Mahu Do You Think You Are?

, , , , , , , | Friendly | April 7, 2018

(My family are native Hawaiians, and we live in Hawaii. Since we work hard to keep our culture alive, it didn’t upset us when my identical twin came out to be mahu, or what other cultures would describe as transgender. While some would take hormone pills or surgery, he never does that. Instead, he feels okay with a binder, short hair, and correct clothing. While this has confused people, he has been more than happy to explain it. This happens at the beach, where the two of us decide to hang out with my female friends. Of course, one of them does get confused by my brother, so he explains it to her.)

Female Friend: “I just don’t get it. I mean, I do. But why did you guys stop believing in it?”

(Before he can explain it to her, a beach ball lands near us. He picks it up, and we see a man running up to us.)

Man: “Hey, babe, you mind throwing that here?”

Brother: *tosses the ball* “Sure thing, but I’m not a babe.”

Man: “Aw, don’t sell yourself short. Hey, how about your hot self joins my friends and me in a friendly game?”

(It’s at this point I can feel a confrontation happening, so I get up and stand right next to him.)

Me: “Hey, do you mind backing off from my brother?”

(And just like that, you can see the man’s face go from perverted to disgusted in a matter of seconds.)

Man: “That’s wrong. She doesn’t even look like a dude.”

Me: “That’s your opinion. How about you keep it to yourself?”

Brother: “I just don’t want to get any treatments. Doesn’t make me less of a man. Our culture believes in this.”

Man: “Your culture is wrong. You want to know what dictates a man or a woman? This.”

(And just like that, the man tries to touch my brother in a very personal area. I stop him by punching him before he does. He falls to the sand, and I can hear our friends behind us shrieking.)

Man: “You’re going to Hell, you know that?!”

Me: “Sorry, but we don’t believe in Hell.”

(He stomps off, and the both of us walk back to our friends. I worry about my brother being upset, but the first thing he says once we get back to our friends is:)

Brother: “And that is why we stopped believing in it.”

(We all burst out laughing, and the rest of our time at the beach was amazing.)

Barking About Parking

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 3, 2018

(I am picking up my girlfriend from her piano lesson. As I pull up to her piano teacher’s house, the car in the driveway next door starts reversing out into the street. Not wanting to get in the car’s way, I pull over to the side of the road and put the car in park. I text my girlfriend that I am here and sit down with the radio on, playing a game on my phone. After about a minute, I hear a knocking on my car window. I look out, and the car that pulled out before has reversed next to me, and a middle-aged woman has got out and is knocking on my window. I open the door a bit.)

Me: “Hi! What’s up?”

Woman: *screaming* “YOU CAN’T PARK HERE! THIS STREET IS NO PARKING!”

Me: *taken aback* “It’s okay; I’m just picking up my girlfriend.”

Woman: “WHICH HOUSE DOES SHE LIVE IN?”

(I point.)

Woman: “WELL, THEN, YOU SHOULD PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY!”

Me: “Okay.”

(She then jumps into her car and peels off down the street without another word. I check my phone; I have been stopped less than a minute at this point. I see that my girlfriend has texted me that she is coming out. Not thirty seconds later, the woman’s car comes tearing down the street at twice the speed limit, in reverse! She drives her car into the piano teacher’s driveway — blocking me off — leaps out of her car, runs up to the piano teacher’s door, and starts knocking furiously. Once the piano teacher opens the door, the woman starts screaming and cussing, mostly unintelligibly, about how I am parked illegally. By this time, I have pulled off the street into the only driveway available to me: the woman’s driveway. She sees me there, and her eyes almost bulge out of their sockets.)

Woman: “HE WASN’T PARKED THERE BEFORE! HE WAS PARKED ON THE STREET!”

Me: “I had to park here; you blocked off the driveway.”

Woman: “YOU CAN’T PARK ON THE STREET! YOU CAN’T PARK HERE! WHY DON’T YOU GO AWAY?!”

Me: *fed up* “You need to leave, right now, or I am going to call the police.”

(At that, she jumps back into her car and squeals off. My girlfriend and her piano teacher come out, looking shocked.)

Girlfriend: “What the heck was all that about? I couldn’t make sense of any of her screaming.”

Piano Teacher: “Yeah, she’s nuts. Luckily, she is almost never home. Plus, she always has her guests park on the street, sometimes for days at a time.”

Meeting Aunt Petunia

, , , , , , | Friendly | April 2, 2018

(I live in downtown, about two blocks away from our county fairgrounds. It’s Saturday night during a fair, and I have my windows open to let in the cooler air. I’m watching a Harry Potter movie. With my window open, you can see the television from the street. There’s a knock on my door. I open it to see a boy of about ten standing there.)

Me: “Um… Hello.”

Boy: “I want to watch the movie! Mom says to stay here while she goes out.”

Me: “Sorry, kid. I don’t know you. You need to go back to your mom.”

Boy: *pouts but leaves*

(Ten minutes later, there’s a pounding on my door.)

Mom: “I TOLD HIM HE COULD WATCH YOUR MOVIE! Just let him hang out here while I visit the bars! It’ll only be a couple hours.”

Me: “Lady, I don’t know you people, and you don’t know me. How do you know I’m not a child sex offender? If you want a free babysitter, call a friend or family member.”

Mom: “NO! It’s tourist season, and you all have to make us feel at home! Now, do your part and let him in!”

Me: “Yeah… No. Get out of here before I take your picture and send it to the cops. We’re a small town. They love hearing about neglected kids.”

(She scowled at me but finally left. The boy was still whining about wanting to watch my movie. There a lot of sickos out there, people! Keep an eye on your kids during big events.)

No Eggs For You!

, , , , , , | Right | April 1, 2018

(Today is the day customers come in to pick up rental Easter Bunny costumes. I’m helping a man in his mid-60s, from a church, pick up his bunny. A coworker is helping another customer pick up her bunny.)

Man: *to fellow customer* “You look like you should be picking up the Playboy version of that costume.”

(Stunned silence from the three women at the counter: the customer, my coworker, and me.)

Totally Quackers

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 30, 2018

(We love the ducks at [Theme Park]. My wife tends to call out when one is trying to get across a crowded walkway, just to give people a heads-up to watch where they are going.)

Wife: *gleefully* “Duck Crossing!”

Teenager: “Oh! Look at all the chickens!”

Wife: “Ducks.”

Teenager: *to friend* “So many chickens!”

Wife: *losing all belief in our school system* “Ducks…”

Duck: *flies two yards to avoid getting trampled, starts pecking popcorn*

Teenager: *to friend* “Did you know [Theme Park] had chickens?!”

Duck: “Quack!”

Wife: *to the duck* “I know, right?”

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