Some People Will Make Ice Cream Out Of ANYTHING

, , , , , | Friendly | April 19, 2021

I am on a bus waiting to take me back to my cruise ship when a very sophisticated European lady sits down with an ice cream cone. A very southern lady from the USA is seated behind her.

American Lady: “That ice cream cone looks sooo good! What kind is it?

The European lady answers in a heavy accent.

European Lady: “Mango.”

The southern lady looks very shocked as she repeats what she thinks she heard.

American Lady: “Mountain goat?!”

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Eerie But Effective

, , , , , , | Learning | CREDIT: fedupkat | April 16, 2021

My friend and I are both about nineteen or twenty years old in the early 1980s. [Friend] is blind — she had ocular melanoma — so she has an advocate who goes everywhere with her on the university campus. They make sure she makes it safely to and from each of her classes and assist her with test-taking, etc. We meet when [Friend] walks by my table in the Student Union Hall, bumps my coffee, and spills it all over both of us. We’ve been friends ever since.

Because my friend lives off-campus with her parents and I live in an off-campus apartment a few blocks away, I drive every day to school. We coordinate our class schedules so that I can drop her off with her advocate in the morning and in the afternoon, the advocate brings her to me and I take her home.

One semester, [Friend]’s last class on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday ends an hour before mine. Normally, her advocate hangs out with her in the Student Union Hall to wait for me. Some Fridays, [Friend] insists that the advocate bring her to the building where I have class to wait for me there — closer to where I parked the car — and the advocate can go home a little early. I always take the same route out of the building and know to be on the lookout for her.

Today, [Friend] is in her usual spot in the lobby. She is sitting on the floor — there are no seats — with her back against the wall, her cane folded beside her, tinted glasses on, and appearing to stare straight ahead. To her left are the lobby doors, about thirty feet away.

She’s been sitting there for maybe fifty or fifty-five minutes when she hears what sounds like squeaky wheels rolling over the floor. She doesn’t bother to call out and just thinks it’s maybe the janitorial staff with those mop buckets on wheels getting an early start on mopping. Then, she hears someone push the panic bar on one of the lobby’s double doors and the wheels banging over the metal threshold. A moment later, a woman’s voice fills the empty lobby.

Woman: “What the h*** is wrong with you young people? Never in my life have I seen so many inconsiderate brats.”

Friend: “I’m sorry?”

Woman: “And you should be, young lady. You could see that I needed help with this hand truck, but you just sat there and did absolutely nothing. Didn’t anyone teach you manners?”

Friend: “I didn’t see you.”

Woman: “How could you not see me? I’m the only other person here.”

Friend: “I’m sorry, but I didn’t see you. I’m blind.”

Woman: “You really expect me to believe that? Blind people can’t go to college. You’re just too lazy to get off the floor.”

My friend pulls her cane around, unfolds it, and gets to her feet.

Friend: “Yes, ma’am, I am blind, and I can go to college.”

Classes start letting out and students start beginning to leave or change classes. I come around the corner.

Me: “What’s going on?”

Woman: “This girl expects me to believe she’s blind.”

Me: “She is.”

Woman: “That’s a load of crap. Prove it.”

The woman walks up to [Friend] and takes the tinted glasses from her face.

Woman: “See?”

She directs this to the students who are hanging around to watch the drama as if she expects them to agree with her or take her side).

Woman: “She can see. There is nothing wrong with her eyes. She’s not really blind.”

As I stated earlier, my friend had ocular melanoma. As a result, her eyes were surgically removed, and she was fitted with prostheses that look real at a quick glance but don’t “move” like normal eyes and are a bit flat in their color. It’s kind of like looking into the eyes of a very old doll.

However, the best part of [Friend]’s eyes: they are removable! She reaches up, pops one eyeball out, and holds it out to the woman

Friend: “Here, look through this and tell me if you can see anything.”

The woman starts backing away, screeching loudly.

Woman: “Oh, my God! Oh, my God!”

The woman backs away from us so fast that she trips over her own, lands on her butt, and continues to scoot away. When she gets to the door, she pulls herself up, grabs her hand truck, and leaves. [Friend] maneuvers the eye back into the socket. The small crowd of students starts clapping and laughing and a few give [Friend] a pat on the back.

Friend: *Sighing dramatically* “So much for that lady seeing things through my eyes, huh?”

Geez, I love her humor!


This story is part of our Best Of April 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of April 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of April 2021 roundup!

