Suddenly Know What The Neighbors New Year’s Resolution Will Be

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 31, 2019

(This happens when I am about four. It’s New Year’s Eve, and the house at the corner is having a party. Someone sets off fireworks in the empty lot near said house, and my sister and I run down to go watch. We are standing near the fence of the house party. As we’re watching the fireworks, a young woman leans over the fence.)

Woman: “Hey, what are you two doing?”

Me: “We’re watching fireworks!”

Woman: “That’s cool.”

(Then, for no reason, she DUMPED her entire cup of beer on my sister and me. We both squealed and ran home, crying. My mom called the cops, and the party was shut down after it was revealed that the majority of the young adults drinking weren’t of age yet.)

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Stupid Is Calling

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 29, 2019

(This is the good old time of landlines. I answer the phone.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Yeah, pass me Bull.”

Me: “Who?”

Guy: *overly pronouncing* “Buuuuullllll! Paaaaassss meeee Buuuuullllll!”

Me: “I think you have the wrong–”

(Then, I hear a voice in the background.)

Background Voice: “What’s going on?”

Guy: *not even trying to muffle himself* “It’s his stupid sister; she won’t pass him!”

Background Voice: “Maybe his family doesn’t call him by his nickname but his actual name.”

Guy: “Oh, yeah… Can I speak to [My Brother]?”

Me: “Sure, stupid.”

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Stranger Danger At Level 99

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 28, 2019

I don’t remember this story at all, but my mother loves to tell it.

I’m four and my brother — my first and, at the time, only sibling — is a baby. We’re at the grocery store with my brother in the front seat of the cart and me “helping” Mom push it. Some old guy walks up and starts cooing over the baby — nothing new. Then, he turns to me and says, smiling and laughing, “If you don’t be a good girl and help your mommy, I’m gonna take your brother away!”

I react the way any responsible big sister would: I flip out! I push the cart as far away as I can, flail, cry, yell, stomp, and scream my head off, doing my very best to raise as much Hell as I can at my size.

Naturally, my mother’s first priority is calming me down. Once she’s assured me that no one is taking my brother anywhere and gotten me to relax, she rounds on the guy, demanding to know what in the h*** he was thinking saying that to a little girl! The guy just shrugs and says, “I thought she’d find it funny. Usually, whenever I tell little kids that, they always tell me to go ahead and take the baby.”

How much did this guy contribute to the Stranger Danger panic of the 80s and 90s?!

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Charging Into A Bad Situation

, , , , , | Friendly | December 27, 2019

(I’m on a plane that doesn’t have any built-in TVs. The man next to me has made several irate comments about this, as he was apparently counting on the in-flight movies to keep him occupied. As far as I can tell, the only entertainment of his own that he’s brought is his phone. He’s been playing games on it the whole flight. While I’m in the middle of watching a movie on my laptop, he taps my shoulder and gestures for me to take out my headphones. I pause the movie and do so.)

Man: “Hey, my phone’s dead. I need to charge it.”

Me: “I don’t think this plane has any plugs. Sorry.”

Man: “That’s all right. I can just plug it into your laptop.”

Me: “Um, no. No, you can’t.”

Man: “I have the cord right here!”

Me: “Sorry, but I’m not comfortable allowing a stranger to plug an unknown device into my computer. And anyway, there’s only just enough charge left to finish the movie.”

Man: “Come on, I don’t need much!” *starts trying to plug his phone in despite my refusal*

Me: *loudly* “I said no!”

(By this point, we were attracting a bit of attention. I look young for my age — I’m often mistaken for a teenager — and from an outside perspective, this seemed worse than it was. Other passengers saw a young woman who they probably assumed was underage yelling, “I said no!” at a middle-aged man, and clearly made some assumptions. Noticing all the glaring and muttering, the man stopped trying to plug his phone in, and I was able to get back to my movie. Ten minutes later, though, I caught him trying to sneak his phone charger into my computer’s USB port. I tried for another ten minutes to watch the movie with my hand covering the USB port, but he started repeatedly ramming the charger into my hand. Eventually, I gave up and put my computer away without finishing the movie. In retrospect, I should’ve just flagged down a flight attendant.)

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These Darn Kids And Their Darn Text Conversations I Can’t Eavesdrop!

, , , , | Friendly | December 27, 2019

(I’m 19 but look a LOT younger than my age. I’m driving home from college for winter break. I stop at a gas station at the halfway point for coffee, and when I go to check out, an older gentleman gets in line behind me. I can feel him inching closer to me than he needs to. I pull out my cellphone both to pass the time and to text my roommate about how uncomfortable I’m getting; when I’m halfway into the text, I can feel him literally looming over my shoulder.) 

Older Man: “What would you do without that cellphone, huh?”

Me: *chuckling to play along* “I’d probably be lost—“

(I was about to explain I was using it as a GPS, but he interjects quickly.)

Older Man: “You’d probably have a lot more time to communicate with people. I bet you don’t even know the English language, do ye?”

Me:Actually, I do. I’m an English major.” 

(He went pretty much quiet after that, and continued to stay within five inches of my personal space until it was my turn. Even the cashier looked sorry. I’m always a fan of small talk, but maybe don’t open with an attack?)

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