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Inheriting Some Real Hot Real Estate

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 8, 2014

(I’m riding a subway and working on a crossword puzzle one day when an elderly woman carrying a Bible sits down in the seat across from me. After a moment or two of staring at me, she points at my T-shirt, a collage of AC/DC album covers.)

Elderly Woman: “You listen to rock music, young man?”

Me: “Yes.”

(She then points at my crossword puzzle.)

Elderly Woman: “And you’re left-handed!”

Me: “So?”

Elderly Woman: “You’re going to the 12th circle of Hell, young man!”

Me: “I’ve read ‘The Divine Comedy.’ There are only nine circles, according to Dante. So apparently, I’m getting my own private home in Hell? Thanks!”


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A Streetcar Named Cheshire

, , , , , | Right | November 18, 2013

(I’m taking my cat to the vet in a carrier. I don’t have a car, so I’m taking the streetcar; it’s mostly empty except for an older woman.)

Older Woman: “You go to vet?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s time for my girl’s checkup.”

Older Woman: “May I see?”

Me: “Sure.”

Older Woman: *pets my cat* “Oh, such soft fur. What dog?”

Me: “Oh, she’s not a dog. She’s a cat.”

Older Woman: “Rare to see such soft dog. Good brushing!”

Me: “Again, thank you, but she’s a cat.”

Older Woman: “And well behaved! Dogs bark!”

Cat: “Meow!”

Older Woman: “You and dog have good day!”

Me: *to my cat* “Sorry, girl, but you’re a dog today.”

Because She Isn’t Suffering Enough

, , , , | Right | November 13, 2013

(After a weekend vacation camping with my husband, I wake up with a bad allergic reaction that swells me up and covers me with hives. It’s so bad that my tongue has even swollen up and my eyes are squinted nearly shut. We’re sitting at the hospital waiting room and waiting to be called when a lady comes in and notices me.)

Woman: “Oh, my God! What happened to you? Did you get hit by bees?”

Husband: “We went camping this weekend, so we think something in the woods got on her clothes and gave her a bad allergic reaction.”

Woman: “And you’re all covered with bumps, too. Oh, my God! Is she mute, too?”

Husband: “No, she can talk, but her throat is hurting her and her tongue is swollen.”

(I even open my mouth to show her.)

Woman: *freaked out* “Oh, my God! She looks like a raspberry. Why haven’t you taken her to the doctor before now? She looks horrible!”

Husband: “Um…” *looks around the emergency room* “Well, it just happened this morning when she woke up. If it gets too severe, I’m sure the nurses will come out and give her an epi-shot or something.”

Woman: “I hope they do. I can’t imagine going anywhere outside looking that bloated and blotchy. Don’t worry, honey; I’m sure you don’t look that bad when you look normal!”

(As she says this, the woman pats my knee cautiously, like I’m going to give her some infection.)

Woman: “Just… oh, my God!”


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Happy Spanksgiving

, , , , , | Right | December 10, 2012

(I am at the airport heading home for Thanksgiving. As I put my laptop back in my bag after security, a present for my dog — who stays with my parents while I’m at college — falls out.)

Other Traveler: “Dear, you dropped your handcuffs. Wait. Are handcuffs allowed? Sir!” *signals a TSA agent* “She has handcuffs!”

(The TSA agent walks over and speaks to me, somewhat confused.)

TSA Agent: “Something about handcuffs?”

Me: *holds up the toy: three connected, tightly woven rings*

TSA Agent: “I see.” *to the other traveler* “Miss, those are not handcuffs, and please don’t call us like that; it could cause a panic.”

Woman: “Oh, so handcuffs are allowed?”

Me: “It’s for my dog. It’s a toy.”

Woman: “Oh, such a kinky thing to call your boyfriend! You naughty thing!”

(The agent and I share looks, but I decide to let her have her idea. Next, I take out the scarf I bought my dog to tie around the rings.)

Woman: “…And a gag too? Lord, girl, what will your parents think?!”

TSA Agent: “That she’s giving me a better busy Thanksgiving day at work than I thought!”


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You’ve Got To Be Kitten Me, Part 2

, , , | Right | October 3, 2012

(A young woman comes in to our vet with her fairly large house cat. The cat is upset, so the young woman takes him out of the box and begins cradling him like an infant. The cat seems much happier and starts purring so loudly I can hear him several feet away. When the vet calls her, she switches the cat to her hip like a baby and moves to carry him into the office. Suddenly, another customer yells out.)

Other Customer: “OH, MY GOD! I thought you had a baby! You can’t carry a cat like that!”

Young Woman: *looks at her still purring cat* “He doesn’t seem to mind.”

Other Customer: “But that’s how you’re supposed to hold babies! You can’t hold a cat how you’re supposed to hold a baby!”

Vet: “Ma’am, it really isn’t bad to hold him like that as long as it doesn’t upset him. And the cat is purring. He seems quite comfortable, so I don’t see a problem with it.”

Other Customer: *to everyone else in the lobby* “Someone back me up here. She can’t hold her cat like that!”

Me: “Why, because you don’t like it?”

Cat: “Meow?”


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