(I teach physics to students in a university aviation course in New Zealand. It is like flight school, but with more depth of background knowledge, and you get a degree at the end of it. There are about 20 students, and about half of them are from Asian nations: Malaysia, Korea, Indonesia, etc. The first lesson is unit conversion. I give them some unit conversion factors, like miles to feet and feet to meters, and give some examples, one of which is something like, “Convert 340 yards and 2 feet into miles.” An Asian student raises their hand.)

Student: “What is a yard?”

Me: “I am so happy to find out there are people in the world who don’t know what a yard is. Alas, I am about to destroy your innocent ignorance.”

(I explain inches, feet, yards, chains, furlongs, and miles, to the astonishment of half the class.)

(I volunteer to bring my friend’s teenage children to school one morning. I’ve dropped the youngest at junior high and am now going to drop off the oldest.)

Me: “Well, that was a confusing drop-off. At least I know where to drop you off.”

Oldest: “Yeah, Mrs. [My Name], at your house so I can go back to sleep.”

Me: “Nice try, kid, but you have to go to school. ‘A’ for effort, though.”

(My junior high school AP history teacher is explaining his test policies to us in the first class of the year.)

Teacher: “In this class, I honor the seventy-percent rule for tests. If seventy percent of the class gets a question wrong on a test, I have clearly not taught that concept well enough and everyone gets that point for free. If you get one of these questions right, you get an extra credit point for it. Any questions?”

(We all glance at each other until one girl raises her hand.)

Girl: “So… If we all get a question wrong. Like, really wrong. On purpose. We all get the point, anyway?”

Teacher: “Yes.”

Girl: “And… If we did a whole test like that?”

Teacher: “There’s one every year! And I’ll tell you what I’ve told all my other classes. You’re AP kids, so you care about your grades. If seventy percent of you decide to throw one of my tests, and stick to it, then I will give you all full credit just for being ballsy!”

(Sadly, we were never able to get enough of the class to agree that we could try this. I wish now we had… I have a feeling he would have kept his word!)

(I am in a beginner-level Spanish class. Even though this is most students’ first experience with learning another language, the class is encouraged to discuss topics entirely in Spanish as much as possible. It’s a Monday morning, and the lesson of the day has to do with descriptions of events, and deeper responses to, “How are you?” conversation starters, beyond the typical, “I’m well, thanks. How are you?”)

Profesora: “¿Quien puede decir como fue su fin de semana?” *Who can tell how their weekend went?*

(A student, whose “Spanish name” is Patricio, volunteers.)

Patricio: “Este fin de semana no fue bien, porque mi papa esta enfermo.” *This weekend did not go well, because my dad is sick.*

(At least, this is what he tries to say. However:)

Profesora: “Your potato is sick?”

(The class shared a laugh and Patricio turned an embarrassed, pink shade as the teacher took this opportunity to explain the importance of certain punctuations, specifically the accent, indicating emphasis. Patricio, trying for papá [father], instead emphasizing the first syllable [PA-pa], accidentally called his father a potato.)

Student #1: “Did you realize [Professor] did his doctoral work in England, and knows lots of really cool people? He just got back from New York, and went backstage to see Peter O’Toole. They were long-time drinking buddies.”

Student #2: “Do you realize that Peter O’Toole is a double-phallic name?”