They Own The Building And Your Lives

, , , , | Friendly | December 27, 2019

(My family and I are at a parade, walking in an area blocked off from cars. We see a car turn in so I grab my youngest sister and she gets mad.)

Me: *loud enough for the driver to hear* “Sorry, sis, someone is turning in where they aren’t supposed to. I had to get you out of the road.”

Driver: “Well, I own this building! And I have permission to be here. Because I own this building!”

Mom: “But that doesn’t give you the right to run over whoever you want.”

Driver: “I was just trying to get to my building that I own!’

Dad: “At the expense of my family?”

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Influencer, Or Under The Influence?

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 26, 2019

(I’m browsing at a boutique that carries a bunch of brands that are popular with models and influencers. I’m a big fan of one these brands that creates stunning clothes, but they’re fairly pricey so I rarely buy, and only when they’re on sale. Still, I treasure the items I do get, like the dress I am actually wearing today to the boutique. It was part of their collection two years ago, so it’s not sold at the store anymore. While I’m looking at a couple of dresses, I feel a hand grab me from behind. I whip around and see a statuesque woman staring at my dress.)

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “That’s the [dress] dress! I wanted to get that, but it’s been sold out everywhere for ages. I’m so happy I finally found it.”

Me: “I don’t think they sell this here anymore. I’m sorry.”

Woman: “What do you mean? This looks like my size.”

Me: “What?”

Woman: “I’m an influencer, see? I need to have clothes that are both sexy and pretty. This dress is perfect!”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you. You should ask a salesperson to help you.”

Woman: “I don’t need someone else to help me. This is what I want; it’d be perfect for my new Instagram post. I want to try on this dress now!”

Me: *incredulous at this point* “This is my dress. Now, please leave me alone.”

(I try to leave, but she’s blocking my way and I’m essentially backed up against the rack.)

Woman: *screeching now* “Why won’t you give me the dress?! Call your manager now!”

Me: “I don’t work here, and this is my dress. Now, get out of the way.”

Woman: “YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME THE DRESS! I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR IT! I’LL GET YOU FIRED, B****!”

(Having had enough of this, I try to push past her. She yanks at my dress as I’m leaving.)

Me: “GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!”

Woman: “THIS IS MINE! A girl like you doesn’t deserve a dress this beautiful! I’ll do it justice!”

(I’m just panicking completely. I’m very close to tears and this woman just won’t let go of me.)

Me: “GET AWAY FROM ME!”

(She kept grabbing the dress and I tried to push her away. Suddenly, I heard a loud rip. She’d ripped off a sleeve, causing the front of the dress to fall down, essentially exposing my chest to an entire store full of people. I grabbed the front and burst into tears. I sat on the ground sobbing and I saw a store employee wrangle the woman away, while another came over to put a large wrap around me. The employee comforted me while we waited for the police. The woman was arrested when the police came, and she still kept screaming at me. I did press charges, but it didn’t really do much. She eventually got some community service for what she did, while I was left with the ruins of my favorite dress and the memory of being completely manhandled with my breasts on display for everyone to see.)

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Trying To Be A Sly Dog

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 26, 2019

(I’m killing time at a library computer, mostly looking at pictures of cute animals on Instagram while listening to music. The guy next to me signals to get my attention.)

Me: *takes out one earbud* “Can I help you?”

Guy: “I see you’re looking at pictures of Dobermans. I can tell you all about the breed, you know.”

Me: *pause* “These are dachshunds.”

(If you’re going to pass yourself off as an expert to impress women at public libraries, maybe pick something you actually do know about.)

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In Hospital For A Bad Case Of Lesbianism

, , , , | Friendly | December 25, 2019

(I’m on vacation and I go to the hospital because I am sick. I’m female and my hair is only one centimeter long. A patient’s sister comes to me.)

Patient’s Sister: “Hey, what kind of cancer did you have? My sister is your age and has breast cancer. The doctor has two chemotherapy treatments and we don’t know which is better. Are you familiar with [treatments]?”

Me: “Um, no. It’s better you discuss it with the doctor. I know nothing about breast cancer.”

Patient’s Sister: “Oh, okay, I guess you had a different cancer, then. Good luck with your recovery.”

Me: “No, I never had any cancer. I’m here because I have a cold.”

Patient’s Sister: “But you’re nearly bald.”

Me: “So you just assumed I had chemotherapy?”

Patient’s Sister: “Oh, I’m so sorry. Then that means you’re a lesbian.”

Me: *sigh* “Okay, yes.”

Patient’s Sister: “I understand. Sorry for the assumption, then.”

(No, I’m not a lesbian, either, but I didn’t want to argue.)

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Santa Versus Karen

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 24, 2019

(It is around the holiday season. I’m at the mall, and you can imagine that it’s pretty packed with a bunch of people doing some last-minute shopping. I am roaming around the parking lot and can’t find any free spots for a good thirty minutes. Lo and behold, I see a large SUV backing out of a parking spot. In my wimpy Civic, I turn my clicker on to signal that I’m claiming this spot. As soon as the SUV completely backs out, I swerve in fast before anyone can see the empty spot. Of course, as I’m about to turn my car off, some Karen lady comes up to me with her car right behind mine.)

The Karen: “You took my spot!”

Me: “But you were nowhere in sight when I was waiting for it!”

(She keeps yelling and I honestly don’t have time for her bulls***.)

Me: “It’s the holiday season and I’m literally going to be in and out of the store; this isn’t something to be arguing about.”

The Karen: “That wasn’t the point of coming to you! You get out of the parking spot or else I’ll call security to remove your car!”

Me: “Maybe you should call Santa and his reindeers to hitch my car out of the spot.” *locks the door and walks away*

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