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What A Doggone Fool

, , , , , | Legal | April 11, 2021

I am walking my family’s two dogs a little later than usual, when the streets are busier and more people and animals are around. One of the dogs spots people walking their dog and starts barking her little head off, so I do my best to pull her and our other dog away without causing issues for the other dog walkers. Just as we put more distance between the other dog and us:

Man: “HEY! LADY! EXCUSE ME!”

I turn around and there is an elderly man approaching me, spitting mad.

Man: “How dare you let your dogs go crazy like this?! If you cannot keep them controlled, you should keep them muzzled since they’re clearly aggressive!”

One of the dogs has been calmly sniffing trees around us and the other one is eyeing the man distrustfully and lightly growling since she dislikes raised voices.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t see the other dog as we were turning a corner, and I did my best to control the situation—”

Man: “I don’t care! Your dogs are a danger and you’re an awful dog owner! I’ll call the police on you!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry—”

Passerby: “Hey, man, leave the girl alone! It’s not a big deal, and you’re causing more chaos at this point.”

Man: “NO! She needs to be punished! I’ll call the police on her! She’s disturbing the peace!”

This goes on for a few minutes before I get fed up, apologise to him again, and turn away to continue walking the dogs, with him shouting after me about how he’ll call the police on me for having aggressive dogs, But I think nothing of it, because hey, what police officer would go out because a dog barked at another dog?

Later, as I go around the block and start heading home, I see a police car pull up behind me and two officers get out. Surprised, I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

Me: “Oh, don’t tell me he actually called the police on me!”

Police Officer #1: “We got a report about aggressive dogs in the area. Do you know anything about that?”

I recount the story as best as I can, starting to shake a bit from anxiety over this. While I’m telling the story, one of the dogs is gladly taking the chance to lay down and the other is making friends with the officers and getting petted by one of them.

Police Officer #2: “Well, clearly, this was a pointless call, as your dogs are clearly friendly and not aggressive at all.”

They gesture to the dog who’s basking in their colleague’s attention.

Police Officer #2: “Carry on, miss, and have a good day!”

Me: “Thank you! You, too, and I’m sorry for the trouble!”

Shaken, I returned home and told my mum about what happened. She was understandably upset, and my dad helped me walk the dogs the next few days, just in case the crazy old man came back again. The kicker? I remembered seeing the man before that day when I was retelling the story to my mum; he had come up to me to ask for directions a few weeks before and had even admired how well-behaved the dogs were, petting the very same dog he deemed “aggressive and dangerous”! Thankfully, I haven’t seen him since then, but I do hope he’s nicer now.

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Whatever Happened To, “Hi, Nice To Meet You”?

, , , , , | Romantic | April 9, 2021

I’m in a coffee shop drinking a coffee, and some guy approaches my table with a glowing smile like he has spotted a close friend.

Guy: “Jamie! What’s up? Long time, no see! Remember me?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Guy: “We used to hang out at that thing…” *Snapping fingers repeatedly* “God, I forgot the name of it. It was such a while ago… but how’s it going?” *Taking a seat*

Me: “I think you’re mistaken.”

Guy: “Jamie, right? It’s me, [Guy]. You don’t remember me, do you? That’s okay. I’m sure you’ve had a crazy schedule. How’ve you been, though? It’s awesome running into you here!”

Me: “If you are referring to the ‘Jamie’ stitched here on the front of my shirt, that’s my dad. I’m just wearing his shirt because I’m out of laundry. That’s not to mention that I’ve only been in this town for about a week because my husband and I are here visiting him. Can I drink my coffee in peace, please?”

Guy: “Oh… uh… Sorry.” *Slinking away*

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Maybe Let Parents Parent?

, , | Friendly | April 6, 2021

I am shopping with my mom and my sister at the grocery store. My sister and I are playing around but not enough to cause any disturbance; we stop when anyone is close by.

We both start laughing about something, and then this old lady who is a couple of feet in front of us confronts us, snapping her fingers at us.

Old Lady: “Girls, settle down.”

Me: “What the f—”

Mom: *To the lady* “Excuse me.”

She starts walking away, I’m guessing because she didn’t notice that my mom was right there.

Old Lady: “I’m a substitute teacher and I know how to handle kids.”

Mom: “Well, I’m their mother and I can control my own kids.”

The lady kept walking away.

In conclusion, she was embarrassed that my mom turned out to be there. I know for a fact that if we were being loud or obnoxious, my mom would have told us to settle down.

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