(I am an American living in China, teaching young kids aged three to twelve. We have two main categories. The first one is based on age. If you’re three, you go to a specific level, same for four or five. The second category is based on skill, and you’re given a proficiency exam to go into it, or a kid ages into it by completing the first category. This takes place in my lowest level of the second category.)

Me: “Okay, guys. We’re going to learn, ‘What’s up?’ It’s like saying, ‘How are you?’ but more fun. Okay, [Student #1], what’s up?”

Student #1: “I’m okay.”

Me: “Good start.”

(I turn to the next student. He tends to learn things a bit slower than the others, so I expect the exact same response.)

Me: “[Student #2], what’s up?”

Student #2: “Birds.”

(I crack up. I have no idea how he knows this.)

Me: “Great, [Student #2].”

(I keep practicing this for several weeks, and each week [Student #2] always says, “Birds,” probably because I always laugh and he likes the positive attention. Finally, I tell him, “No more birds.”)

Me: “Okay, [Student #2], no more birds. What’s up?”

Student #2: *pauses* “Birds and beer!”

(I’ve had quite a few hilarious instances with the kids in China, and their amazing way with playing with the language, but I have no idea where he picked that up from! To this day, it’s one of my highlights of teaching in China.)

I teach English in China to kids age three to twelve. I love my older kids, because I get beautiful gems, especially when they are clever and play with the language.

I am correcting some homework when I came across this gem.

The prompt is to write a letter to a friend or family member. Ask questions in the letter. Thank the person for reading and answering your letter.

The student wrote:

“Dear Dad.
How are you?
Do you like sing?
Why are drink lot of liquor?
Thank you to read my letter
Your daughter
Disy.”

I had a lot of fun correcting that letter.

(In geography class, the teacher calls me and my tablemate back to his desk and pulls out our last tests.)

Teacher: “Now, when I was grading your tests, I noticed some similarities on your tests. Can either of you explain this?”

Me: “I won three school geography bees, and made it to state finals my last year. This moron could not find the US on a three-country map of North America. Suggesting that I would cheat off of him is insulting.”

(With that, I flounced back to my seat. Somehow, I didn’t get in trouble for being a smarta**.)

(I’m a school receptionist. When students sign in late, they come to me.)

Students: “Miss, we’re sorry we’re late. [Road] was closed because someone died.”

(They give pretty specific details to the death, which I track down, but I put them on detention. They come back at break time.)

Students: “Why do we have detention?”

Me: “I looked into that accident and the road, and found out the closure was yesterday, not today.”

Students: “That’s not true!”

Me: “I pulled news sites and looked; they all give [date], which was yesterday. Now go to detention before I give you one after school!”

(I tell their head of year afterwards.)

Me: “I had half the mind to give them detention for that, too. It’s low.”

Head Of Year: “Keep it in your back pocket, and tell the parents when they come in for a meeting.”

(I’m an academic advisor. Most of my students are freshmen, so they don’t know how the registration process works. I send a short email with bullet points of all the information they need, and tell them they need to meet with me at some point during the next two weeks so they can be ready to register for spring classes. One student comes to see me. They have a question about another issue, and I tell them where to go to resolve it. They show me the forms, and I again tell them to go to the other office and they’ll fix the issue. We talk about classes, but they don’t know what to take. I look at their records and tell them two classes I strongly recommend taking ASAP, and pick out four other possibilities and suggest choosing two of those. The student seems satisfied.)

Me: “Okay, look over these, go to [School Website], and pick out the sections to make a schedule you like. Then, you’ll need to fill out this pre-registration form and bring it back for me to sign, and then you’re all set to register online on [date the following week].”

Student: “Okay. Wait, what about [issue we talked about before]? I need you to fix that.”

Me: “Oh, no, you need to go to [other office] to fix that; they’re in the next building.”

Student: “Oh, okay. Then can you sign this form?”

Me: “Your forms for [issue]? No, [other office] needs to sign them.”

Student: “No, this form, [the pre-registration form they haven’t filled out yet].”

Me: “Sorry, no, that’s the one you need to fill out with your classes, and I’ll sign it once it’s filled out.”

Student: “Oh, okay.” *starts to gather their things* “Okay, thanks! Oh, before I go, can you sign this form?”

Me: *staring* “No, that’s the one you need to fill out first.”

Student: “Oh!” *laughs* “Sorry, okay.”

(The student gets all their stuff in their bag, stands up, takes the form from my desk, and moves as if to leave.)

Student: “Thank you for your help! Oh, wait, I need you to sign this form.”

Me: “No. That’s the pre-registration form you still haven’t filled out. I can’t sign it before you fill it out. Come back anytime before [date next week] and I’ll sign it. Then, you can submit it at [location] and you’ll be ready to register online.”

Student: *pause* “Oh…”

Me: “Fill out that form, then bring it back for me to sign. If I’m not here, drop it off with the receptionist, and I’ll sign it and submit it for you.”

Student: “Hmm…” *leaves, without another word*

(Yesterday was the student’s registration day, and they never brought back their form. Maybe it’s an antiquated system to have to get the advisor’s signature, but it’s not really that hard.)