Stealing Is Not Her Bag

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 1, 2019

(My friend and I are shoe shopping. It’s a weekend so the shop is a bit busy. I sit down to try some on, putting my handbag just underneath my seat. As I am trying on shoes, I am vaguely aware of someone on the bench next to me also trying something on. I finish and get up to gather my things and my handbag is gone. I go into a complete panic, grab my friend, and tell her my bag has been stolen.)

Me: “What do I do? Do I call the police or centre management? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

(At that very moment, I notice another woman still wandering around the shop, looking at shoes, carrying my bag in one hand and her own in another.)

Me: “Hey! Give me my bag!”

Lady: *looks down* “Oh! Sorry, I thought it was my mine.” *casually hands it back to me and goes back to her blissfully vacant browsing*

(Although enormously relieved, I cannot fathom what just went on there. Did she think she came with two handbags and just happened to have an identical one to mine which she mistook for hers? Did she try to steal mine and think, rather than running off, she should continue shopping? What?)

Boy, Were They Wrong!

, , , , , , , | | Romantic | April 30, 2019

(I recently moved to the city from my hometown in the midwest for my new job. A small group of my new coworkers has taken me out to their favorite bar in an effort to welcome me. I’m telling everyone a little bit about of myself when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around and see a man I’ve never met before.)

Me: *confused* “Hello… Can I help you?”

Guy: “[My Name]? Is that really you? You look great!”

(Everyone is looking at me with puzzled looks on their faces. I honestly have no idea who this guy is, but I don’t want to be rude, either.)

Me: “I’m really sorry, but I’m not honestly recognizing who you are. Mind giving me a hint?”

Guy: “Oh, that hurts. It’s me, [Name Which Happens To Be Gender-Neutral], from high school.”

Me: *with a polite smile* “I’m sorry, but I think you must have me confused with someone else. I just moved to this area and I’m pretty sure we didn’t go to the same high school.”

Guy: “No, no, I remember you. You were pretty cute then, but d***, you’re hot now. Wish I made a better effort to get to know you better if this was how you were going to turn out.”

(He laughs it off as it’s not a big deal and tries to put his arm around me like we’re buddies. I’m getting a bit annoyed, but I simply just smile, instead.)

Me: “You said your name is [Gender-Neutral Name], right? Did you go by the same name back then?”

Guy: *a bit confused* “Well, my friends and I had nicknames for each other, but that’s what the teachers called me.”

Me: “You know what? I think it’s starting to come back to me. I remember someone named [His Name] at my school.”

Guy: “I knew you’d remember.”

Me: *with as much honesty and goodness I can muster* “Got to say I hardly recognized you. I mean, we all knew back then how uncomfortable you felt in your own skin, constantly saying you were a guy trapped in a girl’s body. I really felt bad about all the grief you got from the principal about wanting to attend prom in a tux rather than a dress, despite our entire class standing up for you. But I got to say you look amazing now – you’ve transitioned so well!”

Guy: *with a look of utter disgust and shouting* “What the f*** are you talking about? I ain’t no [homophobic slur]. I’m a real man!”

(With that, he leaves my table and me alone, with the entire table looking at me in utter confusion.)

Me: “Another fun fact about me is that I attended an all-girls high school for all four years — no boys allowed. So, when guys try that lame pick-up, it’s super easy to shoot them down.”  

(They all started cracking up. I was an instant member of their group from that point forward, and it made the transition to a new city much easier.)

Harry Potter And The Half-Ripped Shoe

, , , , | Friendly | April 30, 2019

(I am waiting for the midnight premiere of “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” I am over an hour early and it is already very crowded, but the staff won’t unlock the doors until 11:30 pm. An employee comes to unlock the door and there’s a woman close to the entrance.)

Woman: “Be careful; I’m pregnant.”

(As soon as the doors open, I run in with the crowd, pushing into the pregnant woman. While I am running in, someone steps on the back of my flip flop and rips it. After I find my seat, I go to buy snacks, and I apologize to the woman.)

Me: “I’m sorry. I got excited and I wasn’t thinking. If it makes you feel any better…” *shows her my ripped shoe*

Woman: “A little.”

(I don’t go to midnight premieres anymore. I always wait a few days so it’s not so crowded.)

Will Not Graduate To A Cigar

, , , , , | Friendly | April 29, 2019

(I have just graduated from college and I am home alone. Someone is at the door, so I answer it. Judging by the way he is dressed, he is a priest or pastor. I haven’t gone to church since I was 12, so I don’t know him.)

Pastor: “I’m here to congratulate you on graduation.”

Me: “Okay, thanks.”

(He looks at me and I look at him. Nothing happens, A few moments of awkward silence pass.)

Pastor: “I have other people to see. Bye.”

Me: “Bye.”

(Later when my parents are home again, I mention this strange encounter.)

Mom: “You didn’t invite him in?”

Me: “No, why should I do that?”

Dad: *laughing* “That’s why he came here.”

(My dad explained that it was the pastor who would always visit people on special occasions like birth, baptism, marriage, anniversary, or graduation expecting that people would ask him in and offer him a cigar and perhaps a few glasses of brandy. This time he wasn’t even close to a cigar.)

They Will Try Again And Pagan And Again

, , , , , | Friendly | April 29, 2019

(I am at home reading when the doorbell rings. Recently, I’ve had a lot of religious people coming by. I’ve tried a number of different ways, but this response takes the cake.)

Religious Person: “Hello! Have you thought about joining [Church]?”

Me: “Sorry, I’m Pagan.”

Religious Person: “We can work with that!”

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