Deadly Pillow Talk

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 4, 2017

(It’s our wedding anniversary and my husband’s cousin is congratulating us.)

Cousin: *to me* “I don’t know how you’ve put up with him so long. What’s the trick?”

Me: “He keeps struggling out from under the pillow.”

Husband: *nods*

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It’s Better Than Just Stopping At Aaron

, , , , , , , | Related | November 3, 2017

(My spouse and I are having our first child in a matter of weeks. Ultrasounds show that it is most likely going to be a girl.)

Mother: “What baby names have you picked out?”

(My spouse speaks Russian, and the due date is around our nation’s Thanksgiving holiday, so I decide to Google “thankful” in Russian just to see how badly it sounds phonetically in English. I am texting both my mother and spouse about it.)

Me: “Let’s name the baby Blagodarnyy. It’s a name full of gratitude. If it’s a girl it has to be Blagodarnaya.”

(After I don’t get an immediate response, I add some flavor for plausibility.)

Me: “Anaya for short.”

Mother: “Okie dokie, then. Russian? I like the Anaya. No Celtic names? With a surname like yours—”

Me: “I’m kidding, Mom.”

Mother: “Oh, for crying out loud! I was trying so hard to be a good mom and mind my own business, but Dad said, ‘That poor child.’ It had ‘blaggard’ and ‘darn ya’ all in one name. Good grief!”

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Have Reached Your Mac Potential

, , , , , | Romantic | November 3, 2017

(My wife likes to make mac and cheese from scratch, but I usually make it from a box.)

Wife: “Do we have any cheese?”

Me: “I think so.”

Wife: “If we do, I’ll make mac and cheese.”

Me: “Wait, why do you need cheese for mac and cheese?”

(I caught my error, but my wife teased me for a few minutes.)

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My Father, The Turncoat

, , , , | Related | November 1, 2017

(I’m in a bad mood at present, so I’m reading Not Always Right stories to try to divert myself from brooding. My parents and I have been invited out to dinner by relatives who live a two-minutes walk away. I don’t feel like going, because my mood is bad enough to bother other people, so I tell my parents so.)

Dad: “You’re staying in? We won’t bother taking keys, then.”

(This always annoys me. How hard is it to take the keys?)

Me: “No, you’d better take them, so you won’t get locked out in case I go out.”

Dad: *exasperated noise*

Me: “Do you want to find yourselves locked out and to have to find the spares at the relatives?”

Dad: *another noise*

Mum: “Let it go, [Dad]. She’s just in a bad mood, like you are when you get annoyed about nothing at all.”

(I burst out laughing at this point, and feel much better. Then I hear:)

Mum: “Put your coat on!”

Dad: “It’s just around the corner!”

Mum: “I don’t care; put it on anyway! It’s the middle of winter, it’s frosty, and your grandson had to come home from kindergarten because he was too cold. Put on the coat!”

(They’ve been married for nearly 50 years. It amazes me that he always tries to argue the point, when it would be quicker and easier just to put the coat on.)

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Not Your Happy Place

, , , , | Romantic | November 1, 2017

Me: “You know that ‘Happy’ song that you really hate?”

Husband: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “I heard it playing somewhere when I was out running errands today. You know that part where it goes something like, ‘if you feel like a room without a roof?’”

Husband: “Yeah, I guess.”

Me: “Well, I was thinking. A room without a roof, eh. Wouldn’t that be a cubicle?”

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