Making Tall Assumptions

, , , , | Friendly | December 18, 2017

(I’ve been tall all my life so I’m always mistaken as older. I’m used to it. My wife and I are grocery shopping and she goes off to another aisle to get something. The youngest my wife has ever been mistaken for is 19.)

Stranger: “Your daughter doesn’t look much like you.”

Me: “She’s not my daughter.”

Stranger: “Oh. Sister?”

Me: “No, she’s my wife.”

Stranger: *appalled* “You’re not old enough to be married!”

Me: “But I’m old enough to have a kid her age?”

Stranger: “Well… I guess not… But you’re so tall, so you must be older. And the pink hair, but that means you’re younger. Wait, then that means you’re gay. You’re not old enough to be gay!”

(I just rolled my eyes and walked away. I wonder what the stranger would have thought about the wine I later bought. And for the record, my wife and I are both 26.)

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Hunger Is Binary

, , | Friendly | December 18, 2017

(I am sitting on the train waiting for it to depart, when a man I’ve never seen before boards.)

Stranger: “Hello, good morning. How are you doing?”

Me: “Good morning. I am doing fine, thank you. How about yourself?”

Stranger: “Ah, not so good. I haven’t eaten in almost a day. Would you perhaps have a Euro or two to spare?”

Me: “Unfortunately I do not. However, if you’d like I have a sandwich you could have.”

Stranger: “What kind of sandwich?”

Me: “A yes or no sandwich. Yes for hungry, no for not hungry.”

(He just gave me a stupid look for a few seconds until going away to ask the next person if they had money for him. Unfortunately, she had heard the exchange and was too busy laughing.)

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Keep Your Mouth Shut And Your Legs Covered

, , , | Friendly | December 15, 2017

(I am reading at a cafe, waiting for an event to start, when a friend sits down with me. We greet each other and start chatting. Not long after, a woman walks past wearing black leggings which were so stretched that I can see her underwear and skin colour through the fabric. I think to myself, “Leggings aren’t pants,” but out loud I just say:)

Me: “Urgh…”

Friend: “What’s up, [My Name]?”

(I’m just about to say what I thought, but then the old saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” comes to mind, so I bite my tongue to stop talking.)

Me: “Oh, nothing; I just bit my tongue.”

(A few minutes later we got up to head into the event, and I noticed that my friend was dressed in very tight, see-through black leggings just like the woman was. I’m glad I listened to the angel on my shoulder instead of the devil.)

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Conspiracy Theories Caught On Camera

, , , , , | Friendly | December 15, 2017

(I’m from Germany. I’m traveling across the country on a long-distance bus and decide to use the time to watch a cartoon series a friend recommended to me. A random dude sits behind me and taps on my shoulder, so I take my headphones off.)

Dude: “Hey, do you mind if I watch that with you?”

Me: “Not at all. I even have some splitters on me. It’s in English, though.”

(The dude and I chat for about a minute about some cartoons we both enjoy while he moves his stuff to sit down next to me. Then, he just stares at my laptop blankly for no apparent reason.)

Dude: “You covered your camera.”

Me: “Yup, I did. I normally don’t Skype or anything, so it’s not like it’s an inconvenience or something like that.”

Dude: “You know that nobody’s watching you? God, if I knew you were a paranoid piece of s***, I wouldn’t have talked to you.”

(He continues to launch into a long speech, filled with insults, about conspiracy theories and how I must be completely bonkers for believing them — which I don’t — while I don’t say a word and tune him out for the most part. When he finishes a few minutes later, he demands that I explain myself and justify my “insanity.”)

Me: “My ex-boyfriend is an Anonymous hacker, and he actually did hack into my computer and my webcam. He took some pretty nice pictures of me and sent them to my friends, who kindly beat him up for me. As far as I know, he didn’t try again, and the pictures are gone, but I prefer to have my webcam covered, not that it’s any of your business. Now, either shut up and put your headphones in and watch [Cartoon] quietly without speaking to me, or shut up and leave, which I’d prefer.”

(He left. For anyone interested, my ex and I never crossed paths again and he still hasn’t contacted me five years later, to my immense joy. My friends are still awesome, and I still have no social media, nor do I open anything that isn’t sent to me by a trusted source. Not everyone with their webcams covered is a nut-job. Sometimes their exes are just psycho.)

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It’s Cupcakes, So It’s Worth It

, , , , , | Friendly | December 14, 2017

(It is a hot summer’s day, and my partner and I decide to spend the day at a popular lakefront beach. After swimming for a while, I take my place on the sand, get some sun, and read a book. Two little girls are laying on beach towels next to me, chatting and lazily digging holes. That’s when I overhear the ten-year-old girl say to the eight-year-old girl:)

Ten-Year-Old Girl: “…and then, all you have left is one dead body and twelve cupcakes.”

(A budding Wednesday Addams stand-up comedian?)

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