This Doesn’t Sit Well With Us At All

, , , , , , , | Friendly | August 26, 2020

I am on the train on my way home from university during the global crisis. Due to this and the fact that it is about noon in a smaller city, the carriage I am sitting in is almost completely empty. I decide that, rather than leave my laptop bag on the floor, I will place it on the seat next to me as I figure no one will want to sit there anyway.

Boy, was I wrong.

Enter an older lady. I can already tell we are going to have a problem when she gets on as she is not wearing a mask, and I can see a large crucifix on her neck. This is relevant because I am nineteen, I have tattoos and dyed blue hair, and I am wearing a mask I sewed myself. Oh, boy.

As she enters, she meets my eye and scowls, then walks towards me and decides she needs to sit right next to me, on my bag. I am very non-confrontational, but this is annoying me. She could have sat anywhere else, and I briefly worry she will break my laptop. I try to politely ask her to sit up for a moment so I can at least retrieve my bag, and she pretends she can’t understand me because of my mask. She just keeps repeating that I should remove my mask if I want to speak like a “civilised person”.

Eventually, I get fed up and just rip my bag out from under her, and I then make my biggest mistake by cursing under my breath. Suddenly, Karen can understand me perfectly and proceeds to yell at me about respect and God until my stop, despite me moving seats several times and blanking her.

The funniest part is that I volunteer at a nursing home, and I am Anglican, but I guess I don’t look like she thinks Christians should.

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Being A Jerk Is In Her Nature

, , , , , | Friendly | August 23, 2020

There is a nature preserve near my house with a path all around a lake and a floating bridge across one section of it. For a long time, it was made of wood, but in the past few years, it has been replaced with a man-made material. It is constructed of many separate sections to accommodate for shifts in water level, with ramped metal connections in between.

One day, when I’m walking the loop, I decide to take a picture of a duck that is standing no more than two feet from me, completely chill with my presence. I hear someone approaching on the bridge — the connectors unfortunately make a lot of noise when stepped on — think nothing of it, and keep snapping away.

Then, the approaching woman addresses me.

Woman: “The kids must love this, huh?”

Me: *Smiling* “Yeah, they—”

The woman SLAMS her foot on the next metal connector.

Woman: “Such a nice sound, isn’t it?”

I just stare at her, shocked, as she walks to the next one.

Woman: “Coming out here to enjoy the nature and—” *SLAM* “—scaring all the birds away!” *SLAM* “It’s just so nice, isn’t it?” *SLAM*

She proceeded to stomp on every single connector for the entire rest of the bridge, raising her knee to hip-height each time for maximum stompage, repeating her complaints to every single group on the bridge, some of which included small children that never made a peep.

Eventually, she rounded a corner behind some brush, but even a hundred feet away, I could still hear her stomping and complaining all the way back to land.

Relieved to know someone was setting such a good example for the next generation as to how they should act in nature, I turned back to my duck. For some reason, she’d flown away. How odd.

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Keep Your Germs And Your Rudeness To Yourself

, , , , , , , | Friendly | August 22, 2020

Masks are mandatory in my entire state. This particular grocery store that I was at has large, clear signs not only outside the store but throughout the entire store, and they will kick anybody out who tries to walk in without a mask or face covering. But that doesn’t stop people who try to cheat the system.

My daughter and I were at the store shopping and I saw a woman and what could have been her daughter not wearing masks. The older one was holding one in her hands and the younger one didn’t have one at all. As I passed by them, I quietly said, “You ladies need to put your masks back on.”

The older woman launched into a screaming fit about how she had some breathing ailment, and she couldn’t breathe, and I needed to mind my bleeping business.

I said, “Oh, I understand about difficulty breathing; that’s why I have one of these.” I point to my face shield.

You would have thought that I suggested she go eat feces. She turned red in the face and started screaming even louder about how they didn’t have any money, only food stamps, and on and on. I imagine the entire store could hear her rant as she was so loud.

I know how to pick my battles and refuse to fight with unreasonable people, so I just turned away. But as they were walking by, I thought, “Wait, you supposedly have this problem; what about the younger woman?” But I just let it go. 

I did happen to notice the case of beer in her cart; you can’t buy those with food stamps. Seems she had money after all. It’s all a matter of priorities, and caring about her fellow human being is lower on the list for her than beer.

It’s been my observation that those who scream and protest the loudest quite often do not have whatever ailment they claim to have. We didn’t see them again until we were leaving the store and she was screaming and cursing at somebody else. I just shook my d*** head.

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One Hot Heist

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 21, 2020

My brother has always had a temper, so it came as no surprise to me or my siblings when our mother called to tell us that he had been arrested. My parents, naturally, were shocked, given that they were in the mindset that their kids could do no wrong, but for the rest of us, the only surprise was in what actually ended up getting him arrested.

The story, as far as I can interpret through the face-saving my brother and mother tried to do, was that someone had started to leave nasty messages on my brother’s windshield, supposedly “unprovoked.” They were things along the lines of, “Your car is ugly,” “You’re a horrible person,” and, “Go kill yourself.” My brother hatched the “brilliant” plan to try and catch this person rather than doing something like telling the landlord of the apartment complex or just, you know, ignoring the juvenile notes and moving on with his life.

He parked his car, got out, and then hid himself in a tall set of bushes nearby and proceeded to sit there for several hours. In the middle of summer. In California.

Finally, one of his neighbors parked nearby and then walked over with a note that they put onto his windshield. At that point, my brother jumped out of the bushes and rushed the guy, swinging at him with a large stick he’d found in the bushes as he was crouching there. He missed, denting his own car hood, and then the guy took a swing back at him and actually hit.

They started brawling until the police showed up and they both got arrested.

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This Is So Not Tré Cool

, , , , , , , | Friendly | August 20, 2020

I am eating out, sitting in a booth, when I suddenly feel a sharp pain on top of my head. I flinch and turn to look, and I end up dodging the second swing of a spoon being held by a toddler in the next booth over. He has evidently stood up and decided that drumming on my head with a spoon would be a lot of fun.

I look at his parents; both of them are fully engrossed in their phones and are paying absolutely no attention.

The toddler swings again. I dodge and then fix him with a direct stare and a frown, before sharply shaking my head.

Me: “No, that hurts.”

The smile he has been wearing fades, and he ends up turning around and flopping down on the seat. I turn back to my meal, figuring that is the end of it, when the mother speaks up.

Mother: “How dare you?!”

I turn to see her glaring back at me.

Mother: “It’s not your place to scold my kid.”

Me: “It’s not my place to be your kid’s drum, either.”

She scoffed and actually stuck out her tongue before turning back to her phone. Meanwhile, her kid had moved on to doodling on the menu with a couple of crayons.

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