A Titan-ic Jerk

, , , , | Right | June 29, 2021

I work concessions.

Customer: “Hi, can I get a Titan?”

Our Titan burger is $12. It’s three patties, nacho cheese, sliced cheese, chili, Fritos, lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion, jalapeños, and finally, hot fries, all on a burger. It’s massive.

Me: “Oh, yeah, for sure. Can I get a name for the order?”

Customer: “Um, no. Why do you want my name? There’s no reason to need it… creep.”

Me: “Oh, no, I’m in the middle of making burgers and it’ll be a fifteen-minute wait before they’re ready.”

Customer: “It doesn’t take that long for a f****** burger.”

Me: “There are five orders in front of you. So your name?”

Customer: “No. I’m not giving you my name.”

Me: “Um, okay. Well, how do I get your burger to you?”

Customer:Young lady! Do you know who my husband is?!”

Me: “No, I don’t. I’m sorry?”

Customer: “My husband is an umpire here. You will show me respect!”

Me: “That’s not how this works. You’re yelling at me for no reason. Yes, your husband may be an umpire, but that does not give you the right to yell at me.”

Customer: “For this disgusting behavior of yours, I want everything free now!”

Me: “The best I can do for you is a half-off discount, making your total $6 instead of $12, since umpires and their families get half price.”

Customer: “You know what, b****?!  F*** you. I’m taking my business elsewhere!”

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They’re Not Cut From The Same Watermelon, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | November 6, 2020

I work at a minor league baseball stadium. We have a picnic terrace used for gatherings, and we offer a buffet, as well. We don’t allow outside food or drinks, but customers sometimes sneak in small stuff from home.

Customer: *Holding a watermelon* “Can you cut this up for me?”

Coworker: *Visibly confused* “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?” 

Customer: “I already have a knife. Can you cut up my watermelon?”

She is gesturing to her husband with a twelve-inch kitchen knife wrapped in cloth.

Coworker: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m not allowed to.”

Customer: “Why not?”

She is getting annoyed and frustrated at being told “no” once.

Customer’s Husband: “Hey, we can just cut it at the table.”

He tries leading her away.

Me: “Did that really just happen?”

Coworker: “How the h*** did she sneak in a watermelon?”

Me: “How the h*** did they sneak in a kitchen knife?!”

We did let the nearest officer know. The knife was taken without much hassle. The woman claimed she didn’t know she couldn’t bring a knife, and the watermelon was taken but returned after the game.

They’re Not Cut From The Same Watermelon

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This Stadium Will Rise From The Ashes!

, , , , , | Right | July 10, 2020

I work for a major sports team at their stadium. A common request from diehard fans is to have their ashes scattered on the playing field after they pass. The team’s policy is to deny such requests.

One day, a small plane flies over the stadium and a container is seen falling from the plane onto the roof and bouncing off. The plane is from a company that contracts with families to scatter cremains at about 1,500 feet in the air, usually over the water or up in the mountains. In this case, the drop mechanism malfunctioned, and rather than scattering the cremains into the air, the whole container dropped off the plane.

Since everybody is very jumpy about potential terrorism, someone calls 911 and the fire department calls for a complete hazmat response: suspicious white powder dropped from a low-flying plane.

The stadium is completely evacuated and the streets around the stadium are blocked off for several hours, all because of some ashes!

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Math Has Been Working For At Least That Long, Yes

, , , , , , , | Working | April 7, 2020

I’m at my local roller derby game, and I decide that a beverage is just right for the occasion.

A local brewery is supplying the beers, and the bar is run by skaters from the league.

I buy two beers, and the total comes to something like $18. I hand the lady a $20 and three dollars in change. She looks at me weirdly and says, “It’s only $18.”

I reply, “It’s so you can give me a $5 note instead of coins.”  

“Oh! That’s clever. Did you work it out when you were queueing up?”

I just let it slide, thank the lovely lady, and leave with my cans.

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God Bless Boston

, , , , , , , , , | Friendly | March 1, 2020

I’m at a hockey game waiting in line for a drink. A few people ahead of me in the next line over there were this mother and son. It was clear the boy had some sort of mental handicap. 

As this guy who had just bought drinks and food was walking away from the counter, the boy accidentally ran into him and knocked everything out of the guy’s arms. But, even after seeing that this boy clearly had a handicap, and after his mother apologized several times and offered to pay for all of his food and drinks, instead of exercising a little patience or showing a little human decency, this guy said:

“Are you f****** kidding me?! He shouldn’t be allowed out in public! What kind of person brings someone like him out around other people? From now on, try keeping your d*** [ableist slur] on a leash!”

Just as a couple of people in line started to move forward and shut this jerk up, an older woman — maybe in her mid-60s — walked up to him and just slapped him right across the face! 

She said, “You are the only disgrace that I see! How dare you speak to another person like that?! Who on Earth raised you? If I were your mother, I would be embarrassed, and you should feel so ashamed.” 

And then, to top it all off… another gentleman in line paid for this mother and her son’s food and the jerk stormed off, empty-handed and pouting. 

God, I love Bostonians.

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