I get sleep paralysis most of the time, and I always wake up screaming, very loudly. There are many stories related to my episodes.

So, my maternal grandma is a bit… not that nice a person. Since in Sri Lanka, many people actually follow voodoo and stuff, and my grandma is one of them, she depends on astrology. We all hate her. Just a few days ago, she overstayed her welcome.

I walked into the kitchen only to see my mom, her sisters, and my cousins laughing and cheering.

Me: “What did I miss?”

Mom: “Do you remember waking up in the middle of the night?”

Me: “No, I fell asleep at two or something. Why… did I scream again?”

Mom: “You woke up around 4 AM, went to my mother’s room, you placed a few onions, a jar of salt, and a spatula near her feet.”

Older Cousin: “Apparently, according to her, you are up to no good and were trying to cast a spell on her. You scared her so much she vowed to never return, ever again.”

Me: “I don’t remember anything, but good riddance.”

Me: “What browser are you on?”

Client: “Google.”

Me: “Google Chrome?”

Client: “No, just regular Google.”

Me: “That’s the site. I want to know the browser.”

Client: “Google.”

Me: “No.”

Client: “Look, we can have this conversation forever, man. But when I hit the Internet logo, Google comes up!”

Me: “Okay… What does that ‘Internet logo’ look like?”

Client: “A fiery fox, I guess. But that’s irrelevant.”

In 1936, my great-grandfather left the Royal Navy with the rank of Chief Petty Officer after 22 years of service. He then joined the Admiralty as a Naval Paymaster. During the war, he was posted to Ceylon, now Sri Lanka. Much to his chagrin, the authorities insisted that he be given a formal rank and appointed him Lieutenant-Commander. Although he had a uniform, he swore that he would never wear it.

One day, a US Sub-Lieutenant needed some information from him and demanded that he presented it to him on board his vessel the following morning. My great-grandfather went home and asked his wife to lay out his dress uniform.

“But [Great-Grandfather], you said you would never wear it.”

“[Great-Grandmother], tomorrow, I am making an exception.”

The following morning he arrived at the US vessel, in uniform, and was piped aboard. The vessel’s captain, being massively out-ranked by a Naval Lieutenant-Commander, asked very respectfully what he wanted. My great-grandfather said that Mr. [US Sub-Lieutenant] had demanded that he bring this information to him and therefore he was doing so.

One hopes that the US Sub-Lieutenant was never again quite so high-handed with a “civilian” worker, and also that he recovered from the chewing-out that he will have received from his captain.

(I am a foreign tourist traveling in Sri Lanka. I am perusing the goods of a local spice vendor.)

Me: “How much is your saffron?”

Vendor: “For you, my friend, I’ll sell to you at [price that is similar to what I would normally pay in my home country].”

Me: “Aww, gee, I don’t think that’s going to work for me. And how come your saffron powder is so much cheaper than your saffron threads?”

(I point to a large jar full of orange-colored powder that is clearly marked, “SAFFRON,” with a price that is unrealistically low.)

Vendor: “Uh, well, you see, the reason it’s so cheap is because that’s actually turmeric. I keep the real stuff behind the counter.”

Me: “Thanks for your time.” *walks away*

(I appreciated that he was being honest with me, but that doesn’t make it okay to lie to other people!)