“Shut Up!”… Good One

, , , , , | | Friendly | July 4, 2019

(My friend — a rather tattooed and pierced young woman — and I have stopped to pick up some food on our way home from shopping. We’ve ordered and are sitting patiently waiting for our order to be called out. Both members of staff are in the back making our food. The door opens and a schoolgirl walks in, wearing her school uniform half unbuttoned, her hair in a beehive tied with a leopard-print scarf, and a “Monroe” piercing.)

Schoolgirl: “Hey! How much is a steak burger? Hello! Hello! How much is a steak burger?! I want a steak burger!”

(One staff member comes to the counter to take her order. She seems satisfied until she spots me and my friend. At this point, about five of her friends have come in, as well, despite the fact that only one of them is ordering anything.)

Schoolgirl: “Oh, my God! You seem them tattoos! They’re nasty. That skank is going to regret those when she gets old. What is she wearing? She’s got some big-a** chunky boots on. Look at that thing in her ear! It looks like a snail.”

(My friend is wearing a pretty big ear stretcher. She’s sitting there, trying not to take any notice, but the girl just won’t let up.)

Schoolgirl: “Eww. She looks like Shrek! She looks like a devil! God hates people like her! I should slap her across the face with a Bible! Jack the Ripper would come back from the dead and kill you! He likes girls like you! You’re f****** trash! Do you live in a trailer?”

(I’m fuming by this point. It’s taking everything I can not to get up and slap her around the face. I’m not a violent person by any stretch, but I can see how much it’s getting to my friend. The girl then decides to start on me. I’m average looking. I’m wearing plain clothes and glasses and I have long, red hair.)

Schoolgirl: “Yeah, look at that other one! She’s got glasses like Velma. She looks like she’s from Scooby-Doo! Oi, you want a Scooby Snack? Where’s Shaggy? Is he your boyfriend? Where’s Fred? Bet he’s your boyfriend! She’s ginger like Daphne, innit?”

Me: “Why don’t you shut up and keep your opinions to yourself?”

Schoolgirl: “Oh, my God! She even sounds like Velma! Why don’t you shut up?!”

Me: “I’m not the one who walked in and started throwing my pathetic opinions around!”

Schoolgirl: “Shut up!”

Me: “No, you shut your foul little mouth. I’m not the one still in school who can find nothing better to do than drag all of my friends into one fried chicken shop to buy a single burger and harass anyone that looks slightly different from me. Your insults are juvenile and pathetic. And if you want to talk about poor appearances, then perhaps you should rethink that disgusting beehive of yours and take that piercing out of your fat mouth.”

(We collected our food and left whilst the girl was still screaming at me to “shut up.”)

It’s A Small World After All

, , , , | | Friendly | July 4, 2019

(My last name is rare for my home area, and almost non-existent outside of it, due to going through at least five different spellings since my ancestors arrived through Ellis Island. For the sake of argument, I’ll just say it’s Krueger. I’ve arrived in Dublin for the first time ever and am checking into my hostel. I show the guy manning the desk my passport to verify my reservation. He checks me in, and then stares hard at my passport.)

Guy: *in a Midwest accent* “[My Name] Krueger? Are you related to [Female Name] Krueger, from [My Town], Wisconsin?”

Me: “Yeah… that’s my older sister.”

Guy: *laughing* “I dated her for a couple of months when I was living in [Town five miles away from my town] back in middle school.”

(My family and I have always joked that my very social sister has contacts all over the world, but this is getting ridiculous!)

Press The Button, Wait For The Comeback  

, , , , , , | | Friendly | July 3, 2019

(This happens inside an upscale supermarket attached to an assisted care facility. I am waiting for the elevator on my way to the coffee shop on the second floor.)

Old Woman: “You don’t live here, do you?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Old Woman: “The stairs are right over there.”

Me: “So I noticed.”

Old Woman: “So, why aren’t you taking them?”

Me: “Because I don’t feel like it.”

Old Woman: “These elevators are for the people who really need them!”

Me: “I’m awaiting hip-replacement surgery. Is that needy enough for you? By the way, are these your elevators?”

Old Woman: “Well, no…”

Me: “GOOD!” 

(I get on the elevator, push the button, and say, as the doors are closing…)

Me: “This one is mine! Yours will be along in a second. Bye!”

Because Pushing Tires Would Be Silly

, , , , | | Friendly | July 3, 2019

(I’m following a father and son into a nearby mall. I assume they are not Canadian after the following happens. There’s a bilingual sticker on the door in English and French saying, “Pull/Tirez.”)

Son: “Dad, why does it say, ‘Pull tires,’ on the door?”

Father: “I don’t know. They just do things strange up here.”

This Kind Of Parenting Is Not To Be Sneezed At  

, , , , , , | | Friendly | July 2, 2019

I’m in the store shopping when I stop to tie my shoe. When I look up to stand back up, there is a child staring at me, standing within spitting distance. She looks sickly, so I’m about to ask her if she needs help, when she very suddenly and violently sneezes directly into my open eyes and all over the rest of my face. I look like Bill Murray in Ghostbusters when he got slimed, but only on my face. The kid runs off, and I’m left gagging.

I then later got pink eye in both eyes and a bad case of strep throat. Thanks, kid. And thanks, mom, for bringing your sick kid into the store.

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