In Hospital For A Bad Case Of Lesbianism

, , , , | Friendly | December 25, 2019

(I’m on vacation and I go to the hospital because I am sick. I’m female and my hair is only one centimeter long. A patient’s sister comes to me.)

Patient’s Sister: “Hey, what kind of cancer did you have? My sister is your age and has breast cancer. The doctor has two chemotherapy treatments and we don’t know which is better. Are you familiar with [treatments]?”

Me: “Um, no. It’s better you discuss it with the doctor. I know nothing about breast cancer.”

Patient’s Sister: “Oh, okay, I guess you had a different cancer, then. Good luck with your recovery.”

Me: “No, I never had any cancer. I’m here because I have a cold.”

Patient’s Sister: “But you’re nearly bald.”

Me: “So you just assumed I had chemotherapy?”

Patient’s Sister: “Oh, I’m so sorry. Then that means you’re a lesbian.”

Me: *sigh* “Okay, yes.”

Patient’s Sister: “I understand. Sorry for the assumption, then.”

(No, I’m not a lesbian, either, but I didn’t want to argue.)

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Santa Versus Karen

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 24, 2019

(It is around the holiday season. I’m at the mall, and you can imagine that it’s pretty packed with a bunch of people doing some last-minute shopping. I am roaming around the parking lot and can’t find any free spots for a good thirty minutes. Lo and behold, I see a large SUV backing out of a parking spot. In my wimpy Civic, I turn my clicker on to signal that I’m claiming this spot. As soon as the SUV completely backs out, I swerve in fast before anyone can see the empty spot. Of course, as I’m about to turn my car off, some Karen lady comes up to me with her car right behind mine.)

The Karen: “You took my spot!”

Me: “But you were nowhere in sight when I was waiting for it!”

(She keeps yelling and I honestly don’t have time for her bulls***.)

Me: “It’s the holiday season and I’m literally going to be in and out of the store; this isn’t something to be arguing about.”

The Karen: “That wasn’t the point of coming to you! You get out of the parking spot or else I’ll call security to remove your car!”

Me: “Maybe you should call Santa and his reindeers to hitch my car out of the spot.” *locks the door and walks away*

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Happy Holidaying Isn’t A Privilege, It’s A Requirement

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 23, 2019

(I work downtown in the State Capitol. This means we get a weird mix of high-priced attorney types, lots of government employees, and homeless people. I’m leaving work to head to the parking lot. I’m wearing a funny T-shirt for the holidays with a picture of a cat destroying a Christmas tree. I see a disheveled woman heading my way pulling a suitcase. I think she may be homeless, but you never know and a smile doesn’t hurt. As I pass her, I smile and she says, “Happy Holidays.” Seeing as I passed her, I don’t reply and head for the street crossing.)

Lady: *very loud* “Excuse me!”

(Startled now, I turn to look back at her. We are now about ten feet or so apart.)

Lady: *still loud* “I said, ‘Happy Holidays’!”

Me: *shocked that this is even happening* “Happy Holidays.”

(She turned and headed down the walk, and I waited to make my missed chance to cross the street. All I could think was, “Geez, some Happy Holidays!”)

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He Will Always Be Wondering About Women

, , , , , | Friendly | December 22, 2019

(I’m in a local comic book store, shopping for my roommate for a birthday present. Unfortunately, I know NOTHING of comics, so I’m going in a bit overwhelmed. There are only a handful of people in there and I see no one at the counter, so I decide to look around a bit to try and figure everything out myself before I seek out an employee for help. I’m stopped, leafing through some Wonder Woman comics in an aisle when a guy sidles up beside me.)

Guy #1: “Wonder Woman, huh?”

Me: *surprised* “Oh! Hi, yeah. I never actually read any of these. I’ve only seen the movie.” *nervous chuckle*

Guy #1: *snorts* “Figures.”

(I’m now very much aware that one, he is definitely not an employee, two, he’s picking up that I know nothing of comics — because I just TOLD him — and three, he’s very much criticizing me for the lack of nerd-cred I posses)

Me: *curt* “Uh-huh.”

(I continue to study the comics and open one up, trying to ignore the guy who’s still just standing there, staring at me.)

Guy #1: “Do you even know Wonder Woman’s real name?”

Me: *knows, but want to get him off my back* “Nope.”

Guy #1: “Really? Wooow. How can you even consider yourself to be a fan, then?”

(I actually kind of laugh at how ridiculously stereotypical this conversation is getting.)

Me: “Never said I was a fan, dude.”

(I keep reading in a random part of the comic as he stands there, full-on turned towards me and staring. Finally, after what feels like FAR too long, he harumphs away to the other end of the aisle. I set down the comic and start making my way out, when another guy stops me.)

Guy #2: “Hey, you need any help?”

Me: “Oh, uh… Well, yes, actually. I don’t know where to start, though.”

(He’s dressed all in casual black, so I assume him to be an employee. He shows me around to the areas of my roommate’s favorite characters, recommends what comics and doodads he may like, and even makes some recommendations of what I may like. Eventually, after all is said and done, we pass by the original man I saw.)

Guy #1: “You know he doesn’t even work here, right?”

Me: “You don’t?”

Guy #2: *pointedly making eye-contact with [Guy #1]* “Nah, but I saw how that a**hole was treating you and thought I’d be better than that.”

(I swear, the look on [Guy #1]’s face was PRICELESS. It was a mix of shock, rage, dumbfoundment, and pain. It was like he was given a puppy for Christmas and it exploded into confetti in front of him. We kept walking before he could say another word, rang the service bell, and checked out together. I’ve never gone back to the store, but I stayed friends with [Guy #2] on social media. Unfortunately, my roommate already owned two out of the three things I got him, but he was able to exchange the two comics and was ecstatic about the third item, which he was originally saving up for. As for me, I’ll always treasure the memory of that one time a grown man practically had an aneurysm over being called out for being a jerk.)

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It’s F****** Christmas!

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 21, 2019

(My boyfriend and I are out in town, picking up some emergency items a few days before Christmas. There are charity volunteers all over the place collecting change.)

Volunteer: *singing loudly but in tune with a big smile on his face*

Random Woman: *as she passes him, yells* “Oh, shut the f*** up, would you?”

(I and two other passers-by react at almost the exact same time.)

Passer-By #1: “Oi! No need to be rude!”

Passer-By #2: “You shut the f*** up, love! It’s Christmas!”

Me: “Calm down, Mrs. Grinch!”

(We shared a laugh and a couple of people around popped a few coins in the guy’s bucket. Lady, I don’t know what your problem was, but don’t take it out on a guy volunteering to stand outside in freezing weather for hours to collect money for sick children!)

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