Turning Water Into Milkshake

, , , | Friendly | December 29, 2018

(I’m a youth group leader at my church. My parish holds several potlucks throughout the year. One time, I am sitting with the pastor when I see one of my younger kids come by, looking very pouty.)

Me: “Hey, buddy, what’s wrong?”

Kid: “The ‘panish ladies won’t give me a milkshake!”

(Our parish is very diverse, almost like a small UN. I’m surprised that someone refused him, though.)

Me: “You said the Spanish ladies won’t let you have a milkshake?”

Kid: “Yeah!”

(He points to a table, where two Hispanic-looking women are standing, although they’re hard to spot as they’re somewhat behind a potted tree. They have a one-gallon milk jug at their table, several cups, and nothing else.)

Me: “What did they tell you?”

Kid: “They said I can’t have a milkshake until I’m twenty!”

(My pastor sits up at that. Our branch of Christianity doesn’t mind imbibing, but the pastor specifically asked for non-alcoholic drinks and food, as this is a family event.)

Pastor: “They said the milkshakes are only for grown-ups?”

Kid: “Yeah!”

(The pastor excused himself and headed over to a parish council member. After he spoke with her, the council member visited the two women. I couldn’t hear what was being said, but the council member was clearly furious, and the women looked humiliated. They quickly packed up and left. I later found out the kid had misheard “michelada,” a Mexican cocktail, as “milkshake.” The pastor didn’t shut down the potluck, but he did speak sternly at services the next weekend, reminding everyone about family versus adult events.)

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Sometimes Humanity Can Be Discouraging

, , , , | Friendly | December 27, 2018

(I am waiting for the bus while a guy plays the guitar a couple of benches down. His playing is excellent, so I fish around in my pocket as my bus arrives, gather the loose change I have, and head over to drop it into the case that he has open in front of him. As I try to do so, a woman comes sprinting over and grabs my arm, stopping me from placing the money in the case.)

Woman: *in a condescending, babyish voice* “No, no, no, no. If you do that, you’ll just encourage him.”

Me: *with the most disdainful, “You are an idiot”’ look I can muster* “That’s the point.”

(I then yanked my arm free, dropped the money in the case, and headed off to catch my bus, leaving the woman standing there looking like I’d slapped her with a dead fish.)

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Conversation So Weird You Could Just Die

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 25, 2018

(I’m sitting in a common area near the learning commons, and I end up overhearing parts of a conversation between two girls and a boy.)

Girl #1: *just arriving* “I feel better now. My migraine’s gone.”

Girl #2: “Yay!”

Boy: “Did you do the test?”

Girl #1: “No, I went home and died. It was super effective!”

(Later on, they start talking about babies and families.)

Girl #1: “My parents thought they couldn’t have children, so they adopted me. A year later, my brothers were born!”

(Later:)

Girl #2: “My mom didn’t go into labour with me; I was in fetal distress…” *blah blah* “…so if Mom had given birth to me naturally, I would’ve strangled myself on my umbilical cord!” *blah blah* “…and they had to cut my head open!”

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Hopeless, Not Homeless

, , , , , , , | Related | December 22, 2018

(There is a guy that stands near my local supermarket every day, asking people for money. I don’t really carry cash on me; I just use my card. Whenever he asks me, I just say, “No, sorry,” which is usually fine, except on this day.)

Guy: “Any change. Any spare change, ma’am?”

Me: “No, sorry.”

(As I’m walking away just loud enough for me to hear, he says…)

Guy: “F****** stuck-up b****.”

(This pisses me off. If I ever have spare change, I’d much rather give it to a busker, who’s actually doing something for their money, rather than someone who just harasses people.)

Me: *turning back to him* “Excuse me! What the h*** did you just call me?”

Guy: “You heard me. Look at you, driving a fancy car, wearing expensive clothes, but you can’t help out someone that’s struggling with a few dollars.”

Me: “Can I ask you something? How much do you make a day?”

Guy: *condescendingly* “I don’t go home without making at least $50.”

Me: “Okay. I’m guessing that you get [government pension] and you live in [government housing]?”

(He nods slowly, trying to work out where I’m going with this.)

Me: “So, you get about $900 a fortnight from [pension], and then if you make $50 a day, that’s $700 a fortnight, which totals around $1600 a fortnight. So, you’re doing better than I am. And that’s before you take into account the fact you get incredibly cheap rent, pay next to nothing for medications, and don’t pay taxes. So, even though I work, you actually make more money than I do and pay cheaper rent. So, how about helping someone struggling with a few dollars?”

(By now there are a few other shoppers, homeless people, and the security guard from the supermarket watching and listening, and people start laughing at the shocked look on his face. Someone says, “S***, I’ve been giving him money for months when he’s better off than me!”)

Guy: “What? This is bulls***! You’re nothing but a stuck-up s***. You think you’re smarter and better than me.”

Me: “Well, you’re obviously pretty smart in one way: for months, if not years, you’ve been harassing people out of their money, while doing nothing for it. But you’re right; I do think I’m better than you, simply for the fact that I work for everything I have and don’t expect people to just give me money every day.”

(I walked away and got in my car with the guy yelling obscenities at me. For the next few days, I avoided that supermarket. When I did go back, the guy was nowhere to be seen, but the security guard came up to me to tell me that after I’d left the guy had started shouting at the gathered crowd and then took a swing at the guard. He was charged with assault and threats to kill, and given a trespass order for the whole street. While I know it’s not easy not being able to work and living on a pension, it doesn’t mean you have a right to abuse people when they won’t give you money for nothing.)

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Reached My T-Total For Rich Snobs

, , , | Friendly | December 21, 2018

(I am on a cruise ship. I get on an elevator that has a teenage girl and two women in it, with one of the women looking a bit more prim and proper than the other. Based on something they say as I enter, I assume it is a girl, her mother, and her upscale aunt.)

Aunt: “So, why was your husband wearing a t-shirt?”

Mother: “Because tonight is a casual night for dinner.”

Aunt: *in a serious, almost offended tone* “T-shirts aren’t casual; t-shirts are for the poor!”

(I manage not to laugh. The door opens and they get off. As the door closes I hear the mother say, “We were just talking about your shirt…”)

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