He’s Really ‘App-y To See You

| Finland | Romantic | March 2, 2016

(We’re out shopping. I don’t realize that my husband has his tablet with him until he takes it out of his pocket to look something up.)

Me: “How do you fit that in your pants?”

Husband: “What? It’s only seven inches!”

Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 52

| Sonoma County, CA, USA | Romantic | September 24, 2015

Me: *in a sappy voice* “You love me. And you’ll always love me.”

Husband: “Yep.”

Me: “You’re always going to love me.” *in a creepier voice* “No matter what…”

Husband: “Uh… yep.”

Me: “Even if I turn into a zombie.”

Husband: “Well, I’d still love you, but I might have to bash your head in.”

Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 51
Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 50
Till Undeath Do Us Part, Part 49

Not Impressed With Who You’re Trying To Impress

| CT, USA | Related | July 6, 2015

(I overheard this gem while shopping; I’m assuming it’s a father and daughter.)

Dad: “You don’t need all this makeup. You’re beautiful the way you are and whoever he is will like you regardless.”

Daughter: “Excuse me? I do not wear makeup to impress boys. How can you say that?”

Dad: “Come on, it’s a well-known fact that girls wear makeup to hide how basic and average they are. But you don’t need that; you have natural beauty.”

Daughter: “Believe it or not, women do wear makeup for themselves. They don’t do it just for other’s satisfaction. Besides, most men will jump on anything that has tits and a vagina; girls though, have higher standards.”

Dad: “…”

Daughter: “I’m trying to impress a girl.”

Dad: “…”

Daughter: “At some point you’re going to have to accept that I’m a lesbian.”

Dad: “Did someone say we needed milk?”

Thanks For Nothing

| OH, USA | Related | June 18, 2015

(My mom and I are leaving a store and are on our way to my cousin’s baby shower. We are almost to the car when this happened:)

Mom: “Thank you.”

Me: “You’re welcome.” *realizing that I hadn’t done or said anything to prompt a thank you* “Umm… what are you welcome for?”

Mom: “I don’t know. I was hoping you weren’t going to ask.”

(We couldn’t leave for another five minutes because we were laughing too hard.)

Pregnant With Stress

| WI, USA | Friendly | May 15, 2015

(I’m five-months pregnant, and showing it. As such, people have a tendency to think it’s okay to say whatever they want.)

Woman: “Oh my goodness! When are you due?”

Me: *weirded out that a stranger is talking to me* “I’m due in March.”

Woman: “Oh, wow, you’re so big for being due so far away! Are you having twins?”

Me: “Excuse me? No. My size is normal for my expected date, thank you.”

Woman: *completely oblivious to the fact that I’m offended* “Well, enjoy your sleep now! You won’t get any soon!”

Me: *extremely aggravated* “Enjoy my sleep? You think getting up to pee four times a night while having pain from not being able to sleep on my back is enjoyable? Or did you think it’d be fun to scare me? Listen, lady, I don’t know why you’re behaving like an idiot, but maybe think for a few minutes before opening your mouth to a stranger!”

Woman: *shocked*

Other Patrons: *silent*


(I actually got a discount that day because the cashier thought ‘maybe the day was rough enough for me already.’)

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