Tell Her Where You Can Stuff That Penguin

, , , , , | Friendly | November 15, 2017

(I am a bystander to this lovely scene in December. Christmas is fast approaching and, as such, most shops have put out tempting displays near the checkouts to fool us all into buying things we neither need nor want. I am waiting in line with my trolley when a man and his daughter join the line behind me. The daughter, about eight years old, spies the stuffed penguin toys.)

Daughter: “Oh, look, Daddy! Penguins!”

Dad: “Yes, they’re very nice.”

Daughter: “Can I have one?”

Dad: “No.”

Daughter: “But they’re so sweet! Please?”

Dad: “I said no.”

Daughter: “Pleeease? I’ll look after it!”

Dad: “You already have a bear in the trolley. You don’t need another toy. You can either put the bear back and have the penguin, or keep the bear on its own.”

Daughter: “But I want both of them! I’ll take care of them!”

Dad: *seriously annoyed now* “I said no. Pick one now or you don’t get either.”

Daughter: “But Dad! I’ll take really good care of them both!” *begins annoying whiny tactics of attrition, including deliberate sobbing*

(At this point, a middle-aged woman has joined the next queue over. To my horror, she leans over and says:)

Interfering Woman: “Oh, that penguin needs to go to a good home, doesn’t he?”

Daughter: “Yes!” *sensing an ally, her tears immediately dry up*

Dad: *gritting his teeth* “I’m sure all these penguins will go to a good home. Our home’s a bit full, isn’t it, [Daughter]? What with all the toys you already have?”

Interfering Woman: *talking to daughter* “Oh, but this penguin would be much happier with you, wouldn’t it?”

Daughter: “Yes!”

Interfering Woman: “Don’t listen to Daddy; he’s being mean! I bet Mr. Penguin would love to come home with you!”

Dad: *somehow barely keeping his temper* “She has lots of toys already.”

Interfering Woman: “But she wants this one! Don’t you? Daddies are so mean, aren’t they?”

(Around this point I had reached the cashier, and I paid for my groceries as swiftly as possible, and got the h*** out of there. A tense silence had befallen everyone within hearing distance who wasn’t directly involved. I sometimes remember the whole scene, and try to think of ways I could’ve shut that woman up without causing a violent ruckus, but I’m at a loss. As a parent, I would’ve bought a penguin, put both the penguin and the bear in the charity box on the way out, and given my daughter a hearty talking to when we got home. She really was the most whiny child of her age I’ve ever heard. As a bystander, I honestly couldn’t think of anything sensible to do.)

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Your Realization Skills Are Out Of Gas

, , , , , , | Learning | November 14, 2017

(I’m in college, coming back from a cross-country meet with my teammates. Our school is small, so we take two mini-buses and have our coach and assistant coach drive them. I’m on the bus with our assistant coach, only about five minutes away from home, when we run out of gas. We pull over to the side of the road and try to call our coach and his wife. Another truck pulls over and my assistant coach goes to talk to the driver.)

Assistant Coach: “Thanks for stopping; we have a bit of a problem, here!”

Truck Driver: “Hey, do you know what time the cafeteria closes at [Other College in our town]?”

Assistant Coach: “Uh, no. We’re actually from [College], but we’re kind of out of gas.”

Truck Driver: “Oh, yeah? I’m running a bit low, too. Thanks, anyway.” *drives away*

(Eventually, our coach’s wife did bring us some gas. I still wonder if that guy eventually realized we were asking him for help.)

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We Don’t Sell Dating Simulators

, , , , | Romantic | November 14, 2017

(I work at a video game store. As a female employee, I’m unfortunately used to being hit on by customers while working. I approach a pair of customers on the floor: a young guy around my age and a much older man. When I ask if they need help, the older man is very friendly and strikes up a lengthy conversation with me about games he used to play. It is a pretty pleasant interaction until this moment:)

Customer: “Wow, you really know your stuff! Any chance you’re free this weekend? My son could use a date!”

(I awkwardly tried to laugh it off, while the poor son didn’t even look embarrassed, just tired and disinterested like this happened a lot.)

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This Security Has No Insecurities

, , , , | Friendly | November 13, 2017

(My friend just had her baby in America, and I live in Ireland. I am going through the airport. I get to the metal detectors and am stopped by security.)

Security Guard: “And what is the nature of your visit?”

Me: “MY FRIEND HAD A BABY AND I’M THE GODMOTHER!”

(This is a very large, buff security guard.)

Security Guard: *squealing* “OH, MY GOD!”

(We both started dancing, and once I got through, he just went back to normal. I’m not sure if he was joking around or just really excited, but he made my day!)

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Called Them Via God

, , , , , , | Working | November 11, 2017

(My mom is driving down the street when she witnesses a car accident. She gets out to see if the drivers are okay. [Driver #1] seems okay, but [Driver #2] seems a little dazed.)

Mom: *to [Driver #2]* “Are you okay? Would you like me to call an ambulance to have you checked out?”

Driver #1: “I’m a nurse. She’s fine.”

Mom: “We should at least call the police and file an accident report.”

Driver #1: “This is a company car. I’m a home healthcare nurse, and I’m on duty. I can’t have an accident in a company car! Don’t call the ambulance! She’s fine!”

Mom: “Okay.”

(My mom then goes back to her car and calls our church, which is nearby. She asks the church secretary to call an ambulance to come check out [Driver #2], which comes within a few minutes.)

Driver #1: “Did you call the ambulance?!”

Mom: “No, I did not.”

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