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Full Of Pee And Empty Of Direction

, , , , , , | Right | January 13, 2023

I work at a football stadium as an usher, mainly giving directions to customers. Most of them are okay, but we get the odd one who gets aggressive and angry, especially if they’ve been drinking.

The toilets are placed around the first floor of the stadium, about 100 meters apart, with male and female toilets alternating. I am stationed outside the female toilet when a male customer asks for directions to the male toilet. I point to the left.

Me: “Just down that way.”

Customer: “How far is it?”

Me: “About a hundred meters.”

He starts yelling.

Customer: “What?! Why is it so far? How come the male toilet is so far away when the female toilet is right here?”

Me: “Every second toilet is a men’s toilet so—”

Customer: “It’s discrimination! I’m not going all the way down there!”

There is also another men’s toilet down the stairs opposite me, but I usually don’t suggest it first because most customers seem to hate using stairs. I realise that some people have genuine reasons for not wanting to or not being able to, but I doubt that is the case here.

Me: “Well, if you head down those stairs, just one flight down—”

Customer: “I’m not using stairs!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Well?”

Me: “The men’s toilets are located down those stairs on the landing or a hundred meters to the left.”

He kept yelling and spluttering for a minute or two before, presumably, his bladder got the better of him and he headed off to the left. I don’t know how he expected me to move the toilets closer for him with my mind.

A Badly-Rounded Argument

, , , , | Right | January 2, 2023

I work as an usher in a football stadium, mostly giving directions to customers. Sometimes they don’t believe me when I tell them where things are, so I have to wonder why they even asked me if they didn’t think I would know.

Customer: “Can you tell me where the [Popular Fast Food Chain] is?”

Me: *Pointing* “It’s down there to the right.”

Customer: “No, it’s not!”

Me: “I can assure you that it is. I can show you on the map if you like.”

Customer: “I’ve just been down there and it’s not there!”

Me: “Perhaps you didn’t walk far enough? It’s about 300 meters—”

Customer: “It’s not there!”

Me: “Um… Well, it was there this morning when I passed it on my way here from the break room.”

He called me some insulting names and stormed off in the wrong direction. The stadium is round, so if he walked far enough, he would eventually get to his destination that way; it would just take him quite a while.

At Least You Didn’t Tan Her Hide Over It

, , , , , | Working | January 18, 2022

I forgot my jacket at a baseball game. The next game I attended, I went to Lost & Found.

Me: “I’m looking for a tan windbreaker with dark blue lining, made by [Retailer]. I left it here during the last game.”

The employee consulted her list for quite a while.

Employee: “No, we have one a lot like that, but it is listed as beige.”

Once I had convinced her that beige and tan were more or less synonyms, she consented to go get the jacket, which, of course, was mine.

There’s Snow Way That’s A Good Idea

, , , , , , , | Learning | September 24, 2021

Every year, my graduate program brings in a crop of new potential students for an “interview weekend.” Knowing that these students are visiting other schools as well, we try to make sure that they not only learn about the program but also have a good time.

One year, we book a banquet hall for a nice dinner on the last night of the interview weekend. It’s a fancy catered meal with current students, potential students, and professors. This particular banquet hall happens to be attached to a major league baseball stadium, though it’s not currently baseball season. From the windows of the hall, we can see the empty field covered in snow while we eat dinner.

[Professor] is the youngest professor in the department, and though he’s a nice guy, he’s constantly trying to show the students that he’s the “cool” professor. After dinner ends, he stands up and taps on his glass for everyone’s attention.

Professor: “I hear there’s been some interest in going down onto the field to run the bases at [Stadium].”

Students: “Yaaaay!”

Professor: “Well, I asked if we could, and they said we can’t.”

Students: “Awww.”

Professor: “But WHO WANTS TO DO IT ANYWAY?!”

He stood up. Immediately, about fifty students stood up, as well, and followed him out into the hall. Admittedly, I was one of them. Hey, if a professor is leading the charge, he’d be the one to get in trouble, right?

He led us on a march through hallways, down stairs, and through doors. At some point, I think we crossed a sky bridge from the banquet hall into the stadium itself, which I had assumed would be locked in some way, but it wasn’t.

During our march, a few of us got cold feet — a passing custodian warned us that we’d get arrested — so we positioned ourselves where we could see the field and just watched to see what would happen.

Apparently, [Professor] and the mob of students were able to make their way right to the double doors that led directly onto the field. A friend of mine says that, in retrospect, he thinks [Professor]’s plan was to get to those doors, show they couldn’t be opened, and lead the disappointed but excited grad students back to the banquet hall.

Instead, the double doors opened. [Professor] turned around, shocked, only to be mown down by a mob of gleeful students that he had unleashed on the empty stadium. From my vantage on the sky bridge, I saw students running the bases, throwing snowballs, and making snow angels in the outfield. Some kind of loud alarm instantly started blaring, and security removed everyone from the field. Our entire department was then kicked out of the banquet hall and told we were banned for life.

I never found out what happened to [Professor]. But I did hear that our wonderful administrators, as soon as they heard what happened, sent flowers and apologies to the staff at the banquet hall. When the following year’s interview weekend rolled around, we were somehow allowed back!

A Titan-ic Jerk

, , , , | Right | June 29, 2021

I work concessions.

Customer: “Hi, can I get a Titan?”

Our Titan burger is $12. It’s three patties, nacho cheese, sliced cheese, chili, Fritos, lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion, jalapeños, and finally, hot fries, all on a burger. It’s massive.

Me: “Oh, yeah, for sure. Can I get a name for the order?”

Customer: “Um, no. Why do you want my name? There’s no reason to need it… creep.”

Me: “Oh, no, I’m in the middle of making burgers and it’ll be a fifteen-minute wait before they’re ready.”

Customer: “It doesn’t take that long for a f****** burger.”

Me: “There are five orders in front of you. So your name?”

Customer: “No. I’m not giving you my name.”

Me: “Um, okay. Well, how do I get your burger to you?”

Customer:Young lady! Do you know who my husband is?!”

Me: “No, I don’t. I’m sorry?”

Customer: “My husband is an umpire here. You will show me respect!”

Me: “That’s not how this works. You’re yelling at me for no reason. Yes, your husband may be an umpire, but that does not give you the right to yell at me.”

Customer: “For this disgusting behavior of yours, I want everything free now!”

Me: “The best I can do for you is a half-off discount, making your total $6 instead of $12, since umpires and their families get half price.”

Customer: “You know what, b****?!  F*** you. I’m taking my business elsewhere!”