How To Be Wrong And Then Just Dumb

, , , , | Friendly | January 23, 2019

(I’m sitting at home and get a call on my phone.)

Caller: “Hi. Can I speak to [Someone Else]?”

Me: “Oh, sorry, you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Oh.” *pause* “Well, do you know her?”

(Silence.)

Me: “You. Have. The. Wrong. Number.”

Caller: “Oh, okay.” *click*

Mother Is Full Of Tall Tales

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 22, 2019

(I’m in the supermarket with my mum. We need something; the issue is, someone — probably in head office — thought it was a good idea to start putting items UP the actual wall. It is thus out of reach for my mother, all 5’3″ of her. She turns to me, thinking that I and my 5’8″ self are going to have better luck. I have a good stab at it, but even on tippy toes with arms outstretched, it is beyond my reach.)

Me: “I think we’re going to need a member of staff, mum.”

Mum: “No! Can’t do that! They’re all so busy! Plus, you’re taller than most of them, anyway.”

Me: “They have step ladders and stools to do this. Plus, somebody got it up there, so somebody can get it down.”

(Just then, two teenagers come up to near where we are, one a bit shorter than me, the other much taller. Mum gives him a side eye. I feel the cold sense of dread form in the pit of my stomach.)

Mum: *loudly and kind of sickly sweet* “My, what lovely long limbs you have, young man!”

(The tall teenager looks appropriately petrified of this almost 60-year-old woman randomly complimenting the length of his limbs. The shorter teen looks mildly alarmed.)

Mum: “They look perfect for reaching something from a higher shelf… such as [item we need].”

(The shorter teen is showing his moral support for his friend by sniggering under his breath. The tall teen reaches up, gets the item, and hands it to my mum.)

Mum: “Thank you so much! Young people are so helpful! Come along, [My Name].” *triumphantly walks off*

Me: *to the teens* “I am so very sorry.”

Tall Teen: “I’ve been asked before, just never quite like that.”

(I could hear his friend laughing as I scurried off.)

The Price Of Flirting

, , , , , | Romantic | January 19, 2019

(I’m at a large home and garden store with my mom, buying a wedding gift for a friend. We head up to the cashier, an attractive guy around my own age. Please note that between my Asperger’s and personal issues, I have some difficulty picking up on certain social cues and whatnot.)

Sales Guy: *smiling widely* “Your total is [amount lower than I expected].”

Me: “Huh? That’s odd. I’m sorry, but are you certain that’s right? I thought it’d be closer to [actual price] with some tax.”

Mom: “Shhh!”

Me: “What? I don’t want him to get in trouble for an oversight.”

Sales Guy: *still smiling* “Nope, it’s fine; your total’s still [lower amount].”

Me: “If you’re sure…” *pays and leaves, totally baffled by the discrepancy*

(As we’re walking to our car, my mom turns to me.)

Mom: “I think that guy was flirting with you.”

Me: “Wait, seriously?!”

(I’ve never been back to that location, but whether he was just being nice or flirting, I wish I could say, “Thank you,” for the extra discount, sir, and sorry for the obliviousness!)

A Bus Full Of Knee-Jerks

, , , , , , | Legal | January 16, 2019

A few days before this story happened, I injured my knee and had to use a cane to walk for a week. I got on a bus and sat in one of the reserved seats.

A woman, maybe in her sixties, got on a few stops after me and immediately demanded that I give her my seat. I told her that I was sorry, but that I was unable to do so because of my injured knee.

The woman, as well as most of the people in the bus, thought I was lying, even when I showed my cane. I received some very rude comments from the people in the bus, but I tried to ignore them and pointed out that it would be quite stupid for me to go out with a cane and pretend that I was injured just to avoid giving my seat.

A middle-aged man, who was with the woman, got angry and lifted me from my seat. Without my cane, I couldn’t stand on my own and immediately fell to the floor.

That was the moment that everyone realised I was not lying. The bus stopped, but the driver wouldn’t let anyone off. I was furious; not only had I been taken for a liar, but I had hurt my chin and hit my injured knee during the fall, so I ignored their apologies and called the police on them. They were livid, and they offered me money not to call the police on them, but I was so angry, I still called them.

I had to get stitches in my chin and had to use the cane for an extra week.

Long story short: the woman was not charged, but the man was, and he had to spend a few months in prison.

That’s The Tall And The Short Of It

, , , , , | Friendly | January 13, 2019

(My 6’7”, male friend is a very intelligent engineer but is very oblivious to common sense and socially acceptable, appropriate, and expected behaviors. He asks me to go to the grocery store with him to help him get ripe produce — i.e. show him how to pick out good fruit and vegetables. We are rounding a corner to an aisle when I notice that a very short woman, maybe three and a half feet tall, is scaling the shelf and about halfway up the rack. My friend, being a southern gentleman, says, “Here! Let me help you!” and tries to grab what she is attempting to reach on the higher shelf. She snaps:)

Woman: “No! I will get it myself!”

(I watch in absolute shock and horror as he puts a hand on each side of her waist and lifts her up. She turns to look at him, slack-jawed, as she grabs the box of cereal. As he is setting her down, I profusely apologize as well as chastising him about not grabbing strange women, especially not picking them up! He immediately realizes something is amiss and sputters out:)

Friend: “But she said she wanted to get it herself!”

Me: “Then let her get it! You don’t pick random people up!”

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