He’s Really ‘App-y To See You

| Finland | Romantic | March 2, 2016

(We’re out shopping. I don’t realize that my husband has his tablet with him until he takes it out of his pocket to look something up.)

Me: “How do you fit that in your pants?”

Husband: “What? It’s only seven inches!”

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 52

| Sonoma County, CA, USA | Romantic | September 24, 2015

Me: *in a sappy voice* “You love me. And you’ll always love me.”

Husband: “Yep.”

Me: “You’re always going to love me.” *in a creepier voice* “No matter what…”

Husband: “Uh… yep.”

Me: “Even if I turn into a zombie.”

Husband: “Well, I’d still love you, but I might have to bash your head in.”

Related:
Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 51
Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 50
Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 49

Not Impressed With Who You’re Trying To Impress

| CT, USA | Related | July 6, 2015

(I overheard this gem while shopping; I’m assuming it’s a father and daughter.)

Dad: “You don’t need all this makeup. You’re beautiful the way you are and whoever he is will like you regardless.”

Daughter: “Excuse me? I do not wear makeup to impress boys. How can you say that?”

Dad: “Come on, it’s a well-known fact that girls wear makeup to hide how basic and average they are. But you don’t need that; you have natural beauty.”

Daughter: “Believe it or not, women do wear makeup for themselves. They don’t do it just for other’s satisfaction. Besides, most men will jump on anything that has tits and a vagina; girls though, have higher standards.”

Dad: “…”

Daughter: “I’m trying to impress a girl.”

Dad: “…”

Daughter: “At some point you’re going to have to accept that I’m a lesbian.”

Dad: “Did someone say we needed milk?”

Thanks For Nothing

| OH, USA | Related | June 18, 2015

(My mom and I are leaving a store and are on our way to my cousin’s baby shower. We are almost to the car when this happened:)

Mom: “Thank you.”

Me: “You’re welcome.” *realizing that I hadn’t done or said anything to prompt a thank you* “Umm… what are you welcome for?”

Mom: “I don’t know. I was hoping you weren’t going to ask.”

(We couldn’t leave for another five minutes because we were laughing too hard.)

Pregnant With Stress

| WI, USA | Friendly | May 15, 2015

(I’m five-months pregnant, and showing it. As such, people have a tendency to think it’s okay to say whatever they want.)

Woman: “Oh my goodness! When are you due?”

Me: *weirded out that a stranger is talking to me* “I’m due in March.”

Woman: “Oh, wow, you’re so big for being due so far away! Are you having twins?”

Me: “Excuse me? No. My size is normal for my expected date, thank you.”

Woman: *completely oblivious to the fact that I’m offended* “Well, enjoy your sleep now! You won’t get any soon!”

Me: *extremely aggravated* “Enjoy my sleep? You think getting up to pee four times a night while having pain from not being able to sleep on my back is enjoyable? Or did you think it’d be fun to scare me? Listen, lady, I don’t know why you’re behaving like an idiot, but maybe think for a few minutes before opening your mouth to a stranger!”

Woman: *shocked*

Other Patrons: *silent*

Me: *to everyone* “STOP LOOKING AT THE PREGNANT LADY LIKE SHE’S CRAZY!”

(I actually got a discount that day because the cashier thought ‘maybe the day was rough enough for me already.’)

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