” *hangs up*

(Year Four:)

Student #4: “I’m calling to talk to you about donating to the alumni fund!”

Me: “Again? Do y’all even read alumni notes before you call? What does my record say?”

Student #4: “But it’s for a good cause!”

Me: ”I asked nicely for y’all to stop, and you won’t. I’m still paying off my degree. Stop calling me. Do you understand?”

Student #4: “But it will help other students!”

Me: *click*

(The phone rings again. I pick it up.)

Me:  “Look, I know most kids who attend [College] are wealthy and can donate a lot. I AM NOT WEALTHY! I took out student loans to get a good education. I am still paying those loans off. STOP CALLING ME.” *click*

(It’s Year Five. I haven’t gotten any calls this year.)

(I’m in my third class of the day, with a teacher who doesn’t really like me. I start to feel terrible. I go to the teacher and ask if I can go to the office. This teacher looks at me, practically pale as a corpse, and says no, and that I’ll be fine. I manage to get to the next building over for my next class, where my teacher sees me before I even get to the classroom. She is horrified by my zombie-like appearance and immediately asks if I need to go to the office. I miraculously make it to a bin and proceed to vomit, hard. I finally get to the office, still feeling queasy.)

Receptionist: “If you want the bathroom key, you’ll have to wait. You should have gone at recess.”

Me: “Actually, I think I might puke on you.”

Receptionist: *looks up, eyes go wide* “I’ll just call your mother.”

(She calls my mother, who says she’ll come to get me. Meanwhile, I’m feeling more and more like I’ll vomit again.)

Me: “Can I please use the office toilets? I think I might be sick again.”

Receptionist: “No, but here’s a vomit bag.”

Me: “That’s not going to hold enough; I threw up a lot before. Please let me use the toilets.”

Receptionist: “No, you’ll have to go outside.”

(So, I trudge outside, out to the front of the school, and proceed to vomit all over their flower beds while cars drive by to witness the spectacle. By the time my mother arrives, I’m still outside, not puking anymore, though I still feel very sick.)

Mum: “What are you doing out here?!”

Me: “They wouldn’t let me use the toilets when I told them the barf bag wouldn’t cut it.”

(I could see she was mad as she walked into the office, but unfortunately, I have no idea what she said. We made it home without me being sick all over the car, but I still threw up a couple more times that day and had to take the next few days off school. When I went into the office on my first day back with my doctor’s note, the ladies were MUCH nicer to me, so I’m guessing whatever my mother said worked!)