(I’m riding a subway and working on a crossword puzzle one day when an elderly woman carrying a Bible sits down in the seat across from me. After a moment or two of staring at me, she points at my T-shirt, a collage of AC/DC album covers.)

Elderly Woman: “You listen to rock music, young man?”

Me: “Yes.”

(She then points at my crossword puzzle.)

Elderly Woman: “And you’re left-handed!”

Me: “So?”

Elderly Woman: “You’re going to the 12th circle of Hell, young man!”

Me: “I’ve read ‘The Divine Comedy.’ There are only nine circles, according to Dante. So apparently, I’m getting my own private home in Hell? Thanks!”

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(I’m taking my cat to the vet in a carrier. I don’t have a car, so I’m taking the streetcar; it’s mostly empty except for an older woman.)

Older Woman: “You go to vet?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s time for my girl’s checkup.”

Older Woman: “May I see?”

Me: “Sure.”

Older Woman: *pets my cat* “Oh, such soft fur. What dog?”

Me: “Oh, she’s not a dog. She’s a cat.”

Older Woman: “Rare to see such soft dog. Good brushing!”

Me: “Again, thank you, but she’s a cat.”

Older Woman: “And well behaved! Dogs bark!”

Cat: “Meow!”

Older Woman: “You and dog have good day!”

Me: *to my cat* “Sorry, girl, but you’re a dog today.”

(After a weekend vacation camping with my husband, I wake up with a bad allergic reaction that swells me up and covers me with hives. It’s so bad that my tongue has even swollen up and my eyes are squinted nearly shut. We’re sitting at the hospital waiting room and waiting to be called when a lady comes in and notices me.)

Woman: “Oh, my God! What happened to you? Did you get hit by bees?”

Husband: “We went camping this weekend, so we think something in the woods got on her clothes and gave her a bad allergic reaction.”

Woman: “And you’re all covered with bumps, too. Oh, my God! Is she mute, too?”

Husband: “No, she can talk, but her throat is hurting her and her tongue is swollen.”

(I even open my mouth to show her.)

Woman: *freaked out* “Oh, my God! She looks like a raspberry. Why haven’t you taken her to the doctor before now? She looks horrible!”

Husband: “Um…” *looks around the emergency room* “Well, it just happened this morning when she woke up. If it gets too severe, I’m sure the nurses will come out and give her an epi-shot or something.”

Woman: “I hope they do. I can’t imagine going anywhere outside looking that bloated and blotchy. Don’t worry, honey; I’m sure you don’t look that bad when you look normal!”

(As she says this, the woman pats my knee cautiously, like I’m going to give her some infection.)

Woman: “Just… oh, my God!”

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(I’m shopping with my four-month-old daughter when we have an encounter with another customer. Usually, when someone compliments her, I thank them since she can’t, and I feel it’s only polite.)

Customer: “So beautiful!”

Me: “Thank you.”

Customer: “No, I meant her.”

Me: *pause* “I know…”

(I am a student, and I babysit for money. On Mondays, I take the little boy I watch to the playground for a few hours and helicopter around him in case he hurts himself. A mother at the park approaches me.)

Mother: “You know, I just want to tell you: I see you here every Monday and I think it’s just great that you are such a hands-on young mother.”

Me: “Oh! I’m not his mother! I’m just his babysitter. But thank you anyway!”

Mother: “Sweetie, you don’t need to be embarrassed! You should embrace being a great mom, especially at such a young age. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you as a single mom in your early 20s!”

Me: “Uhm, really, I am not his mother. I am just his babysitter. But I’m flattered you think I am doing a great job caring for him!”

(The mother walks away to the sandbox area, where other mothers are sitting just within earshot.)

Mother: “You ladies will not believe this! That girl over there is trying to claim that that baby is not hers! Some people! I wonder if her parents have brainwashed her into thinking it’s their baby. There are some really crazy people out there, huh?”

Related:
Ah, Mothers, Part 7
Ah, Mothers, Part 6
Ah, Mothers, Part 5
Ah, Mothers, Part 4
Ah, Mothers, Part 3

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