Getting An Edge About The Hedge

, , , , | Friendly | November 6, 2017

(Back when I was a kid, we moved into a fairly nice neighborhood. There wasn’t an actual home owner’s association, but several of the neighbors liked to act like there was, and tried to tell the other residents to change things about their homes and lawns. My mom is not the kind of person to put up with that sort of thing.)

Lady: *knocks on our front door*

Mom: *opens the door* “Hello?”

Lady: “Hi! I just wanted to come by and see how you were doing. I noticed that your bushes were getting rowdy, and I was worried you’d gone and moved out on us.”

Mom: *glances at the bushes, which aren’t perfectly trimmed, but aren’t super scraggly* “Oh, well, they look fine to me.”

Lady: “Yes, well… we just want to make sure our neighborhood looks its best.”

Mom: “Yes… Well, goodbye.” *goes to shut the door*

Lady: *sticks her foot in the door and actually pushes it open* “Ah, ah, so you will be trimming those bushes, right? And maybe invest in an edger to tidy up your lawn?”

(Mom didn’t say a word, just pulled the door open all the way, then started to swing it closed, hard. The lady jumped back as the door slammed in her face, then stood making faces on the porch for a minute or so while we kids watched from the window. Eventually, she huffed off down the front path. Unfortunately, she and the others kept coming back. The door continued to be slammed in their faces.)

The Only Digging Is Into The Hole You Made Yourself

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 6, 2017

(My boyfriend and I are going out for dinner. I’m currently a full-time student, so we’re living on his salary until I finish school and start my job. The bill comes and he goes to pay it when another customer, who’s been glowering at us all this time, decides to jump in.)

Stranger: “Letting her man pay for everything! Gold-digger.”

(We both freeze, and I look over at him.)

Me: “Not that it’s really any of your business, but I’m still in school. I’ll start paying for things as soon as I start making money.”

Stranger: *mocking* “Oh, and what are you studying? Flower arranging? Interior design? You’re going to be mooching off your man forever. This is what’s wrong with the world! You need to go out and get a real job instead of being a gold-digging freeloader!”

(My boyfriend decides to jump in.)

Boyfriend: “Actually, she’s a medical student. We’re out celebrating because she just found out she got her residency at [Prestigious Local Hospital], and she’ll be starting there as soon as she finishes up her last round of rotations. Give it a few years, and she’ll making… probably four times what I do.” *laughing* “If anything, I’m the gold-digger; I’m just doing it preemptively!”

(The guy goes red and can’t make eye contact, while my boyfriend and I start affectionately arguing about whether it’s possible be a preemptively gold-digger, or whether that’s just investment in your partner’s career. When the waitress comes to collect our check a minute later, she brings us a couple slices of chocolate cake, as well.)

Boyfriend: “Oh, we didn’t order these.”

Waitress: “Yeah, I know. On the house. Congratulations on getting a good residency, and good job handling that jerk! That was the best laugh I’ve had all night.” *raising her voice just a little, and winking at us* “Some people just can’t keep their noses out of other people’s business.”

(The guy went even redder, and we both thanked her profusely. Great way to end the night!)

Ignorant Of The Driveway

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 5, 2017

(I am going to visit my uncle who lives in an assisted living complex. I am about to turn into the driveway, but there is a lady with an umbrella standing in the middle of the driveway. She sees me indicating and turning to go into the driveway but does not move. Thus, to enter the driveway, I have to manoeuvre the car around her, as to avoid her. I do and, unfortunately, my rear left tyre goes into a shallow pothole. As the pothole is not deep enough to cause any damage to the car or tyre, I drive onwards to the gate where I have to wait for the staff to open the gate to let me in. While I’m waiting, I hear a hard knock on my window; it’s the lady I had to drive around. Figuring she may want a lift, I wind down my glass, only to have her scream at me.)

Lady: “YOU SPLASHED ME AND RUINED MY PANTS!”

Me: *confused look*

Lady: “LOOK AT MY PANTS; THEY’RE RUINED!”

Me: “When did this happen?”

Lady: “When you drove up the driveway.”

Me: “Oh, you mean when the rear of the car went down in the pothole, when I drove around you to get up here?”

Lady: “YES!”

Me: “Well, next time, don’t stand in the middle of a driveway near a water-filled pothole.”

Lady: “YOU IGNORANT YOUNG BOY, MY PANTS ARE RUINED!”

Me: “Well, I’m smart enough to know not to stand in the middle of a driveway where vehicles are passing, and to wait on the pavement for a taxi rather than where you were.”

Lady: “YOU ARE BEING SO IGNORANT!”

(By the time she started her rant again, the gate had opened and I wound up my glass and drove into the complex. Seriously, people, look at your surroundings when you are waiting for transportation. Don’t stand in the middle of a driveway or entrance, move away from large puddles of water, and stay on the edge of the pavement furthest from the road. As a pedestrian, you have to think of your safety first!)

“Good Morning” – There’s An App For That

, , , , | Friendly | November 4, 2017

(I’m at the pharmacy in my doctor’s office with my mom. I’m 26, and my mom is in her late 50s. We are waiting for my name to be called, chatting and doing work on our phones, when a man who seems to be in his late 50s to mid 60s approaches us.)

Man: “Excuse me, ladies.” *sounding affronted* “You put those down now!”

Mom: “What?”

Man: “If you’re on those, then you won’t be able to say, ‘Good morning.’”

Me: “Good morning.”

(He nodded and walked off, looking smug. My mom and I shared a look. It irked us that he thought he could make insinuating comments to strangers like that, as if we were being totally frivolous and inattentive to people around us just because we were using our phones. For sure, people use them more than they should, but why does that give you the right to police others’ phone use? It was patronizing and totally weird.)

Bugging You Out

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 3, 2017

(I’m maybe ten years old. My mom and I go into a store so she can use the restroom. I’m sitting on a bench outside the restrooms, and the customer service desk is nearby. An old man comes up to me.)

Old Man: “Hey, kid.”

Me: “Umm?”

Old Man: “Do you know why you shouldn’t wear underwear from here without washing it?”

Me: “Um, no?”

Old Man: “Well, I bought underwear and wore it without washing it, and I got bugs down there.”

Me: “Okay.”

Old Man: “They make it overseas and ship it over from places like Uganda and never wash it. You know, they really should wash it, but they don’t.”

Me: *fairly terrified at this point* “Okay.”

Old Man: “So, those bugs from over there live in the cloth and then come out when you put it on.”

(At this point my mom comes out of the restroom.)

Old Man: “See that guy over there, at the customer service desk? He’s my grandson. If anything has bugs in it, you let him know.” *walks toward the desk*

Mom: “Who was that?”

Me: “I haven’t the faintest idea.”

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