Jehovah’s Witless, Part 15

, , , , | Friendly | January 30, 2019

(Just as I am going out of my house, I run into a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses.)

Old Lady #1: *standing in the doorway and not letting me out* “Do you have time to listen to the word of God? I can read you some passages that explain the current state of the country.”

Me: *irritated but trying to be gentle* “No, sorry. I’m running late.”

Old Lady #2: *still not letting me out of my house* “What can be so important that you’re rushing to it but don’t have time for the word of God?”

Me: *even more irritated* “A Satanic Mass.”

(Offended, they went away almost running. The next time they came to my street, I saw them skip my house.)

Jehovah’s Witless, Part 14
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 13
Jehovah’s Witless, Part 12


, , , , , | Romantic | January 30, 2019

(I am sitting by myself on a bench in the local mall, waiting for my husband who has run to the bathroom. I happen to have long hair with streaks of teal in it. I’m replying to some work emails on my phone, not looking around at anyone, when a guy comes up to me.)

Guy: “I just had to tell you…”

Me: *confused, startled look*

Guy: *in what is probably an overly passionate tone for an eight-dollar box-dye job* “Your hair looks like a cascade of peacock feathers trailing down your shoulders.”

Me: *really taken aback by his earnestness, but honestly appreciating the compliment* “Oh. Um. Thanks!”

Guy: “So, I was thinking—“

(At that point, my husband walks up to me.)

Husband: “Okay, honey. Where are we getting lunch?”

(The guy looks at my husband, who is only just noticing him and gives him a polite, inquisitive smile. Then, the guy gives me a positively acidic look.)

Guy: “Okay, TEASE!” *turns and storms off*

(It was confusing, but mostly funny. Sorry my teasing, come-hither cascade of peacock hair lead you on or whatever, my dude. Hope you chill out some and grow up.)

You Will Need A Seat To Witness This Stupidity

, , , , , , | Friendly | January 30, 2019

(My dad and I are at a movie when we notice that a group of six girls and two boys of about thirteen are having an argument with three other boys of about seventeen. My dad, annoyed that they’re being loud, goes over. Note: he’s six foot three and looks very intimidating.)

Dad: “Is something wrong?”

Girl #1: “They’ve taken our seats!”

Boy #1: “No, they’re ours!”

Girl #2: “We booked the whole middle row so we could sit together. See?”

(She’s clearly on the verge of tears as she shows my dad her ticket.)

Dad: “This says she’s meant to be sitting where you are. Where’s your ticket?”

Boy #1: “Uh… we threw them away.”

Dad: “That’s the best lie you can come up with?”

Boy #2: “Come on; let’s just move.”

(The boys get up as the group of eight thanks my dad. What my dad doesn’t see is that they move over to the three seats next to me, one of which belongs to my dad. I block his seat with my legs before they can sit down.)

Boy #3: “These are our seats.”

Me: “You’re really f****** stupid.”

Boy #1: “Excuse me?”

Me: “F*** off back to your actual seats.”

Boy #2: *sighs* “Come on, then.”

(The group walked to the back to what were probably the worst seats in the cinema. I get why they wanted to move, but trying that bull not once, but twice, was ridiculous.)

Being Cold Makes Him Hot

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 28, 2019

(One winter’s day, I come home from classes and get in the residence tower’s elevator. Another student also gets in… wearing shorts and a t-shirt! Again, it’s winter. In Edmonton. There are snow and ice everywhere.)

Me: “Um… comfy?”

Student: *embarrassed but cheerful* “Uh, not really. So… somehow I got the weather report in Fahrenheit instead of Celsius without noticing it. I just saw the numbers this morning and thought, ‘Hey, it’s nice out,’ so…”

(Mid-twenties Celsius is a warm summer day. Mid-twenties Fahrenheit is below freezing.)

Me: “Oh.”

Student: “Then I got outside, but I didn’t have time to go back and change, so I’ve just spent all day like this.”

Me: “Oh, Jesus Christ. You must be frozen.”

Student: *still cheerful* “Yeah, and everyone’s like, ‘Wow! Look at that guy! He must be from Alaska!’ and it’s like, no, I’m just stupid.”

(He was so chipper and honest about it that if I’d been single, I’d have asked him out!)

Pajama Drama, Part 5

, , , , | Friendly | January 27, 2019

(I am 34 weeks pregnant and have to make a run into a large chain store. I run in wearing my pajamas because I am feeling bloated and the store itself is infamous for its casual, if at times shocking, clothes. I am currently waiting in line at the self-checkout when the middle-aged customer behind me decides she has something to say about it. She is wearing average clothing at best, nothing fancy.)

Rude Woman: *derisively* “I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing pajamas in public. Don’t you have any shame? Girls these days just go out wearing any d*** thing!”

Me: *turns around* “It’s not my fault only one of us can afford maternity clothes.”

Rude Woman: *starts sputtering before rushing to another line*

(The look on her face was worth leaving the house that day!)

Pajama Drama, Part 4
Pajama Drama, Part 3
Pajama Drama, Part 2

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