(I’m volunteering at a college basketball game. A fellow volunteer and I are tasked with checking bags at the pre-game party for donors to an alumni organization. Many of the people attending this party are older and attend every single game, so they know the drill. Bags are searched to prevent people from bringing in alcohol or outside food.)

Me: “Hello. Can I check your bag?”

Customer: “Sure, hon.” *she holds her purse open for me*

Me: “Could you pull that out for me, please?”

(I indicate what looks to be a ziplock bag, as it is underneath a few of her items and I cannot see what is in it.)

Customer: “Alrighty.”

(The customer pulls out the bag, which I can now see contains several Tootsie Rolls.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to leave that here. We don’t allow any outside food.”

Customer: “But I have to bring them in! It’s tradition!”

Me: “I apologize, but you have to leave them here.”

Customer: “You don’t understand! I’m bringing them for my friend. He passes them out every time at halftime to make sure [Home Team] wins!”

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t let you take them in. It’s the stadium’s policy.”

Customer: “Well, then, if [Home Team] loses it’ll be all your fault!”

Me: *doing my very best to remain serious* “I guess I’ll have to take that risk.”

(Her team did lose. The group I volunteer with jokingly threatened to make me apologize to the players.)

(I work at a hockey stadium ticket booth. A customer is using the ‘F’ word a ridiculous amount of times. Everyone is getting tired of this guy, but none faster than the six-year-old girl behind him in line.)

Little Girl:  “My mom says if ya can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”

Crowd: *various sounds of agreement and thanks that she said what they felt they couldn’t*

Customer: “Well, your mom must be a [10-second string of words and phrases that should NEVER be spoken to a child, EVER].”

Little Girl:  *crinkles her face up* “If you followed that rule you’d never talk again!”

(The crowd laughed loudly at the remark, and the foul-mouthed customer and his friend were shamed out of line. I comped half her father’s order.)

Related:
From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 8
From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 7
From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 6
From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 5
From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 4

(I’m seven. My family’s just about to leave from watching my sister’s soccer practice. Since I think soccer’s boring, I have passed the time by playing her friend’s Game Boy. Now I’m jealous and I want one very badly. My parents are notoriously cheap, and never got us kids anything except socks and underwear for Christmas.)

Me: *excited* “Dad! You know what you can get me for Christmas?”

Dad: “What?”

Me: “A Game Boy!”

Dad: “No way.”

Me: *whining* “Why not?”

Dad: “Your grades haven’t been good.”

Me: “They’re average! Nothing wrong with being average. At least they’re not bad. C’mon, Dad. Please?”

Dad: “No. And, besides…”

Me: “Besides what?”

Dad: “It’s not made for you.”

Me: “Huh?”

Dad: “It’s called a Game BOY. It’s made only for boys.”

Me: “DAD!”

Dad: “If they come out with a Game Girl, I’ll get you one of those.”

(My new boyfriend and I are at our high school football game. We are standing at halftime, and he doesn’t talk much due to his lisp. When he does, people don’t mind.)

Me: “To tell the truth, I’m slightly jealous of you.”

Boyfriend: “Why?”

Me: “Because when you talk, people don’t care about your speech impediment.”

(Note: I have a very strong stutter that I have managed to control when I’m calm, but is always there when my heart elevates.)

Boyfriend: “You don’t have a lisp though.”

(My heart is starting to race, since I haven’t told anyone about the stutter.)

Me: “I-I-I-I do, I do, I do have a stutter though. It’s, it’s, always there when I’m nervous most-mostly.”

Boyfriend: “Aww! You sound so cute!”

Me: “Well, same to-to-to-to-GAH! I hate this!”

Boyfriend: “If we combine us, the result will be a highly intelligent, attractive person, who is highly social, but then speaks and sounds like an adorable five year old!”