Don’t Lick It Or You’ll Have Bad Breath Of The Wild

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 11, 2019

(Conversations like this are the normal thing in my household.)

Me: “Hmm… So, I am thinking about being dumb.”

Husband: “Oh?”

Me: “Because Nintendo Switch cartridges are so tiny, Nintendo has them coated in a non-toxic substance that tastes horrible to prevent them from being swallowed by little kids.”

Husband: “Oh, no.”

Me: “And Breath of the Wild is the only cartridge I have, but I’m tempted to pop it out and lick it just to see if it is true.”

Husband: *monotone* “That would be dumb, honey.”

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So Rude You Couldn’t Even Make Up

, , , | Working | January 22, 2019

(This happens on my way to work. I work in a call center where the dress code is business formal. I normally do a pair of black slacks and a cute but nice shirt. Today I am a bit extra and I am in my tan khakis and a red button-up shirt. I top it with my tan deck shoes and even wear an extra shirt to avoid a panty line showing. I stop at a convenience store for a drink before work, the same cashier that always helps me is there he smiles as I approach, and this happens.)

Cashier: “Hey! You look nice today.”

Me: “Oh, thank you. Yeah, decided to be a bit extra today.”

Cashier: *smirks at me* “So, who are you trying to impress, someone in the office?”

Me: “Pardon? Oh, no, I just wanted to look nice; that is all.”

Cashier: “Oh, well, I was about to say, you spent so much time on the outfit and hair but you didn’t apply any makeup; not going to go far.”

Me: *after handing him the drink* “Can you please ring me up? I need to get to work.”

(I don’t know if it was the tone of my voice, but the rest of the transaction was in silence.)

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Seriously, Employees Need To Pee, Too

, , , , | Right | January 4, 2019

(I work at a coffee kiosk at the back of a grocery. There are bathrooms in the break room, but you’re not supposed to go there unless you’re actually on break, and they’re on the other side of the store, so when we need to use the toilet while on-shift, we use the one at the front of the store that’s shared with customers. It’s a single-person bathroom, but that’s usually not a problem because not too many customers really ever need to use it at the same time. One day, I’ve just left my counter after my coworker came back from lunch, and it’s not thirty seconds after I’ve locked the door that I hear a woman outside it.)

Woman: *tries the knob without knocking* “Ugh. Seriously?”

(I figure she can just hold on a moment, and continue to use the bathroom. Not ten seconds later…)

Woman: *louder* “Seriously?!”

(A few more seconds pass. Then, again…)

Woman:Seriously?!

(Then, she grabs the handle and starts jerking at it like she’s trying to rip the door from the frame.)

Me: *slightly panicked because I’m not really sure the lock will hold* “I’ll be just a moment, ma’am!”

(Still, the woman keeps repeating, growing louder and louder, “Seriously? Seriously?!” I finish and flush, hoping the sound will shut her up because she’ll know I’m almost out, and yet, once again…)

Woman: *practically screaming* “SERIOUSLY?!”

(I debate taking extra long washing my hands just to spite her, but I don’t want to deal with it, so I just scrub up quick. I’ve just grabbed a paper towel when I hear the lady call through the door:)

Woman: “I’m going to call 911!”

(Then, she starts speaking quieter and sounds muffled.)

Woman: “Hello, 911?”

(I yanked the door open, thinking she was actually calling them, only to have her turn towards the door, having been facing away and hunched over, talking into her palm with no phone in sight. She looked smug, then stared me up and down with clear disgust — I assume because I was in uniform and therefore just a lowly employee — then huffed, slammed the door, and shouted once more from inside, “UGH! SERIOUSLY?!” Shaking my head, I walked back to my counter and looked at the clock. I had been away from my station for all of five minutes, including walking back and forth to the front of the store. Heads up for those who apparently don’t realize: employees need to pee, too, and there’s such a thing as a shy bladder; shouting through the door is probably just making everything take longer!)

