A Fore-Gone Conclusion

, , , , | Learning | April 28, 2014

(I take some of my students to a yearly interschool sports carnival that showcases a variety of sports. We’re walking across the hockey fields when one of my soccer girls looks excited.)

Soccer Girl: *looking at the hockey game* “I didn’t know they had golf here!”

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Teachers Are Master Building Children’s Minds

, , , , , , | Learning | March 20, 2014

(It is the week after “The Lego Movie” has come out, and the kids have all been singing “Everything is Awesome,” a song from the soundtrack, off and on. A new little girl comes for her first day and joins right in.)

Teacher’s Assistant: “Man, it’s spreading.”

Me: “Yeah, it’s catchy. I had it stuck in my head for hours after leaving the theater.”

Teacher’s Assistant: “What?”

Me: “From The Lego Movie? It plays over the credits.”

Teacher’s Assistant: “It’s from a movie?!”

Me: “Well, yeah. Where did you think they all learned it?”

Teacher’s Assistant: “I just thought they were all really optimistic this week!”

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Writing Off Their Handwriting

, , , , | Learning | February 13, 2014

(I teach entomology, and I have a student walk up to me with a quiz.)

Student: “I think you marked my quiz wrong. Number five was Coleoptera, but you marked it incorrect.”

(I look over the quiz. There’s no sign he changed the answer, but I had marked it wrong because I misread it as something else completely different. Upon closer inspection, I make out that it does say, “Coleoptera.”)

Me: “You’re right. I’ll give you that point.”

Student: “I’m sorry; my handwriting is like a drunk spider that fell in an inkpot and tried to walk on the page.”

(I laughed so hard I accidentally ripped his paper with the pen.)

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, , , , , | Learning | January 23, 2014

(Near my home is a very expensive liberal arts college whose student body seems to largely fall into two categories: hipsters and overly-aggressive, often misinformed “activists.” I am walking my large husky near the campus. An activist practically runs up to me.)

Student Activist: “Excuse me, miss. Can I have a moment of your time to talk about animal rights and exotic animal ownership?”

Me: “Actually, a few years ago I spent a summer interning at [Wildlife Sanctuary] and am pretty well versed in the dangers of having exotic animals as pets and the issues surrounding it. I assure you I’m against it. Good luck to you.”

Student Activist: “Oh, so you ‘understand’ and are ‘against it,’ huh?”

Me: “Yes. That’s what I said.”

Student Activist: “So I suppose those rules are only for other people and not for you.”

Me: “What? No. What are you talking about?”

Student Activist: “I’m talking about that wolf you’re walking around an urban area!”

Me: “What, him?!” *unable to resist laughing* “He’s definitely not a wolf.”

Student Activist: “He’s clearly too large! He’s a hybrid at the very least.”

Me: “I’ll admit he’s on the tall side for a husky, but I assure you he is all purebred husky.”

Student Activist: “If he’s not dangerous, why is he wearing a muzzle!?”

Me: “That’s a ‘Gentle Leader.’ If it was a muzzle, would his whole mouth be hanging out?”

(The student activist goes on a rant about how I’m oppressing a wild animal. I decide to have some fun.)

Me: “[Dog]! Howl! Come on boy, howl!”

(My dog wags his tail like crazy and admits a very loud and wolf-like howl that huskies are famous for.)

Me: “Yay! Good boy!” *rubs my very excited dog’s belly and scratches his ears*

Student Activist: “Well, you should be ashamed of yourself for buying a designer purebred and contributing to overpopulation of dogs!”

Me: “Yeah, hun. I’m leaving now, but just so you know, I got him from a rescue when he was five months old. Bye now.”

(On my way back home, I heard a familiar voice scolding someone for having the audacity to eat a hamburger in his presence.)

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A Ban On The Banner, A Fan Of The (Wayne) Manor

, , , , | Learning | July 2, 2013

(My professor is going to have a baby boy soon.)

Professor: “Now, who can tell me what radiation is?”

Student: “It’s what made the Hulk!”

Professor: “No! We don’t talk about the Hulk. That’s bad science. He’s my least favorite Avenger, because mass doesn’t work that way. No.”

Me: “But you said you were naming your baby Bruce!”

Professor: *looks me dead in the eye* “Batman.”

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