My mother is overweight, just enough to make your average public transportation uncomfortable. We booked a flight together and purchased all three seats in one row so that she had space. I took the aisle seat, and she sat by the window. While everyone was boarding, a woman came up.

Woman: “Is anyone sitting in the middle there?”

Mom: “No, we—”

Woman: “Oh, okay! Can you move so I can have the aisle here?” *She starts stepping in like I’m already moving.* “Uh…?”

Mom: “We bought the row for the extra space, actually.”

Woman: “Well, see, I’m in the middle back there by the toilets between these two other, uh, big people—” *She glanced at my mom.* “And—”

Me: “F*** off.”

Woman: “What?!”

Mom: “[My Name]…”

Me: “You asked. We said no. You pushed. Now you can f*** off.”

She flags down one of the flight attendants and tries to force us to give her the seat. I show the attendant that we purchased all three seats and restate that we are not interested in moving. The flight attendant shrugs apologetically and tells the woman:

Flight Attendant: “There is nothing I can do.”

The woman retreats to her seat at the back of the plane. When we landed, the woman shot up the aisle and stood right in front of our row, making sure everyone in front of us was on their way out before we got up.

I guess she thought this was some kind of vindication for not giving up our space, but all it did was allow me to stand as close as humanly possible while she held up the people behind her. She kept glaring over her shoulder but didn’t say anything or move.

I’m holding my toddler in one arm, trying to order food from the self-service kiosk. Another customer is taking forever on the other kiosk and blocking the open one with her cart.

Daughter: *Excited.* “Daddy, daddy! I want pizza!”

Me: “Sorry, baby, we have to wait to buy it first.”

Another customer comes up.

Other Customer: “Hey, are you going to order next?”

Me: “Yeah, just trying to get up to the screen.”

Other Customer: “Blocked, isn’t it?”

Me: “I tried asking and moving the cart, and she pulled it right back.”

Other Customer: “Oh, really, I can be a b**** right back!”

She pulls the cart away and gestures for me to go to the screen.

Daughter: “Yay, Daddy, buy me pizza!”

The old woman looks shocked, but rushes to finish. And her cart was only a foot further back. 

Thanks, lady, wherever you are.

A friend and I are waiting at a bus stop, talking about the day we both had at work that day.

Me: “…She’s the goated rep in the sales department and the one to beat.”

A stranger at the bus stop next to us, an older lady, throws her hands up in the air and looks at us.

Stranger: “Ugh, stop making up words!”

My friend and I both turn to the stranger.

Me: “Pardon me?”

Stranger: “You young people and your annoying slang! It’s juvenile! Goated is not a word!”

Me: “I could make up words all day, what business is that of yours?”

Stranger: “You’re talking loudly at a bus stop and forcing me to hear your junk talk!”

My friend has opened his phone and is now showing a screen on his Merriam-Webster dictionary app.

Friend: “Goated is a word, as recognized by the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Language evolves, lady.”

Stranger: “Ugh, even the dictionary is being ruined by your generation!”

Me: “Okay, well, we’re going to go back to our conversation now.”

Stranger: “And a stupid conversation it is, too!”

My friend has opened something else on his phone and holds it out to the stranger.

Friend: “Can you read that?”

Stranger: *Squinting.* “What’s that crap?”

Friend: “That’s Beowulf. A poem from over a thousand years ago… written in English. At least, that is what English looked like at the time.”

The stranger looks at the first line, “Hwæt. We Gardena in geardagum,” and rolls her eyes.

Stranger: “You wouldn’t be so smart if you didn’t always use your phone.”

Friend: “Yes, but I do know how to use my words, old and new.”

The stranger just harrumphed, and we continued our conversation, maybe a little louder this time, and I might have thrown in the occasional ‘skibidi’ for good measure just to p*** off the crazy stranger, even though I have no idea what it means…

I lost my foot in an accident a few years back and have been using a prosthetic foot since then. I wear a running blade while out running. While that does draw some looks, it also makes me feel a little like a cyborg.

I got some crazy phantom itches while running last summer (my brain decided to pretend that my lost foot was really itchy), so I had to sit down at a park bench and take off my blade to take care of the stump.

A nearby picnic, consisting of a few kids and their mothers, gave me some funny looks, but I ignored them until I heard them talk about me. They did try to keep their voices down, but I am sharp of hearing and had too little else to focus on.