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Why Won’t You Christmas Leave?!

, , , , , | Right | December 24, 2018

(I’m closing the restaurant on Christmas Eve and cleaning out the bathrooms when I miss this call.)

Coworker: “Hello! This is [Restaurant, Location]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. Just making sure you were still open. We would like [everyday burger deal] to go. We’ll be at the restaurant in twenty minutes.”

Coworker: “We close at 7:30 tonight.”

Customer: “What the f*** is wrong with you? Some of us are hungry!”

(This particular coworker has four children, has been there since nine am, and has had a splitting headache the whole shift. Obviously, she is tired of being there.)

Coworker: “No, what is wrong with you?! It’s Christmas Eve; we want to go home to our families! The grill has been closed and completely cleaned off. Everything in our restaurant is cleaned off. You are not getting any food from us tonight.”

Customer: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Yes, I am, if you want to leave a complaint, here’s the store number, my name is [Coworker], and here is the number for corporate.” *click*

(The manager who is busy cleaning equipment runs over.)

Manager: “What happened?”

(The coworker gives an explanation.)

Manager: “For dealing with that phone call for me, you can go ahead and clock out.”

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Seasonal Holiday Workers Surprised When Told They Have To Work The Holidays

, , , , , | Working | November 7, 2018

(It’s the end of September and the store where I work starts taking applications for temporary seasonal workers. My boyfriend and I are out on a double date with his best friend and his new girlfriend, when the topic of work comes up and I casually mention this fact. As it turns out, the new girlfriend has never held a job before, is looking to get a bit of experience, and asks if I could get her an application. The next day, I pick up an application after my shift is over and head back to the apartment my boyfriend and I share to find that his best friend and his girlfriend have stopped by for an impromptu video game night. I hand her the application, instruct her to fill it out, and head over to the store the next day to turn it in. As she isn’t interested in video games like the rest of us, she spends the evening filling out the application. I think nothing more of it until she has a question.)

Girlfriend: “So, what do I do about time off requests?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Girlfriend: “I have plans to go back to my parents for the holidays this year. They’ve already bought the plane tickets, so I can’t exactly cancel on them. They’d understand, right?”

Me: “I’m sure they’d understand, but as you’re applying for temporary seasonal work, how long you’ll be gone may affect their decision to consider you. If it’s only for a couple of days for Christmas or something, you might be fine, but I would certainly bring it up if you get called for an interview.”

Girlfriend: “It’s… not exactly for a couple of days.”

(It turns out this girl is planning on going back home for a week for Thanksgiving, meaning she won’t be available to work Thanksgiving Day or Black Friday. She is also planning to go home for two weeks for Christmas and New Year’s, meaning she won’t be around for the last couple of shopping days before Christmas and any post-holiday sales or returns. Everyone knows those are the busiest times in retail, and it is because of the increase in business that stores hire temporary seasonal employees. I want to be tactful, but I end up blurting out the obvious.)

Me: “So, what you’re saying is you’ll be away for Thanksgiving Day as well as Black Friday, one of the busiest shopping days of the year, and you’ll be gone right before and after Christmas, which are always super busy?”

Girlfriend: “Well, yeah, but I’m fine with that. I’ve seen the videos, and I’ve heard the horror stories about Black Friday, and you’ve got to be crazy if you think I’d agree to work on a day like that for minimum wage.”

Me: *dumbfounded* “I should probably tell you that the job only lasts between ten to eleven weeks. If you’re already planning on being gone for three of those weeks, and those three weeks happen to be during the busiest times of the season, there’s probably a good chance they won’t consider you. I’m not saying you need to change your plans or anything, but I don’t want you to be surprised if you don’t get a call back for an interview. And that’s not just at [Store where I work]; that’s any retailer looking for temporary seasonal help.”

(The girlfriend submitted her application, anyway. No surprise that she didn’t get a call back for an interview.)

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