Laughable Legality

, , , , , | Romantic | November 30, 2017

(My partner is watching TV and starts laughing. They keep laughing for a good few minutes.)

Me: “Something funny?”

(They keep laughing, and then they fall off the couch. I wait for another minute. I’m vaguely worried they’re hysterical at this point.)

Me: “You okay?”

Partner: *finally catching their breath, quoting a commercial* “’Our legal team believes that, with the safety equipment available to car manufacturers, no one should ever get injured or killed in a car accident.’” *laughs* “’So, call us and we’ll sue ’em!’” *laughs*

Me: “Okay, then… I guess they’ve never heard of cliffs!”

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Very Bad Reception, Part 19

, , , , , | Working | November 27, 2017

Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Hi. Could I please speak to [Manager], please?”

Receptionist: *click*

(I phone again, thinking I was just disconnected by accident.)

Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Hi, I think—”

Receptionist: *click*

(Knowing she actually cut me off this time, I phone back again.)

Receptionist: “Hello, [Business].”

Me: “Why do you keep cutting me off?!”

Receptionist: “Because this is a cold call, and I’m told to hang up on them.”

Me: “Actually, I’m [Manager]’s husband, and I’d like to speak to him.”

Receptionist: “Yeah, right!” *laughing* “I’ve met his wife.” *click*

(Having had enough, I decide to just drive down.)

Receptionist: *smiling brightly* “Hello, welcome to [Business]. How can I help you?”

Me: “I’d like to speak to [Manager].”

Receptionist: “What reason do you have to speak to him? Do you have an appointment?”

Me: “I’m his husband, and no.”

(She realises who I am and sneers.)

Receptionist: *sarcastically* “Really? You’re that desperate?”

(Coincidently, my husband happens to walk by.)

Husband: “[My Name]? What are you doing here?”

Receptionist: “You know this degenerate?” *smugly* “I was just about to have him removed.”

Husband: “What? Why? He’s my husband!”

(The receptionist blushes and we stand in awkward silence for a few seconds.)

Me: *to the receptionist* “You want to explain?”

(The receptionist stammered through her explanation, with me inserting her claim that he had a wife after she neglected to mention it. My husband actually found it hilarious. She isn’t allowed near the phones anymore, though.)

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My Wife, My Love, My Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free Card

, , , , , | Romantic | November 25, 2017

(It’s our 25th wedding anniversary.)

Me: “You seem not so happy. Why? What’s on your mind, baby?”

Husband: “I just remembered this day 25 years ago. Your father told me to marry you or he would see to it that I went to jail for 25 years.”

Me: “Don’t mind him; he loves you and his grandchildren.”

Husband: “But I could have been out of jail today!”

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Childish Chocoholics

, , , , | Romantic | November 24, 2017

(Halloween isn’t an official holiday in Australia, although some children will trick or treat. We always buy chocolate just in case. The day after Halloween:)

Husband: *stuffing his face with chocolate* “It’s such a shame that all those kids came and took all our chocolate.”

Me: *stuffing my face with chocolate* “Yeah… Terrible.”

(No children came.)

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Mothering A Soon-To-Be Mother

, , , , , , , | Related | November 23, 2017

(Because I am showing signs of preeclampsia, my doctor decides to induce me. My mom comes from two states away to be there for the delivery, but I honestly wish she would have stayed away because she cannot behave herself.)

Mom: *jumping up and fondling my belly at the first signs of contractions* “I just hated people touching me when I was having contractions!”

(My husband sees the murderous glint in my eyes and turns to his mom, making a suggestion before I can say anything.)

Husband: “Ma? Why don’t you take our DVD player and you two go watch a movie in the waiting room? We’ll probably be here a while.”

(My mother-in-law catches the aura of pure pregnancy-hormone-enhanced rage coming from me while my mom continues her assault on my abdomen)

Mother-In-Law: “That’s a good idea. [Mom], let’s go out to the waiting room.”

Mom: *still oblivious* “We’re okay in here; aren’t we?”

Husband: “But you were saying you hadn’t watched [Movie] yet, and we brought it. Maybe you’d like a coffee or something while you watched it? And it’s so much quieter in the waiting room.”

Mother-In-Law: *talking my mom by the arm and firmly leading her away* “Coffee sounds great.”

(Later, when the OB/GYN is explaining the situation and recommending a C-section, my mom decides the Q&A is open-forum:)

Me: “What are the odds of labor progressing normally?”

OB-GYN: “I’d give it about 20%, but the longer you wait the more likely we are to see irreparable brain trauma because of oxygen deprivation.”

Husband: “What are the other options?”

OB-GYN: “Honestly? It’s either a nice, leisurely C-section now or an emergency one later.”

Mom: *deciding she’s going to ask the REAL questions* “And how soon can they go back to having sex?” *turning to me* “If you go with a natural labor, you can start having sex again sooner!”

OB-GYN: *ushering everyone out of the room when she sees the glint in my eye* “Okay. Why don’t we let them have some time to discuss this between themselves?”

(In all honesty, it takes us two seconds to decide; our sex life is far less of a priority than our son’s well-being! While I am in recovery and my husband is giving our son his first bath and helping with first shots, my mom is in the waiting room pacing and assaulting everyone wearing scrubs with demands of my condition when they walk by. Every time they explain that they don’t know, but that I am probably still in recovery because anaesthesia takes time to wear off, she becomes more agitated until:)

Mom: *after being told that the staff she is harassing didn’t know my condition* “You’re lying to me! You all just don’t want to tell us she died on the table! TELL ME WHAT’S HAPPENING!”

(They had to ask my husband to leave our son to assure her that I was still alive and, as the staff had said, still in recovery waiting until I could wiggle my toes. I’ve made a mental note to not tell her when I’m in labor if I ever have another child.)

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