Birds Of A Feather Sip Tea Together

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 28, 2017

(A pink and grey galah [cockatoo] turns up at my dad’s work site. He is obviously a pet, as he is tame and has clipped wings, so he can’t fly. He is very hungry, so he must have been lost for a while. We check everywhere we can to see if his previous owners are looking for him, and find nothing. So, we decide to keep him; we name him Wally and buy him a large cage. He has recently moulted, so my parents take him to the unusual pet vet to get his wings clipped, so he doesn’t hurt himself. When they arrive home, I ask them how it went:)

Mum: “Wally was good, even though the vets said that he was a bit naughty when they took him! But, we did meet a very strange woman. She was there with her 40-year-old galah called Lulu.”

Dad: “She was certainly what you could call a ‘crazy bird lady.’ Apparently, she had another galah at home, too. At dinner, they all sit together, with their own seats and plates. They even drink out of her cup!”

Mum: “She told us that when she eats things like yoghurt, she has a spoonful, then gives each of the birds a spoonful, too! And they’re free flying, so she’s secured half of her back garden off for them.”

(Though it seems like a weird relationship, I’m sure the galahs enjoy their life of luxury!)

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A Serial Offender

, , , , , | Right | November 28, 2017

(I’m currently between jobs, so I stop into a coffee shop to browse job postings on my laptop and send out my resume. While doing so, I have headphones in so I can listen to music. After being there for about ten minutes, I see a middle-aged woman about two tables away waving frantically to get my attention.)

Me: *takes out headphones* “Um, can I help you?”

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Drinking coffee, I guess.”

Customer: *sigh*No! What are you doing on your computer?” *moves over to the table next to mine, bringing two duffel bags with her*

Me: “I’m job-hunting online.”

Customer: “What kind of work do you do?”

Me: “I manage fundraising for nonprofits and political causes.”

Customer: “Politics, huh?” *looks over at the restroom and sees a handicapped sign* “Well, Mr. Politics, what’s your opinion on the handicapped?”

Me: “What about the handicapped?”

Customer: “What is your opinion on them?”

Me: *pauses* “I’m in favor of them.”

Customer: “Well, it doesn’t seem like you know all that much about politics, after all; that’s probably why you are unemployed.”

Me: “Ma’am, was there something you needed?”

Customer: “Jeez, I’m just trying to make friendly conversation.”

Me: “I’m not interested in that, thank you.”

(I put my headphones back in and stare at my screen but don’t put any music back on so I can eavesdrop on this woman.)

Customer: “How rude! I bet you’re probably one of those serial killers. Probably looking at p*rn on that computer!”

(I continue acting like I can’t hear her, and I avoid making eye contact again while she keeps waving and trying to get my attention. She eventually moves to the table behind me and begins bugging the people there, telling them that I am looking at p*rn in the coffee shop — even though this table has a full view of my computer screen — and about how I am probably a serial killer. The couple behind me doesn’t last as long as I did and quickly gets up to leave. She turns her attention back to me and screams.)

Customer: “HEY!”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “I need you to watch my bags; I’m going to go buy cigarettes.”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “Well, why not?”

Me: “Because your bags are not my responsibility.”

Customer: “WELL, I NEED TO GO, SO YOU NEED TO WATCH MY BAGS!”

(Before I can say anything else she storms out. I go to the counter to let the barista know what happened.)

Barista: “I’m really sorry about that. She comes in here every couple of weeks, and after the last time we kicked her out she called corporate to file a complaint about us. Now, we can’t kick her out unless someone actually complains. We were kind of wondering how long it would take you to speak to us.”

Me: “Does she still need to be here for me to complain? I’d rather leave before she gets back.”

Barista: “No, man, feel free to get out of here. I’m just glad we can kick her out now when she gets back.”

(I left after that, but felt bad for the barista who had to deal with her when she returned.)

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The Father Of All Fan-Baiting

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 27, 2017

(In college, my dad worked with the football team but didn’t play. However, he and his coworkers were able to get official jerseys, so long as they didn’t use numbers any of the players had. Shortly after Dad graduated, the number Dad happened to pick was used by a player who was very good and went on to play in the NFL. About thirty years after that, my teenage brother is attending a game at the same college and wears Dad’s jersey to show support for the team. It’s important to note that the famous player is black and my family is white.)

Older Fan: *to my brother* “Hey, kid, do you even know whose number that is on your jersey?”

Brother: *knowing full well who the famous player is, but not wanting to be baited into arguing about who’s the better fan* “Yeah, it’s my dad’s.”

Older Fan: *taken aback* “[Famous Black Player] is your dad?!”

(My brother just kept walking, leaving the confused fan behind.)

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Got To Have Thick Skin For These People

, , , , | Friendly | November 26, 2017

(I suffer from psoriasis and so my knees often appear scraped up and scabbed over. Most people who don’t know my skin condition assume I’ve fallen and hurt myself, which doesn’t bother me. This assumption, though, I just can’t even fathom. I am sitting at a park watching my siblings play when someone comes up and asks me this gem:)

Stranger: “Excuse me. But do you have leprosy?”

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A Drama To Keep You On The Edge Of Someone Else’s Seat

, , , , , | Friendly | November 25, 2017

(My husband and I go to see the new movie, “Thor: Ragnarok.” We bought tickets months ago for a few nights after opening, right in the center of the screen. The theater fills up fast as people buy the tickets around us. We get to our seats to find that a couple is sitting right in our seats.)

Me: “Excuse me. You’re in our spot.”

Girl: “Yeah, about that! So, we bought the seats that are on the outside of us here, so we were wondering if you guys could trade us and take the ones we bought.”

(I’m completely shocked at the idea that someone would even ask for me to trade my seats for theirs, so that my husband and I wouldn’t even be sitting next to each other.)

Me: “We’d be fine maybe moving over, so you guys can sit together and we can sit together.”

Girl: “No, we’d really prefer to have these seats.”

Me: “I’m sorry, then; you’re going to have to deal with sitting apart, in the seats you bought.”

Guy: “Come on, girl. You probably don’t even know what the movie is about.”

(I am just completely taken aback by this, and beyond pissed.)

Me: “My husband and I went to the last Thor movie together as our first date. We have been excited for this one. Regardless of my knowledge, I bought the seats you’re sitting in. I already offered to move over and let you guys sit together, but you’d rather have us take your seats. So, you can sit in the seats you bought, or I’ll go and get the staff to kick you out. Which one is it going to be?”

(The girl looks like she is about to melt down and throw a tantrum about not getting us to switch.)

Girl: “Fine! Just move over one; we’re fine doing that!”

Me: “That offer has passed. You guys can sit in the d*** chairs you purchased, and you can sit down and shut up.”

(The girl is now so pissed she stands up and pours her drink on the leather chair.)

Girl: “F*** you!”

Me: “Thanks, but you’re not my type.”

(She ended up causing issues a few minutes into the movie. My husband had already alerted a staff member about them being rowdy, and when she started to act up, the couple was removed. My husband said I should have just let her take up the offer I made, but I’m not going to let any entitled b**** like that have anything. Maybe buy your tickets sooner if you’re going to go to a Marvel movie. Idiot.)

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