Called Them Via God

, , , , , , | Working | November 11, 2017

(My mom is driving down the street when she witnesses a car accident. She gets out to see if the drivers are okay. [Driver #1] seems okay, but [Driver #2] seems a little dazed.)

Mom: *to [Driver #2]* “Are you okay? Would you like me to call an ambulance to have you checked out?”

Driver #1: “I’m a nurse. She’s fine.”

Mom: “We should at least call the police and file an accident report.”

Driver #1: “This is a company car. I’m a home healthcare nurse, and I’m on duty. I can’t have an accident in a company car! Don’t call the ambulance! She’s fine!”

Mom: “Okay.”

(My mom then goes back to her car and calls our church, which is nearby. She asks the church secretary to call an ambulance to come check out [Driver #2], which comes within a few minutes.)

Driver #1: “Did you call the ambulance?!”

Mom: “No, I did not.”

Accio Freckles!

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 11, 2017

(Like many redheads, I have freckles, but the darkest ones are on my arms. I’m sitting in a comic shop with my husband and some friends, waiting for the [Trading Card Game] event to start, when a guy that’s new to the area starts talking to me.)

Guy: “So… is your hair naturally red?”

Friend: “[Guy]! That’s rude!”

Me: *waving it off* “I get asked that all the time.” *to the guy* “Yeah, it is.”

Guy: “Well, then, why are your eyebrows brown?”

Me: *shrugging* “I dunno. They were nearly the same color as my hair when I was younger, but as I’ve gotten older, my hair’s gotten brighter and brighter to the point it looks closer to orange, whereas my eyebrows have gone more auburn.”

Guy: “Where are your freckles? I thought redheads had freckles?”

(Upon hearing this, my husband, who has been having a totally different conversation, grabs my arm, holds it up, and points at the freckles.)

Husband: “If she doesn’t have freckles, what are those? Chickenpox?”

Guy: *shaking his head* “No, I meant on her face.”

Me: *waving my hand in front of my face* “Yes, I do have freckles on my face. They’re just super light.”

(The guy’s eyes suddenly bug out as he stares at my face.)

Guy: *gasps* “Witchcraft! You didn’t have freckles a minute ago!”

Me: *chuckles* “Yes, I did. You just didn’t see them.”

Guy: *skeptical* “I guess.”

(He gets up and wanders away, and my husband laughs.)

Husband: “I think if you were a witch, you’d do more interesting tricks than that, right?”

Me: “D*** straight. I’d make my hair literally fiery. Like Chandra’s.”

Your Sarcasm Has Got Legs

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | November 10, 2017

(My sister is 15 and has been in a wheelchair for her entire life; her legs won’t move, no matter what. She often gets comments, or asked why she’s in a wheelchair. Fifteen years of that have infused her with pure sass, an unhealthy dose of sarcasm, and a “f***-it-all” attitude. This time we’re shopping for clothes when an old lady marches up to her.)

Lady: “Why are you in a wheelchair? You don’t need that; you’re young and have good legs.”

(My sister then drops herself out of her wheelchair with and begins dragging herself around the shop.)

Sister: “Well, guess you were not so right, after all!”

(Luckily, this time I didn’t have to explain anything to the cashier; she couldn’t breathe due to laughing, anyway.)

Mint Thins Make You Anything But

, , , , | Right | November 10, 2017

(My two friends and I are high school Girl Scouts, and we are selling cookies outside of a store.)

Me: “Hi, would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?”

Customer: “Sure… I’ll have—”

Random Lady: *walking out of the store* “YOU GUYS RUINED MY DIET!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

It Wasn’t The Summer Of Punctuality

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 10, 2017

(Mendocino County, California, is where all the hippies moved after the Summer of Love, and it is a very laid-back place. I am sitting in a restaurant and hear the woman in the next booth talking on her cell phone:)

Woman: “Okay, so I’ll see you there in an hour. Is that standard time or Mendocino time? Mendocino time? Okay, an hour and twenty minutes.”

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