Bugging You Out

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 3, 2017

(I’m maybe ten years old. My mom and I go into a store so she can use the restroom. I’m sitting on a bench outside the restrooms, and the customer service desk is nearby. An old man comes up to me.)

Old Man: “Hey, kid.”

Me: “Umm?”

Old Man: “Do you know why you shouldn’t wear underwear from here without washing it?”

Me: “Um, no?”

Old Man: “Well, I bought underwear and wore it without washing it, and I got bugs down there.”

Me: “Okay.”

Old Man: “They make it overseas and ship it over from places like Uganda and never wash it. You know, they really should wash it, but they don’t.”

Me: *fairly terrified at this point* “Okay.”

Old Man: “So, those bugs from over there live in the cloth and then come out when you put it on.”

(At this point my mom comes out of the restroom.)

Old Man: “See that guy over there, at the customer service desk? He’s my grandson. If anything has bugs in it, you let him know.” *walks toward the desk*

Mom: “Who was that?”

Me: “I haven’t the faintest idea.”

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Magic: The Murdering

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 3, 2017

(My husband and I play [Trading Card Game]. Like most players, we have our valuable cards in binders that we carry with us to our local shop when we go to play, in case someone wants to do trades. A friend asks my husband to trade, so he hands the friend one of our three binders and sits looking at our friend’s binder. Our other two binders are on the table in front of me, and I’m sitting next to my husband, but his back is to me. A random guy that I’ve never seen before sits down at the table across from my husband. Note: some [Trading Card Game] cards are highly sought after and quite valuable, so a person’s binder could be worth anywhere from several hundred to several thousand dollars.)

Guy: “Oh, y’all are trading? Anything good?” *points to our binders* “Whose are these?”

(My husband and [Friend] ignore him as they discuss the cards they’re looking to trade and the value of those cards.)

Me: *pointing to my husband* “They’re our cards. He’s busy with [Friend] right now, so you might as well be talking to a brick wall.”

Guy: “Oh, okay.” *tries to grab the binders, but I snatch them out of his reach* “I just want to look.”

Me: *glaring at him* “Well, [Husband] is busy, and I’m not looking for anything right now. And I don’t know you, so don’t think you can just grab our cards like that!”

Guy: *to my husband* “Hey, man, she won’t let me look at your cards.”

(He snaps his fingers at my husband and I grit my teeth at his impertinence.)

Husband: *obviously annoyed but not looking up* “That’s my wife, and she plays, too, so those cards are half hers. Just wait a minute and we can try to deal, if you have stuff I want.”

Guy: *tries snatching the binders from me again* “I just want to see what he has!”

Me: *slamming the binders on the table as I jump out of my chair, fed up with his arrogance* “Listen here, you a**! I said you couldn’t just grab our cards like that, because I don’t know you! Try touching them again, and I will rip your f****** head off your shoulders, you got it?!”

Guy: *jumps up then glares at me* “You’re crazy!”

Friend: *finally looking up* “Hey, hey! Whooooa!” *to the guy* “[Guy], she told you not to touch their stuff and you didn’t listen and kept trying to grab their money cards, so of course she’s going to get crazy!” *to me* “[My Name], no committing murder. I don’t feel like helping [Shop Owner] and [Employee] mop up his blood, okay?”

Guy: “Whatever, man! I’m out. This chick is crazy.”

(My husband watches the guy leave, then shrugs and kisses my cheek.)

Husband: “And that, baby, is why I love you.”

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Wipe Away All The Anger

, , , , , , , | Friendly | November 1, 2017

(I’m standing in line at the grocery store. Behind me is woman with a little girl of about five or six. The woman is talking on her cell phone, and the little girl is listening intently.)

Woman: *angrily into phone* “That really chaps my a**!”

Little Girl: *matter-of-factly* “That won’t happen if you wipe!”

(I met the eyes of the amused cashier and burst out laughing.)

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A Total Balls-Up

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | October 29, 2017

(I am an usher at a sports arena. During a game, two teenage girls with signs saying it is their first game catch a ball. A few seconds later, two kids run down from seats five rows behind the girls and ask them for the ball. When the two girls refuse, their section turns on them.)

Man: “Give the kids the ball! They’re kids! What’s it to you?”

Girl #1: “It’s our first game! We caught the ball; we want it!”

Women: “Gosh, you girls are b****es!”

Girl #2: “What the h*** is wrong with you people? If we won the lottery and two kids demanded our winnings would we be forced to give them to them? We caught this ball fairly! What the f***?!”

(A man in the row behind them ripped the ball out of their hands and gave it to the kids, who ran back to their mom. Their mom smirked at the teenagers and patted her kids on the head. Now, I have been in this arena for seven years and, as such, have the respect of my manager and staff. During intermission, my manager came over to check in on me and I told him what happened. My manager’s sister is a supervisor in guest service, and with some strings pulled, she got them two balls and vouchers for hotdogs, and moved them out of their area as their section was still angry with them. Obviously, it was not the same as getting the ball the girls had caught, but they still got balls out of it.)

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Don’t Talk Crap

, , , , , | Friendly | October 28, 2017

(I’m walking my dog and he stops to do his business. After he finishes, I pull out a bag to clean it up when I hear a bang behind me. I stop, bag in hand, and look back to see a man on the porch of the nearest house, glaring at me. I’m outside of his fenced-in yard, on the strip of grass maintained by the city.)

Man: “If I see even one bit of crap on my lawn, I’m tracking you down and shooting that dog dead.”

Me: *after standing up to my full 6’6” height* “Try it, and I’ll land you in the hospital.”

(He tripped over himself running back inside. I can understand not wanting to deal with dog crap, but A) it’s not your lawn, B) I’m cleaning it up already, and C) don’t make threats if you aren’t willing to pay for them.)

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