Juiced Up For Adulthood

, , , , , | Related | September 10, 2015

(I have been staying with my parents for a little while to finish college. One day, after several hours of getting the runaround at the college admin office, plus more lines than I’d ever wanted to see in one day, I come home and flop on the couch.)

Mom: “That kind of a day, huh?”

Me: “I’ve done all my responsible adult things for the day. I’m done! Where the h*** are my crayons and my juice box?!”

Mom: *laughs* “But it’s so hard to get the vodka into the juice box!”

Me: “I know, right?”

(We had a good laugh over that one, and I wound up having a beer and watching “Bill Nye the Science Guy.”)


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Some Camo You Can’t See, Some You Don’t Want To See

, , , , | Learning | August 23, 2015

(On Veteran’s Day, the students can wear camo or red/white/blue and get a treat. They get the treat from their homeroom teacher, which in this case is me.)

Student: “Miss! Miss! I’m wearing camo.”

(I turn from where I am handing out treats to some students.)

Student: “See!”

(He pulled his boxers out of the top of his pants so I could see that they were camo. He didn’t get the treat.)


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A Toast To The Beat

, , , | Learning | July 20, 2015

(In my elective music class, due to the usual teacher being absent, we have a substitute who is pretty lax; instead of teaching, he is playing on the drum kit. It is a rather cold day, so my friends and I are sitting around the wall-mounted gas heater.)

Friend #1: “Ugh, I want some d*** toast.”

Friend #2: “So do I. Is there any way we can make some?”

Friend #3: “…I have an idea.”

(She then proceeds to open the front flap for the heater, exposing the pilot light.)

Friend #3: “We could totally use this!”

Me: “And I actually have some bread with me!”

(We then proceed to skewer pieces of bread onto xylophone sticks and spend the next twenty minutes toasting various bits of our lunches. All while this is happening, the sub teacher is still on the drum kit.)

Teacher: *stops for a moment* “Can you guys smell toast?”


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I’m Leaving Today…

, , , , , | Learning | January 25, 2015

(We are sketching in a required art appreciation class. As the school is geared toward math and science, most of the students are uninterested. Our teacher allows us to talk about whatever we like to maintain morale, as long as we finish the sketch.)

Student #1: “I think that’s a pretty common product. I’ve seen it at just about every bodega I’ve ever gone to.”

Student #2: “What’s a bodega?”

(The teacher points imperiously at the door.)

Teacher: “Get out. Leave New York City now.”

(Bodegas are a well-known type of convenience store, especially in New York City.)


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Putting The Dry Into Dry Humor

, , , , , , | Learning | January 19, 2015

(My college officially has a dry campus, though some students choose to ignore that rule and bring alcohol into the dorms. Our RA is a mild-mannered guy who seems blind to the many indiscretions of the floor. The entire year, he only calls us together for a single floor meeting, the entirety of which is transcribed below:)

RA: “Guys, I know that even though you’re all underage, some of you drink. I wish you wouldn’t, but realistically, I know I can’t stop you. I know that even though alcohol isn’t allowed on campus, some of you drink on campus. I wish you wouldn’t, but realistically, I know I can’t stop you. I know that even though this is an underclassman dorm, some of you are drinking in your rooms. I wish you wouldn’t, but realistically, I know I can’t stop you. Since you’re going to break the rules no matter what I do, I’m not going to try to prevent you from drinking in your rooms. I just have one request: for the f****** love of God, would you stop leaving your empties in the dorm kitchen recycling bins?!”


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