Deaf To Your Wit

, , , , , | Friendly | June 13, 2018

(My mother is a children’s librarian at the public library. Sometimes I volunteer to help out during story time. My mother’s coworker has the day off, and she and her six-year-old daughter come in. The little girl has a hearing impairment that requires her to wear hearing aids. As I’m supervising the kids during crafts, I hear this gem:)

Little Boy: *running around before he stops and taps her on the shoulder* “Hey, what are those things on your ears?”

Coworker’s Daughter: *turns around to address him* “They’re my hearing devices. They help me listen. You could probably use some.” *turns back around and goes back to her craft*

“Gone” Travelling

, , , , | Romantic | April 28, 2018

(My mom is a dreamer and loves to travel. My father, on the other hand, is more of a homebody, and my mom lovingly refers to him as an old curmudgeon.)

Mom: “Man, I’d love to go to the beach. Or Paris. Or London.”

Dad: “Honey, when I’m gone, you can travel wherever you want to, whenever you want to.”

Mom: “Why do I have to wait?”

Dad: *pause* “Fair enough.”

Unfiltered Story #107758

, , | Unfiltered | March 21, 2018

(I have just arrived at my parents’ house to use thier shower while my apartment nearby is being renovated. They are at work, and I decide to hang out for a while to spend time with the cats. As I let myself in, my parents’ senior cat asks to be let out. It’s a quiet neighborhood, and as a younger cat, he loved to go outside and catch birds and mice. As he’s gotten older, he’s slowed down, and although he still likes to go outside, he never ventures far from the porch, and is usually ready to come in after 5 or 10 minutes. After about 10 minutes, I open the front door to find a Pest Control guy standing there.)

Pest control guy: Hi, there. I’m just here to spray. I was careful not to get too close to the catfood dishes on the porch. I should be done shortly.

(Normally it’s not a big deal, but the pest control people always put my family on edge. A few years before, we had a cat that fell asleep in the shade, behind a different pest control guy’s truck in our driveway. The guy hopped in and immediately slammed the truck into reverse, killing our cat before he had a chance to move. I had never seen my father so angry, and my mother was crushed. It was declared “an unfortunate accident”, and my father then made a point to hire a better company with employees with more thorough training and customer service, for our pest control needs.)

Me: Oh, okay. I was looking for our black cat. He’s out here somewhere, probably ready to come in. He’s almost 17, and his age is starting to show, so we try to keep an eye on him.

Pest control guy: *chuckling* Well, I just backed into the driveway. I didn’t see him. Hope I didn’t hit him!

Me: *trying to keep a blank face, but feeling a grimace creeping in* Please be mindful. He may run if he doesn’t recognize you. Thanks.

(I shut the door and sat down with the inside cats. After another 10 minutes, I opened the door again to see if the cat was on the porch. He wasn’t, but the guy was in the front yard, checking termite traps.

Pest control guy: Hey! As I walked around to the back yard, I saw a black cat run up the side of the house, towards the driveway. I don’t know where he is now.

(I realize he was not malicious in intent, but I still don’t see how it could be professional to joke about running over a family pet while on said family’s property. Fortunately, our senior cat showed up on the porch a few hours later, and happily trotted inside to the food bowl. My father was visibly relieved, and I finally left after I knew everything was okay.)

Will Have To Scour The Deepest Amazon For It

, , , , , , | Romantic | February 7, 2018

(My boyfriend and I have discovered that one of our favorite independent movies has been removed from our movie-streaming network. We tend to joke around a lot and feign being overly dramatic.)

Boyfriend: “I guess we’ll just have to find it on DVD, or something. We’ll probably have to find it in some obscure, faraway shop, or we might have to battle to the death in some distant, foreign country to get it.”

Me: *wide eyes and gasps* “Yeah, like somewhere called…” *pause, pronounces strained and incorrectly* “…Ama-zoh-n!”