Kid #1: *Roughly eight years old.* “Mom, why does that man only have one foot?”

Mom #1: “I don’t know. We can ask him if you want.”

Mom #2: “No, don’t do that. I know why he’s without a foot.”

Mom #1: “You know him?” 

Mom #2: “No, but I know what happened to him. You see, that man didn’t drink his milk, so his foot fell off.”

Kid #2: *Roughly six years old.* “What? Really?” 

Mom #1: “What the fu…dge?”*

Kid #1: “That can happen?”

Mom #2: “Yes! And he’s probably very ashamed. He did something bad, that’s why you shouldn’t ask him because he’ll feel even worse.”

Kid #3: *Maybe five years old, to [Mom #1].* “Mom, is this really true?”

Mom #1: *Obvious annoyance.* “Well, I have never heard of it before.”

Mom #2: “And now you all know.” 

Kid #2: *Scared.* “I’ll always drink my milk! I promise!”

Mom #2: “Good, you should. And that’s always why people are in wheelchairs or have lost limbs; they didn’t do what their moms told them.”

The other mom obviously disagreed, but didn’t seem to want to call out their friend. I know from experience that calling her out or causing a scene would not make anything better, so I didn’t do anything.

A while passed and [Mom #2] took her kid to the public bathroom, not long after the itches randomly stopped. [Mom #1] quickly came up to me with [Kids #1 and #3]:

Mom #1: “Excuse me, may we ask a question?”

Me: “Yes?”

Kid #1: *Nudged by his mom.* “Why do you only have one foot?”

Mom: “If you’re okay with answering, that is.”

Me: “Oh, I was in an accident and got injured. My foot got really hurt, and the doctors couldn’t fix it, so they made me a new one.”

Kid #1: “So… you didn’t do anything wrong to lose your foot?”

Me: “No, I was just very unlucky. Someone else had drunk a lot of beer before driving, which is really bad, and they hit me with their car. But I could have gotten hurt waaaay worse so I’m lucky in a way.” 

Kid #1: “Does it hurt?”

Me: “Not anymore, but sometimes I have to take care of it as I do now. A foot made of meat and bones is better to have, but if you lose one, the doctors can just make a new one. I even have different feet for different occasions. This is a running foot, but I mostly use my walking foot, which looks like a normal foot.”

Kid #3: “Do you have a pirate leg?”

Me: “No, but I could get one if I wanted. But I don’t get invited to enough costume parties for it to be worth it; they are expensive.”

Kid #1: “What is your foot made of?”

Me: “Carbon fiber and aluminium, the things they make space ships from!”

Kid #3: “Wow, a space foot!”

Mom #1: *Looks at the public bathroom.* “I think that’s enough. Thank you for answering. Now, what do we say?”

Kids: “Thank you!”

Me: “You’re welcome, and thank you for asking me instead of making assumptions. I’m going to put my foot back on now and go home. Have a nice day!”

[Kid #1] wanted to watch while I put my foot back on, which I agreed to but his mom seemed stressed about. He was very interested and polite, and I answered his million-billion questions about how prosthetics work.

When I set off running again, I saw that the other mom and her kid had returned. I heard a loud argument building between the moms.

When I ran through the park the week after I saw [Mom #1] and her kids without [Mom #2]. I said hi, got pulled into small talk by more questions from [Kid #1], got a spare juice box, and sat down for more small talk. It escalated to a friendship with regular visits for coffee. The mom told me that the incident was the last straw in an increasingly weird relationship and was very glad that I didn’t help her hide that she and her kids had talked with me. 

The kids soon decided that my blade needed some drawings on it, and now my blade sports flames and dinos (on paper taped to it, the carbon fiber can’t be easily drawn on with a felt-tip pen). I know I run faster with them on.

*Original Swedish: “Vad i hel…skotta?”

I was recently reminded of a time I nearly got myself in trouble

I was at my local zoo with the family, and as wifey went off to get us all a bite to eat, I was watching kiddo play in the playpark. A woman came up to me, and she seemed pleasant enough, and asked me:

Woman: “So… which one’s yours then?”

Me: “Dunno, haven’t decided yet.”

THANKFULLY, at that moment, the kiddo runs up and goes:

My Kid: “Daddy, did you see…”

The woman looked at me with concern, and I made a mental note to be VERY careful with my dark humour around strangers.