I’m checking out an older couple. I scan two melons and place them in the bagging area when the old guy says:

Old Guy: “How much for the melons?”

Me: “Uhm, they scanned at [price] each.”

Old Guy: “Not those melons.” *Looks down at my chest.*

Me: “Do you want me to finish scanning your items, or do you want me to call security?”

Old Guy: “Oh my god! Jeeze! It was just a joke!”

His Wife: *To me.* “Please, call security. Have them escort him out. It’s the only way he’ll learn.”

Old Guy: “Why are women so sensitive these days?! It was just a joke!”

Me: *To the wife.* “Would you like me to call security?”

His Wife: “Please.”

I press the button. Security and a manager walk over very fast. I explain the situation.

Security: “Come this way, sir.”

His Wife: “I’ll meet you outside, darling.”

Old Guy: “You can’t do this!”

Manager: “Yes, we can. In fact, considering both an employee AND a customer are asking for it means we can doubly do it. We’ll have you escorted outside, and we’ll leave it at that. If you resist, we’ll have to call the police.”

Old Guy: “Are you serious?! It… was… a… joke!”

Manager: “Now, sir.”

He walks out with security, glaring back at us the whole way.

Me: *To the wife.* “Are you going to be okay?”

His Wife: “Oh, I’ll be fine. He needs to learn that he can’t talk like that anymore. Waiting outside in the rain will be good for him.”

She holds up her car keys.

His Wife: “Considering I have the car keys, he’s not allowed back in the building, and I feel like taking a nice loooong coffee at the in-store café before leaving. Might even treat myself to a muffin…”

According to the security guy keeping an eye on him, he was waiting outside for half an hour before his wife ‘remembered’.

Customer: “If I bring my wife to this movie, is she gonna like it?”

Me: “Does your wife like R-rated gory horror movies with a tone of despair and a nihilistic ending?”

Customer: “No, she likes rom-coms.”

Me: “Well… there’s your answer.”

He takes his wife into the movie anyway. I see her marching out at around the forty-minute mark. He comes out a few minutes behind her, sighs in the lobby, sees me, and says:

Customer: “Ugh… there’s just no way of knowing what women want these days…”

I’m a tour guide in an old medieval city in Europe. I’m walking a group of tourists around, and we’re crossing a famous bridge. A couple has been asking a lot of questions, and the next one from the guy is:

Guy: “Is the bridge man-made?”

Me: “What bridge?”

Guy: “The one we’re standing on!”

Me: “Is the bridge made of stone bricks, that’s perfectly symmetrical in design, as well as having statues and Latin inscriptions carved into it, man-made?”

Guy: “Yeah!”

Me: “Yes, it’s man-made.”

I try to move on with the tour despite some giggling from the others in the tour group. Luckily for us, the guy’s wife loudly says something that conveys our sentiment:

Guy’s Wife: “Man-made?! Gerald, who do you think made it, f****** beavers?!”

The giggling turned into full-blown laughter after that.

We have a small dog who loves to get behind furniture and hide. I don’t know why, but she has no perception when it comes to electrical cords. One frequent victim is the charging cord for my wife’s phone.

One recent evening, my wife picked up her phone to look up something online, only to find it was still almost dead. Sure enough, our pup had gotten tangled in the charging cord and pulled it from the wall.

Me: *Incorrigible punster.* “Puppy, you are a sower of dis-cord!”

Wife: “And dat cord!”

Touché, Wife!

My mother-in-law is visiting for a week. We get along pretty well, and I like her firecracker personality.

The first morning she’s visiting, after breakfast, we see her putting her shoes on and getting ready to leave.

Husband: “Where are you going?”

Mother-In-Law: “Shopping! I don’t come to the city often, and I want to buy some nice clothes.”

Husband: “Oh, I thought you might want to spend the day with your grandchildren.”

Mother-In-Law: “Plenty of time this week for that.”

Husband: “Oh, but [My Name] and I needed to go do some things, and…”

Mother-In-Law: “So you wanted me to stay here alone with the kids as a free babysitter?”

I’m laughing because I know that’s what my husband was thinking, and his silence is proving his guilt.

Mother-In-Law: “Thought so. Look, I’m here on vacation! I’m not here to put socks on centipedes!”

She puts her last shoe on and opens the door.

Mother-In-Law: “My Uber is here. I’ll be back in time for dinner. Have a nice day with your children!”

Mad props to her; she knows what she wants and how to get it. She did spend plenty of time with our two boys that week, but she wanted a “me-day” on her vacation, and as a mother myself, I totally get it.

CORRECTION: Inconsistent character title has been corrected.