It’s Not Just Americans Who Don’t Know Anything

, , , , | Learning | June 11, 2020

I’m studying abroad and am at the first orientation for international students. Our first session had everyone together, but we are told to go to two different rooms based on if we are from a country in the EU.

I get out of my seat to leave when the guy next to me — a stranger — gives me a hopeless look.

Stranger: “I don’t know where to go.”

Me: “No problem. You go to room one if you are from the EU and room two if you’re not.”

The stranger gives me a blank stare.

Me: “The EU?”

Stranger: “…”

Me: “European Union? A blue flag with stars?”

Stranger: “…”

Me: “Never mind. Where are you from?”

Stranger: “Turkey.”

Me: “Cool, follow me.”

I thought it was an English thing, but I got to know him, and nope, he genuinely didn’t know if Turkey was in the EU or not.

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Desperate Times Call For Quick Responses

, , , , , | Friendly | June 7, 2020

During the recent health crisis, my husband has to drop off some packages at the post office. He takes our ten-month-old daughter with him since I am at work. A woman towards the front of the line sees him.

Old Lady: *To her daughter* “I can’t believe he brought a baby out during this! What is he thinking?”

Husband: “Next time, I’ll just leave her in the car!”

The woman quietly finished her transaction and avoided looking at him as she left, but the usually stern postal employee chuckled.

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Idea: Feed This Creep To The Dinosaurs

, , , , , | Friendly | June 6, 2020

During my senior year of high school, my school managed to raise money to visit an amusement park. After being pursued by dinosaurs through a particular ride, I escaped alive and decided to go get lunch.

It was a hot day — 80F, 27C — and everyone was packed inside. The balcony was largely unoccupied, as it was outside in the sun. Luckily, I managed to find a table with some shade. I sat down to eat with my tray, and a short time later, a strange older man sat down across the picnic-style table across from me.

“Um, excuse me,” I asked him. “Could you please sit somewhere else?”

He didn’t answer; he just stared at me with a creepy smile and said something in a language I didn’t understand.

“Sir, I don’t know you,” I said firmly, “and I don’t feel comfortable with sharing my table with you.”

Instead of answering, he picked up a single french fry with ketchup on it, stuck it halfway into his mouth, and started sucking the ketchup off in a disgustingly suggestive manner, never breaking eye contact.

I no longer felt obligated to be nice, so I grabbed my tray, called him a filthy creep, and stormed inside, trying to find a security officer. He followed me inside, came up behind me, put his hands on my shoulders, and said something else in his language.

I slapped his hands off of me, but before I could spew a stream of profanity at him, a woman rushed over and started berating the man in their language before dragging him away.

As he was walking away, he said, in perfect English, “But American women are supposed to be easy!” which got him a burst of rapid-fire scolding in his language.

I gave a full-body shudder and finally found a security officer to complain to. Unfortunately, by then, the man was gone and I couldn’t point him out. They promised to check the security video, look for him, and remove him from the park, before wishing me a better rest of the day.

Maybe I should have stayed and pushed harder or pressed charges or something, but in the end, I just ended up finishing my lunch and enjoying the rest of my trip. I never did see him again.

I can only wonder why he thought he could pick up… that kind of woman… in a family-friendly park.

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This Doll(y) Is Really Amping Things Up

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 4, 2020

I am on the bus one night coming home from a late class. I’m sitting along the side of the bus, opposite the courtesy seats for elderly and disabled people. There’s a middle-aged woman sitting in one of these seats opposite me. For reasons that will become apparent, we’ll call her Bus Hag.

A musician — bass guitar on his back, carrying an amp on a dolly, the whole bit — gets on the bus. He places his amp in front of an empty space, sits on it, and holds the dolly with one hand and the pole with the other. We shall call this man Ponytail Dude.

Bus Hag: “Hey, buddy, can you move that thing? I don’t want it falling on my knee.”

Ponytail Dude: “Sorry?”

Bus Hag: “The dolly. It’s going to fall and hit my legs.”

Ponytail Dude: “It’s not going to fall. I’m holding onto it.”

Bus Hag: “Look, the f****** thing is going to fall.”

Ponytail Dude: “It’s not going to fall.”

Bus Hag: “It’s f****** dangerous. It’s going to fall and break my leg.”

She is, of course, referring to the dolly, which can’t weigh more than five pounds.

Bus Hag: “You’re f****** blocking the aisle, buddy. It’s dangerous. You’re a f****** sociopath! Blocking the aisle, blocking me, you’re creating a dangerous situation.”

Passenger #1: “Shut the f*** up, lady. He’s not hurting anybody.”

Bus Hag: “Watch your f****** language, buddy. Someone better wash your mouth out.”

Passenger #1: “Wash your mouth. You’re the one swearing.”

Passenger #2: “F*** off, you old bat.”

Bus Hag: “I should wash your mouth out.”

Passenger #3: “Shut up.”

At this point, Bus Hag returns her anger to Ponytail Dude, who has said very little in the past few minutes. She pulls out her phone and — rather obviously — tries to take a photo of Ponytail Dude, but he blocks her camera.

Bus Hag: “Get your f****** hand out of my face!”

Ponytail Dude: “Don’t take my picture.”

Bus Hag: “I was checking my f****** Facebook!”

Me: “You know we can hear your camera from over here, right?”

Bus Hag: “F*** you, you little s***. I was checking my f****** Facebook.”

Me: “We heard your camera. Were you maybe taking a self-portrait of you checking Facebook? By the way, I think your duck-face needs work.”

Bus Hag: “F*** off.”

Passenger #2: “Shut up, lady.”

I turn to Ponytail Dude, regarding the amp.

Me: “Could you pick that up and just drop it on me?” *Removing my hat* “Just right here, I want to forget this whole d*** experience as soon as possible.”

Finally, Bus Hag gives up and moves to the back.

Me: “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

Passenger #1: “Hey, lady, you forgot your broomstick!”

Ponytail Dude: “Sad thing is, I’ve actually been on the bus with her before.”

Me: “I pity you, my friend. I am truly sorry for you.”

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Ambulances Are Expensive, Man!

, , , , , | Friendly | June 3, 2020

My mom is a registered nurse, currently out of employment because the rural town we live in is too far away from any good jobs and the privately-owned hospital has a poor reputation for how it treats its employees.

We hear a loud crash outside our house.

There is a motorcyclist shouting incoherently on the road in front of the house, unable to get up as he’s pinned under his bike.

Mom rushes outside while shouting at me to get the medical bin we keep in case of emergencies.

Mom: “Okay, okay, don’t move. I’m going to lift the bike off of you.”

Motorcyclist: “Just do it!”

He’s screaming and in a lot of pain. Note that he’s not wearing a helmet or any kind of protective gear.

Mom pulls the bike off him, pulling it to the side of the road as a crowd of neighbors who had been too scared to act forms.

Mom: “All right, I’m going to check you for injuries and call an ambulance.”

Motorcyclist: “No ambulance! Just call my daughter!”

Mom does just that, getting her number from the man and asking a nearby neighbor to call, and he does.

I bring out the bin, taking off the lid and handing various items to my mom as she asks for them.

In the end, the man broke some ribs and his clavicle. He was very rude to my mom, who was only trying to help, and we’re pretty sure he was intoxicated. He came back a couple of weeks later to apologize and thank her. We learned that if my mom hadn’t acted so quickly, he could have had permanent damage done to his person.

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