Pray For Ricardo

, , , , , | Friendly | November 24, 2018

(Uber is still relatively new, but already very popular. I’m visiting Washington DC with my parents for an event; my dad went ahead to get the car and is coming back to pick us up at an agreed-on street corner. Some very well-dressed older ladies attending the same event are waiting nearby, and we make small talk as we wait. One of them is using Uber for the first time, and is very excited about it. Soon my dad pulls up to get us in a white minivan.)

Lady: “That’s him! That’s our Uber driver!”

Me: “Oh, ma’am, no, that’s actually my father, come to pick us up.”

Lady: “No, this is our Uber driver! His name is Ricardo!”

Mom: *joking, not aware that the lady is serious* “No, that’s our driver!”

(The lady opens the door and starts to get in, saying:)

Lady: “Thank you, Ricardo!”

(My dad is bewildered, wondering if we offered them a ride without telling him.)

Mom: “No, really, this is our car. This is my husband; he’s not an Uber driver.”

(By this time, the first lady is in the backseat, and the other two are getting in.)

Lady: “Oh… You’re not Ricardo?”

Dad: “No, sorry!”

Lady: *very dejected* “You’re not our Uber?”

Me: “No!”

Lady: “Are you sure? Is your name Ricardo?”

(They get out, and my mom and I get in. They continue to verify that my dad is NOT their Uber driver, when we hear a man’s voice calling, “Excuse me! Did you call for a ride?”)


Ricardo: “Yes, that’s me.”

(They rushed over to Ricardo in his red minivan. The funniest thing was, my dad’s name is Richard.)

You’re Bready For Justice

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 23, 2018

(My dad and I are shopping in a local supermarket for a few items for dinner. We stop by the bakery to get a loaf of bread to have with our meal, and we see a well-dressed woman looking at the range of bread rolls available. She picks one up and squeezes it hard, driving her thumb right into the roll, effectively making it useless to anyone. She nods to herself and starts to bag up the other rolls there. Evidently, both my dad and I are outraged by this, since we both near simultaneously speak up.)

Me & Dad: “HEY!”

(The woman turns to us.)

Woman: “Yes?”

(I let my dad take charge here, since I’m likely to say something too rude.)

Dad: “How about you don’t do that? You have just destroyed that roll and are leaving it.”

Woman: “But sweetie!”

(Yes, a woman in her 60s called my dad, a man in his 50s, “sweetie.”)

Woman: “How else can I tell if it’s soft enough?”

(My dad, apparently taken aback at being called “sweetie,” pauses. I take over in the crusade for justice.)

Me: “Uh, honestly, you can tell by giving it a gentle squeeze. I mean, sure, you can ram your thumb into it like you’re giving it a prostate exam, but hey… What do I know? I only sold bread in a bakery for two years.”

(The customer was somewhat taken back by my “graphic” description of the way she treated the roll, and she silently bagged it up and walked away. My dad had gone from shocked at being called “sweetie” to trying not to laugh.)

C(h)arting Their Growth

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 22, 2018

(My husband and I, in our mid-twenties, are exiting a store with our cart. He puts his feet on the edge of the cart, and with a gleeful yell rides it down to our car. At the same moment, an elderly couple approaches the store, with the husband pushing the cart. He grins and starts running, pushing the cart ahead of him.)

Me: “They never grow up, do they?”

Elderly Woman: “No, dear, they don’t.”

The Female Form Does Not Conform

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 22, 2018

(I am at a hotel pool with some friends. A heavily pregnant woman is lounging in a chair near the pool, reading a book. She is wearing a bikini; you can see she has stretch marks on her stomach and legs, and her ankles and feet are swollen. A girl of about twenty walks by, then turns around and goes back, her face wrinkled in disgust.)

Girl: “Um, excuse me?”

Pregnant Woman: “Yes?”

Girl: “Why are you wearing a bikini? It’s kind of gross.”

Pregnant Woman: “I’m wearing a bikini because it’s summer and I want to. If you have a problem with my natural female form, feel free to f*** off.”

Not Candy-Coating Your Opinions

, , , , | Friendly | November 20, 2018

(I am browsing a clothing store together with a friend. It is winter, and I am looking for a new coat. This store is known for not always having everything folded and arranged, and during the day it can get pretty messy. It is not unusual to see single items scattered across other items.)

Me: *picks up an especially ugly-looking coat and shows to friend* “Unbelievable that someone is paying money for something like this; what was the designer thinking?”

Other Shopper: *snatches coat from my hands* “That is my coat; thanks a lot.” *storms off*

(I went beet red, mumbled an apology, and left the store as quickly as possible while my friend cracked up.)

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