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Standards Are Slipper-ing

| Romantic | August 21, 2014

(It’s my first year playing on my women’s rugby team, so I’m being rookied. Part of that is having to wear this dress the team picked out for me any time that I’m not playing. It’s actually a really pretty dress, and I get a lot of compliments on it. Also, this tournament is both men’s and women’s, and a lot of the teams just camp on the field. At this point, I’m walking back to my team’s camp with a teammate after dark.)

Random Drunk Player: “Hey! Hey, you! Pretty girl! You look like Cinderella! If I find your glass slipper, will you agree to have sex with me behind that outhouse over there?”

(I was really tempted to say yes, just to see what he’d come up with!)

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Watch Your Tongues

, | Working | August 19, 2014

(In this story I am the employee. I’m currently working a football stadium in Brazil, and I’m the only multi-lingual employee in my area, as it is not a huge game. I’m waiting, in a food area that has a phone, to escort a disabled English fan to their seat, and I am making conversation with the Portuguese manager and employee.)

Manager: *in Portuguese* “When are you expecting the call?”

Me: “In a couple of minutes. Then I’ll head down and take them up.”

Employee: “Do you need anything?”

Me: “Nah, I’ve got a key.”

(Suddenly a group of obviously Spanish speaking fans show up and start working through the menu together.)

Manager: “I hate to ask, but our Spanish speaking server is on a break. Could you…?”

Me: “Oh! No problem!” *switching to Spanish to take the group’s orders* “How can I help you all?”

Fan #1: *in Spanish* “Thank you! Yes, I think we have it all figured out. We’ll need two [sodas] and three [other type of sodas], and…”

(Just then, the phone rings. I explain to them I’ll need a second as I’m supposed to be escorting a disabled fan up. They’re very understanding and tell me to take my time.)

Me: *in English* “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello! Yes, I’m down here with my daughter. We requested disabled seating.”

Me: “Oh! Yes, I’ll be there to escort you. Give me a minute to walk down.”

Caller: “No, no, no! Sorry, see, we’re having trouble finding our way, and instead of bothering another employee we hoped you would help us with directions? We’re at the red entrance.”

Me: “Yes, I know where you are. See, first… Uh, I just remembered I’m working with someone right now.”

Caller: “Oh, we’ll wait.”

Me: *to the fans, in Spanish* “All right, sorry. What else do you need?”

(He starts to list off his order, but I continue returning to the phone. Finally I get the disabled group to the meeting point.)

Manager: *in Portuguese* “Do you need to go now?”

Me: *in Spanish, which he does not understand* “Let me finish their order.” *to fans, in English* “Okay, so let me finish you off and we’ll get your food.”

Fan #1: *in English, struggling slightly* “Uh… three bag of chips. Please.”

Me: “Why are you speaking English?”

Fan #1: *laughing* “Because you are!”

(The phone rings from security that I need to go escort the group now.)

Me: *on phone, in Portuguese* “You’re ready? Good. I’ll be down momentarily.”

(I finally notice what I’ve just done.)

Me: *in English* “You understood none of that.”

Caller: *laughing* “Absolutely none!”

(We all had a good laugh about it and I quickly finished the group’s orders and escorted the disabled fan to her seat. My coworkers still joke about my ‘two language limit.’)

This story is part of our Brazil roundup!

Read the next Brazil roundup story!

Read the Brazil roundup

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Their Team Aren’t On A (Tootsie) Roll

| Right | March 21, 2014

(I’m volunteering at a college basketball game. A fellow volunteer and I are tasked with checking bags at the pre-game party for donors to an alumni organization. Many of the people attending this party are older and attend every single game, so they know the drill. Bags are searched to prevent people from bringing in alcohol or outside food.)

Me: “Hello. Can I check your bag?”

Customer: “Sure, hon.” *she holds her purse open for me*

Me: “Could you pull that out for me, please?”

(I indicate what looks to be a ziplock bag, as it is underneath a few of her items and I cannot see what is in it.)

Customer: “Alrighty.”

(The customer pulls out the bag, which I can now see contains several Tootsie Rolls.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to leave that here. We don’t allow any outside food.”

Customer: “But I have to bring them in! It’s tradition!”

Me: “I apologize, but you have to leave them here.”

Customer: “You don’t understand! I’m bringing them for my friend. He passes them out every time at halftime to make sure [Home Team] wins!”

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t let you take them in. It’s the stadium’s policy.”

Customer: “Well, then, if [Home Team] loses it’ll be all your fault!”

Me: *doing my very best to remain serious* “I guess I’ll have to take that risk.”

(Her team did lose. The group I volunteer with jokingly threatened to make me apologize to the players.)

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From The Mouth Of Babes, Part 6

, , , , | Right | March 18, 2014

(I work at a hockey stadium ticket booth. A customer is using the ‘F’ word a ridiculous amount of times. Everyone is getting tired of this guy, but none faster than the six-year-old girl behind him in line.)

Little Girl:  “My mom says if ya can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”

Crowd: *various sounds of agreement and thanks that she said what they felt they couldn’t*

Customer: “Well, your mom must be a [10-second string of words and phrases that should NEVER be spoken to a child, EVER].”

Little Girl:  *crinkles her face up* “If you followed that rule you’d never talk again!”

(The crowd laughed loudly at the remark, and the foul-mouthed customer and his friend were shamed out of line. I comped half her father’s order.)

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Dad’s Game Plan

| Related | December 17, 2013

(I’m seven. My family’s just about to leave from watching my sister’s soccer practice. Since I think soccer’s boring, I have passed the time by playing her friend’s Game Boy. Now I’m jealous and I want one very badly. My parents are notoriously cheap, and never got us kids anything except socks and underwear for Christmas.)

Me: *excited* “Dad! You know what you can get me for Christmas?”

Dad: “What?”

Me: “A Game Boy!”

Dad: “No way.”

Me: *whining* “Why not?”

Dad: “Your grades haven’t been good.”

Me: “They’re average! Nothing wrong with being average. At least they’re not bad. C’mon, Dad. Please?”

Dad: “No. And, besides…”

Me: “Besides what?”

Dad: “It’s not made for you.”

Me: “Huh?”

Dad: “It’s called a Game BOY. It’s made only for boys.”

Me: “DAD!”

Dad: “If they come out with a Game Girl, I’ll get you one of those.”

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