I have been an assistant manager for quite a few years now and I used to ask customers, “Delivery? Okay, is it going to [Address]?”

Then, this woman called.

Me: “Is this going to [Address] [Motel]?”

This woman flipped her lid!

Woman: “Why would it be going there? The last delivery went to [Motel]? [HUSBAND]! What the f*** were you doing at a motel?!”

She hung up on me.

Now I say, “And what’s the address you would like that delivered to?”

I’m married to a big ol’ cowboy. When I was in labor with our child, the only time we were separated was when they took him to get into scrubs. He’s such a big farm boy that none of the scrubs fit him. He ended up wearing the largest painter suit they could find. When he walked in, I burst into laughter.

Me: “You look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghostbusters!”

Twenty-six years later, it’s my go-to memory in stressful situations.

My husband recently decided to try his hand at making a sourdough starter — which he affectionately named Levi — and it turned out quite well. Knowing my sister likes to bake from scratch, he asked me if he should share some with her and I said it was a good idea.

My sister was very happy with the starter. She recently made a few loaves with it and sent one home with me after I came over to pet-sit. When I got home:

Me: “Hey, remember the sourdough starter from Levi you gave [Sister]?”

Husband: “Yeah.”

I hold up the sourdough loaf proudly.

Me: “Meet our grand-bread!”

[Husband] blinks at me and then bursts out laughing.

Husband: “‘Grand-bread.’ You are such a dork. I love you.”

I work in a hotel. On a slow Sunday evening, I briefly stepped away from the desk and returned to the glorious sound of a ringing phone.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel Chain]. My name is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi. I’m looking to check on a reservation, but it’s old. Are you able to do that?”

Me: “Sure. What’s the name and check-in date?”

She gives matching information and I look it up.

Me: “Okay, what are you trying to find out?”

Caller: “Well, I’m looking at the number of guests on the reservation, because my invoice says two, and I’m trying to figure out why.”

I check. The stay happened months before I started working at this property. There’s only a number — two — and no other guest name listed aside from the one on the reservation.

Me: “I see two people in the room but only one name on the reservation.”

Caller: “Why wouldn’t the other name be listed?”

Me: “It could be an oversight during the reservation creation or check-in process. I’m sorry, I don’t have any other information available beyond the number.”

Caller: “So, there’s no way to find out if there was anyone else in the room?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but if there was another person, their name wasn’t listed.”

I begin to hear a male talking in the background, saying something along the lines of, “I’m telling you, it was only me in the room!” At this point, my soul begins the process of escaping the clutches of my human form, fearful of what the future holds.

Caller: “What’d you say your name is?”

I tell her again. She then calls me by name and continues.

Caller: “My spouse was there with a little blonde thing. He’s twenty-eight and she’s twenty-two. He thinks it’s okay to do this kind of stuff behind my back and thinks I’m too stupid to find out.”

Me: “…”

They continue fighting. It’s a slow night, and they’ve invited me to the horror show that is their bubbling romance, so I take a seat, grab some popcorn, and listen to them argue for a few minutes.

Caller: “I’m sorry. I’m sure this is a strange call for you.”

No, of course not. This is totally normal. I continue to stay silent.

Caller: “There’s nothing else you can give me?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry.”

Caller: “Okay, well, have a good night.”

I hung up and went back to babysitting humanity.

When my husband and I got married, we asked a few close friends and immediate family members to stand with us at the courthouse. The week after our wedding, my brother-in-law came over with his wife. 

Brother-In-Law: “We didn’t have time to give you your gift last week.”

Husband: “Oh, it’s okay. We don’t need anything.”

Brother-In-Law: “No, you do! You didn’t have a real wedding. You should have a real honeymoon.”

He handed over a brochure with two tickets for a week-long cruise. We were floored. These two are super cheap despite being successful and wealthy.

Me: “This is so nice!”

Sister-In-Law: “You’re going to the Bahamas! It’s in three weeks. I hope you can take off?”

Husband: “I think that’s enough time.”

Me: “Thank you!”

We took off work and went to port, excited to go on our vacation. Imagine our surprise when my brother- and sister-in-law were also there.

Brother-In-Law: “Hi! Ready to go?”

Husband: “Yeah.” *Pauses* “Are you here to see us off, or—”

Sister-In-Law: “No, no. We’re going, too!”

We boarded and learned we were in an interior room with no view. No big deal; it was a free cruise. My in-laws were in the next room. Once we were all situated, we headed out to the buffet. While we were walking around, I saw several signs about a seminar the next day while we were on the water. 

Husband: “So… how did you get this cruise?”

Brother-In-Law: “We won four tickets in a raffle.”

Husband: “Oh. Okay. So… okay.”

Me: “A raffle?”

Brother-In-Law: “Yeah, this company, [Time Share Group], was holding a raffle, and we won four tickets!”

Me: *Putting it together* “So, this is a timeshare thing?”

Brother-In-Law: “Yeah, but it’s easy. You just need to listen to some speech—” *the seminar I’d seen signs for* “—and you get the whole trip for free!

Me: “And if we don’t want to sit through it?”

Brother-In-Law: “It’s [amount] for the room.”

Husband: “You gave us tickets to a timeshare scheme as a wedding gift.”

Sister-In-Law: “No, we gave you a free cruise!”

Me: “Uh-huh…”

Sister-In-Law: “You don’t understand. It’s not a scheme.”

Me: “Okay, then.”

Brother-In-Law: “Wow. You are ungrateful.”

My husband and I attended the presentation and took full advantage of the open bar and buffet afterward, despite not being interested in any timeshare properties.

My in-laws told us they were sick at the time of the presentation, so they didn’t even go. They tried to argue with the presenting team that they could not attend, but they were billed for their room anyway. Then, they tried to convince us to cover half of their cost since we wouldn’t have been there at all if not for their generous gift. We declined.

A few years later, my husband and I finally had enough time and money to go on a proper honeymoon by ourselves.