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You Have A Lot Of Bottle To Do That

, , , , , , , | Related | January 25, 2018

My mom and stepdad are tidying up in the basement, and I go downstairs to see if they need a hand. My stepdad is going through his wine rack and hands me two bottles of wine. He tells me to go put them on the kitchen counter. My mom says they should go in the sink because they are dusty.

They then start bickering — like only a married couple can — about where the bottles should go, so I walk upstairs and put one bottle on the counter and one in the sink.

My mom calls me a smart-a**, but no one can say that I didn’t follow instructions!

Let Them Carry On While You Carry

, , , , , | Related | November 17, 2017

(My stepdad is notoriously sexist and has put on a big show about coming outside and actually helping us for once. He and my fiancé are carrying bags of cement into the garage by themselves while my mom and I watch, because we have already cleaned the garage.)

Stepdad: *in a derogatory tone* “What would you women do if we weren’t here to carry this for you?”

(My mom snaps back while I lean close to whisper in my fiancé’s ear.)

Me: “I’m the one who put them in the car.”

Fiancé: *bursts out laughing*

Getting A Leg Up On Genetics

, , , , , | Related | September 27, 2017

(I have four children, from two different relationships. Two older boys are from a previous relationship, who we will call [Dad #1], and the younger girl and boy are from my husband, [Dad #2]. Though all children live with my husband and me, the father of my first two children is still very much involved with the family. This is probably why there is some confusion for the youngest child in the family when we are talking about shared physical traits.)

Me: “You guys all have my cheeks.”

Older Son: “Yeah, but I got my height from [Dad #1].”

Daughter: “And I got my eyes from [Dad #2].”

Dad #2: “Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, both [Daughter and Youngest Son] got my eye sight.”

Youngest Son: “Yeah, but my legs are [Dad #1]’s.”

(Everyone stops and looks at my youngest son.)

Me: “Uh, what?”

Youngest Son: “Yeah, I have [Dad #1]’s legs.”

Dad #2: “Buddy, how can that be, when I’m your dad?”

Youngest Son: “I’m not sure, but I have his legs. Do you think there was some stuff leftover and it passed on to me?”

(The whole family thinks this is hilarious and tries to explain to him why he doesn’t share any genes with [Dad #1]. A couple days later, both [Dad #2] and the youngest son are sitting on the couch in shorts.)

Dad #2: “Son, look at my legs and look at your legs. Whose legs do you have?”

Youngest Son: *looks down and then up* “I hate to say it, Dad, but they’re [Dad #1]’s legs.”

(Now that he’s older, he understands why this isn’t right.)

Needs To Step Down

, , , , , | Right | September 26, 2017

(It is a slow day on my shift. There is just one customer, sitting at a table with his food and laptop, when a slightly annoyed-looking man comes in with his two teenage daughters.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Donut Shop]. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “I’ll have a medium hot coffee with cream and sugar.”

Daughter #1: *rather timidly* “I’ll have a maple-frosted donut.”

Daughter #2: “Hmm…”

(She takes some time, about half a minute, looking at the donuts behind me.)

Customer: *turns to [Daughter #2]* “Stop taking so long! You’re wasting the cashier’s time. Make up your mind.” *turning to me* “Sorry it’s taking so long. My daughters can be so problematic.”

(I just stand there and smile, not really knowing what to say.)

Customer: *speaking loudly* “They’ve been nothing but trouble to me and my wife. Always doing bad things behind our backs. You know they almost got us in trouble with the police once?”

(Both girls are now looking nervous and casting their eyes down on the floor. The first one looks scared and second one looks frustrated. I find his statement hard to believe, because they seem like the “good-girl” types, but I say nothing because it’s obvious that he’s annoyed. The customer with the laptop is raising his eyes up to look at them.)

Customer: “Just a bunch of good-for-nothings. So, spit it out, what do you want?” *cuts her off before she can speak* “You know what? She’ll just have a coffee roll, like last time.”

(I ring them up for their purchases. The man pays with his card, I get the donut and coffee roll in a bag and give it to them, but I tell them they’ll have to wait a bit for the hot coffee. The man and second daughter leave to wait in the car, leaving the first daughter to pick up the coffee after it’s finished.)

Me: “Okay, here you go.” *hands her the coffee*

Daughter #1: *takes it, speaks solemnly* “Thanks. Oh, and by the way… he’s my stepfather.”

Me: *in total shock* “Oh…”

(The customer on his laptop perks his head up real fast at this, and we both stare after her as she leaves the shop, wiping roughly at one eye. My coworker comes up from the kitchen, shaking her head.)

Laptop Customer: “I’m gonna bet the ‘police trouble’ they had was either one of the daughters trying to report his sorry a**. I’m only sorry it didn’t work.”

Coworker: “I’m just more appalled that this is the man their mother chose to marry!”

(Whether the man really was their stepfather or not, I have something to say to him: “You are a d*****-bag, and verbally abusing anyone is not cool.”)

The Daddy Of All Daddy Issues

, , , | Friendly | July 20, 2017

(I am in a car with a work friend, and we’re chatting, when the topic turns to family. When speaking with acquaintances I often refer to my mother’s husband as my ‘stepdad’, even though I don’t consider him as such, simply because it’s easier to say and gets the point across. My closer friends understand my relationship with him, and with them I just refer to him by name.)

Me: “So I was talking with my stepdad…” *I pause for a moment, and figure I’ve been spending enough time with this guy outside work that he’s more than an acquaintance, so I might as well explain* “I mean, he’s not like my dad, he’s—”

Friend: “Whoa, whoa, wait. Does he make your mom happy?”

Me: “Yes, he—”

Friend: “Is he good for her?”

Me: “Yes, just—”

Friend: “Does she love him?”

Me: “Yeah, but—”

Friend: “Then don’t complain about him!”

Me: “I’m NOT complaining about him! He’s an AWESOME guy! She’s a vegetarian and so is he, they have a great organic garden in their yard, he totally loves her, and I’m really glad they found each other! But I only met him as a teenager, he never had a hand in raising me, and they didn’t get married until after I moved out. I seriously have nothing against him; he’s a great guy, but he’s not my dad!”

Friend: *silent for a moment* “Oh. Okay. It’s just, I was raised by a stepdad, and he was great. I get so f****** tired of people s***ting on their stepdads because they’re ‘not their real dad.'”

(Ironically, when I was a kid, I always hoped that she would meet a guy with kids so I could have siblings and a second dad.)