Peanut Versus Chlorine

, , , , | Right | July 9, 2018

(I’m a lifeguard on position in an adventure water park. I’m patrolling beside a pool no deeper than most adults’ shins. Despite it being designed mainly for toddlers, the pool is teeming with parents, and just one or two children. A woman approaches me:)

Guest: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Is everything okay? How can I help?”

Guest: “I’ve found something; I think it’s a contaminate.”

Me: “Oh, would you mind showing me?”

(She leads me over to the edge of the pool, where it’s about a foot deep, and points to something lying on the bottom. I bend down to pick it up.)

Me: “It’s a peanut.”

Guest: “It’s worse than I thought! If my daughter had had a peanut allergy then she could’ve died; this water is filthy!”

(A man who has been listening in, nonchalantly walks past and pipes up.)

Man: “Don’t worry, love; the chemicals in the pool will kill your daughter much sooner than that peanut.”

(The man took the peanut out of my hand and ate it, then walked off, leaving the woman speechless, and me trying to stifle a smirk.)

Failing At Absolutely Everything

, , , , , , | Learning | May 30, 2018

(I am an exam invigilator at a university. The students have been filing into the exam hall and finding their allocated seats.)

Me: “We have given each of you a black pen for this exam. You are free to use your own, but they are there if you need them. I know they look red with the top, but I assure you: they are black.”

Student: “Isn’t that a bit racist?”

Me: “What?”

Student: “Only offering black. It’s like you’re saying black people are only here to do our work for us.”

(She looks around at some of the black students, trying to gain support. Most of them look away while others stare at her in disbelief.)

Me: “You’re only allowed to write in black or blue during this exam, and we only have black pens at the moment because that is what was ordered.”

Student: *rolls her eyes* “Still sounds pretty sexist to me.”

Other Student: *mumbles* “Sounds f****** stupid to me.”

(She glared at him as several of the students around us laughed. I asked for any questions and began the exam. During the 50 minutes, she stared at me repeatedly with a smug expression. At the end of the day I bumped into one of the lecturers/tutors in the car park, who told me the student had complained about me “bullying her into submission” because she disagreed with the racist practices at the university. The tutor was surprised and confused because the student hadn’t fully explained what had happened. After explaining fully, the tutor sighed and told me she would handle everything, and not to worry about it. It was quite satisfying when a few months later during resits, I could hear the student outside the hall, saying how she had gotten someone fired for “flagrant racism and misogyny,” only to see her face deflate when I opened the door to let everyone in.)

Skirting Around The Real Issue

, , , , , | Friendly | February 5, 2018

(My friend and I are both girls, and we both do cosplay. I am at her house and we’re both working on costumes for an upcoming convention. She has finished most of the skirt prior to me arriving, and she’s fussing over what is essentially a wonky seam on the petticoat.)

Friend: “It’s just not going correctly!”

Me: “When you put it on, is it visible?”

Friend: “I don’t think so?”

Me: “Put the skirt on.”

(She puts the skirt on. The bit she doesn’t like is pretty much right between her legs and hidden within the folds of the skirt.)

Me: “That doesn’t matter, hun.”

Friend: “But what if someone notices it’s not right?”

Me: “It can only be seen if someone sticks their head up your skirt and puts their face in your crotch. You would have bigger things to worry about than a wonky hem in that situation.”

They’ll Get It In A Minute

, , , , | Right | December 6, 2017

(I work at an amusement park. I’m just heading on my break when a guest approaches me.)

Guest: “Excuse me, what time does [ride] open?”

Me: “Eleven o’clock.”

Guest: “And what time is it now?”

Me: “Twenty-five minutes to eleven.”

Guest: “So, how long do I have to wait?”