Confidence Is Cute

, , , , | Friendly | September 15, 2017

(I’ve recently moved to New York City for graduate school. I previously lived in a small town in New England, so, as you would imagine, I’m undergoing some culture shock. I have about two hours to kill between classes, so I decide to head for the library. As I reach the library, a very large, burly man walks down the sidewalk behind me, singing “Come On, Eileen” loudly. He stops in front of me and stops singing.)

Man: “Do you think I’m cute?”

Me: “Uh…”

Man: “What would you rate me on a scale of 1 to 10?”

Me: “Of cuteness?”

Man: “Yes!”

Me: “Um… eight?”

Man: “Eight? That’s good. You know, I always rate myself an eight.”

(At this, he wandered back down the sidewalk, while I walked into the library. I wish I had his self-confidence!)

Ballin’ Down The Street

, , , , , | Friendly | August 23, 2017

(I’m an 18-year-old girl, and I’m walking down the sidewalk wearing a new outfit that I’m very happy about; it consists of a short skirt with a simple v-neck shirt and pump heels. I don’t have really anything in the way of curves and no cleavage to speak of, but I’m still feeling fine as ever. Then, a middle aged, businessman-looking guy walks by.)

Man: *smirking* “Lookin’ good, doll.”

(This is the first time I’ve ever been catcalled to my face, but I am prepared.)

Me: *turning around and grabbing my crotch* “Thanks, I tucked my balls for this. You can’t tell, can you?”

(His face twisted in disgust and suddenly he was speed-walking away from me. As soon as those words left my mouth, I heard hysterical laughter behind me, and when I turned back around I saw an older lady bending over because she was laughing so hard. She gave me a high five and said, “You keep up that attitude, young lady!”)

Another Name For Your Ding-Dong

| PA, USA | Romantic | July 23, 2015

(My boyfriend is British and I am American, so I often have to explain American cuisine to him. We have just eaten deep-fried Oreos on the 4th of July.)

Boyfriend: “I’ve heard of deep-fried Mars Bars. They say they’re great.”

Me: “Anything deep-fried is popular, like deep-fried Twinkies.”

Boyfriend: “What are Twinkies?”

(Before I can answer, he quips…)

Boyfriend: “Are they the sponge things filled with semen?”

Me: “…Yes.”

A Special Spot In The Sky

| Kensington, England, UK | Romantic | October 21, 2014

(It’s my wife’s and my two-year anniversary and I want to make a huge romantic gesture. I hire a skywriter to write ‘I love Agnes.’ We are walking when I point it out.)

Me: “Hey, look!”

Wife: “Oh! A skywriter!”

Me: “For you.”

Wife: “Aww! So romantic! ‘I… love… A… ACNE?”

This One Is Going To Be A Lawyer

| London, England, UK | Related | March 30, 2014

(My dad, little sister and I are walking down the street. I am 12 and she has just turned two, and has started to speak in single words.)

Sister: *reaching up arms towards Dad* “Carry!”

Dad: “Daddy’s arms are tired, honey. We’re very nearly home. Can you just walk the rest of the way?”

(My sister scowls for a moment, then her face clears.)

Sister: *reaching arms up again* “Hug!”

(My Dad of course obliges, picking her up for a hug.)

Sister: “Walk.”

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