They’ll Be There By The Twelfth Round

, , , , , , | | Legal | June 18, 2019

(This story is courtesy of my father-in-law. He is a regular at a busy little pub in [Large City] with an interesting mix of clientele. This pub is located on the main road and shares a car park with a reasonably large police station. One night things get a bit rowdy and a large scale fight breaks out. Windows are being smashed and people are staggering away bleeding. Naturally, the landlady calls the police.

Landlady: “This is the landlady of [Pub] on [Street]. We’ve got a massive brawl going on; could you please send some help?”

Dispatch: “No problem, but the nearest officers we have right now are 30 minutes away.”

Landlady: *glances down the street at the busy and active police station* “Isn’t there anyone who can get here faster?”

Dispatch: “Sorry, duck, there isn’t. Tell you what; do you think you can keep the fight going until we get there?”

Unfiltered Story #151766

, , , | | Unfiltered | May 24, 2019

I used to work weekends at a bookshop that was next door to a national chain pub. One day a few years ago, a right-wing facist group was arranging to meet at the pub before marching to the town hall together as part of a peaceful protest (can’t remember what for). However, seeing as when I started at 11am, we could already hear them chanting and getting more and more angry (and drunk) it was clear it wasn’t going to be a peaceful march. We ended up locking our doors not long after I got there and being barricaded in the store while a riot took place literally right in front of our shop. This happened afterwards, after the riot had cooled down, but we’d been told to finish our shifts with the doors still locked doing all the jobs we never had time for at weekends.
Me: (Tidying shelves by the window)
Customer: (Banging on window) Are you open?
Me: No, I’m sorry. We’ll open as normal tomorrow.
Customer: But your sign says you’re open till 5pm. It’s only half 3!
Me: There was a riot this morning. We have to stay here till 5, but the shop isn’t open.
Customer: But I’ve driven here from Conwy (a place in Wales 80miles away) because you’ve got something our branch doesn’t stock.
Me: I’m sorry madam. There. Was. A. Riot. People tried to kick our doors in. We are not opening the doors to anyone except the police. The staff are having to leave the shop in a group. I really suggest you go home.
I know closing early was inconvenient, but I would’ve thought perspective would’ve won this one.

Peanut Versus Chlorine

, , , , | Right | July 9, 2018

(I’m a lifeguard on position in an adventure water park. I’m patrolling beside a pool no deeper than most adults’ shins. Despite it being designed mainly for toddlers, the pool is teeming with parents, and just one or two children. A woman approaches me:)

Guest: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Is everything okay? How can I help?”

Guest: “I’ve found something; I think it’s a contaminate.”

Me: “Oh, would you mind showing me?”

(She leads me over to the edge of the pool, where it’s about a foot deep, and points to something lying on the bottom. I bend down to pick it up.)

Me: “It’s a peanut.”

Guest: “It’s worse than I thought! If my daughter had had a peanut allergy then she could’ve died; this water is filthy!”

(A man who has been listening in, nonchalantly walks past and pipes up.)

Man: “Don’t worry, love; the chemicals in the pool will kill your daughter much sooner than that peanut.”

(The man took the peanut out of my hand and ate it, then walked off, leaving the woman speechless, and me trying to stifle a smirk.)

Failing At Absolutely Everything

, , , , , , | Learning | May 30, 2018

(I am an exam invigilator at a university. The students have been filing into the exam hall and finding their allocated seats.)

Me: “We have given each of you a black pen for this exam. You are free to use your own, but they are there if you need them. I know they look red with the top, but I assure you: they are black.”

Student: “Isn’t that a bit racist?”

Me: “What?”

Student: “Only offering black. It’s like you’re saying black people are only here to do our work for us.”

(She looks around at some of the black students, trying to gain support. Most of them look away while others stare at her in disbelief.)

Me: “You’re only allowed to write in black or blue during this exam, and we only have black pens at the moment because that is what was ordered.”

Student: *rolls her eyes* “Still sounds pretty sexist to me.”

Other Student: *mumbles* “Sounds f****** stupid to me.”

(She glared at him as several of the students around us laughed. I asked for any questions and began the exam. During the 50 minutes, she stared at me repeatedly with a smug expression. At the end of the day I bumped into one of the lecturers/tutors in the car park, who told me the student had complained about me “bullying her into submission” because she disagreed with the racist practices at the university. The tutor was surprised and confused because the student hadn’t fully explained what had happened. After explaining fully, the tutor sighed and told me she would handle everything, and not to worry about it. It was quite satisfying when a few months later during resits, I could hear the student outside the hall, saying how she had gotten someone fired for “flagrant racism and misogyny,” only to see her face deflate when I opened the door to let everyone in.)

Skirting Around The Real Issue

, , , , , | Friendly | February 5, 2018

(My friend and I are both girls, and we both do cosplay. I am at her house and we’re both working on costumes for an upcoming convention. She has finished most of the skirt prior to me arriving, and she’s fussing over what is essentially a wonky seam on the petticoat.)

Friend: “It’s just not going correctly!”

Me: “When you put it on, is it visible?”

Friend: “I don’t think so?”

Me: “Put the skirt on.”

(She puts the skirt on. The bit she doesn’t like is pretty much right between her legs and hidden within the folds of the skirt.)

Me: “That doesn’t matter, hun.”

Friend: “But what if someone notices it’s not right?”

Me: “It can only be seen if someone sticks their head up your skirt and puts their face in your crotch. You would have bigger things to worry about than a wonky hem in that situation.”

Page 1/212