Anyone Else Have “Chocolate Rain” Stuck In Their Head?

, , , , , | | Friendly | June 24, 2019

(When my brother is little, he often goes up to strangers and talks to them. We are at the park one day when he is about two, and he sees a black woman. I guess he hasn’t seen many black people before, because he runs up to her.)

Brother: “Why is your skin made of chocolate?”

(My parents are horrified and worried that she will be mad or offended. Instead, she just laughs.)

Woman: “I’ve been called a lot of things that are worse than chocolate!”

Standing Up By Sitting Down

, , , , , | | Friendly | June 22, 2019

(I am in my early 20s but have an invisible disability. It attacks my muscles and, when I’m in a crisis, makes it very hard to do ordinary things, like even standing up for long periods. I am just getting past a flare-up in my disease, and I’m out alone on a bus for the first time in ages, having a really great day. The bus is fairly full when an older lady, late 50s or early 60s, gets in. Since I’m on such a good day, I decide to offer my seat.)

Me: “Here, ma’am, you can have my seat.”

Lady: *rudely* “I should hope so. You young people have no business even standing on a bus, much less sitting. You should be walking or at least using a bike! Lazy! You’re all lazy!”

(I was gathering my things to stand, but as she begins to rant, I sit right back down.)

Lady: “What are you doing? Why aren’t you standing?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, you clearly would rather complain than sit down, so I’m giving you more reasons to do that.”

Lady: “That’s outrageous! You owe me respect! What kind of parents did you have that they didn’t teach you to respect your elders?”

Me: “Pretty good ones; they taught me to stand up for myself. And that means no bus seats for people who insult me. So, you can stand, instead, and keep complaining!”

(After complaining some more, and trying to cause a scene, she appealed to the bus driver. But since I had a disabled pass, meaning I can sit on even reserved seats, there was nothing he could do. And since everyone around heard what the woman was spouting, nobody else offered her a seat. I continued having an even better day, having hopefully taught someone to keep their mouth shut!)

Cousin To Jean Valjean And Richie Rich

, , , , | | Friendly | June 21, 2019

(I’m 16 years old and am in the Boy Scouts of America. I’ve taken a group of younger scouts with me to a school board meeting. This is a requirement for the Citizenship in the Community merit badge I’m helping them earn. As we observe the meeting, I notice that one of the board member’s nameplates says, “Bob Roberts.” During a break, I speak up.)

Me: “Excuse me, Mr. Roberts?”

Roberts: “Yes?”

Me: “Your first name, Bob… That’s short for Robert, right?”

Roberts: “Yes, very good.”

Me: “So, your name is… Robert Roberts?”

Roberts: *deadpan* “Yes, it is.”

Me: “Your parents have quite a sense of humor, don’t they?”

Roberts: “Yes, they sure did.”

Me: “Do I dare ask what your middle name is?”

Roberts: “It’s Anthony.”

Me: *a little disappointed* “Oh…”

So, It’s Just Her Short-Term Memory That’s A Problem, Then?

, , , | | Friendly | June 21, 2019

(I have taken my niece and son, both seven, out for lunch. As soon as they go to wash their hands while we wait for the food to arrive, a blonde woman, probably in her 20s, whom I have never seen before or afterward sits down at our table. She has a high voice.)

Woman: “Hey, [Someone Else]!”

Me: “Oh, my name isn’t–”

Woman: “I was thinking about what you said last night. About your earliest memory.”

Me: “Yeah, I think you might have the wrong table.”

Woman: “So, I realised my first memory was of me as a little kid; I must have been three or four or something. It was with my cousin; you’ve met my cousin.”

Me: “I don’t think I’m–”

Woman: “Remember? The one who married your cousin’s girlfriend’s roommate? Anyway, he’s like ten years older than me. He used to babysit me a lot. I really looked up to him — still do. Anyway, he–”

Me: “You have the wrong–”

Woman: “Rude! Don’t interrupt! Anyway, he used to babysit me. I must have been sad or something because he asked me what was wrong. I pointed at him. He said, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ I put my hand on his face. He said, ‘My face?’ Then, I hugged him.”

(At this point, my niece and son have come back from the bathroom. Confused and scared, they are huddled and pressing into either side of me. A man walks up to the table.)

Man: “[Woman], what are you doing here?”

Woman: “Wait… Oh, my God! I’ve got the wrong table!”

(She turned to the man and started telling him exactly what she’d told me. He turned to me and mouthed an apology.)

The Opposite Of The Hemsworth Effect

, , , , | | Friendly | June 20, 2019

(I have IBS and it means that occasionally, my stomach inflates like a balloon when I eat. Normally, it’s just uncomfortable and I get to spend a lot of time in the bathroom while no one bothers me. Other times…)

Customer: *puts her hand on my big IBS stomach* “Are you having a boy or a girl?”

Me: *deadpan* “Actually, I’m having a burrito.”

(And then I farted on command.)

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