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She’s Your Wife, Not Your Servant

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 6, 2021

My wife and her girlfriends all liked getting together for various holidays after college life ended. She had known her girlfriends since first or second grade and they all grew up together. On holidays such as the Fourth of July, Halloween, and Thanksgiving, they’d make plans for everyone to get together with their significant others and eventually kids as they came into the picture.

My wife and I were the first out of her girlfriends to get married and we were the first to have a kid out of the group.

One of her friends got married a year or two after us and had a kid about nine months after we did. I always liked her friend, but I never liked her boyfriend (now husband). He was just one of those people you meet and you can’t figure out why, but you don’t like them. He gave off a bad vibe that I can’t describe. Even the wife’s friend at one point was uncertain if she should stay with him because of how he acted and treated her. He wasn’t physically abusive and he wasn’t really verbally abusive, but he kind of treated her as a mother figure and not a wife. He was always expecting her to drop what she was doing at any given time to do things for him, and he couldn’t be bothered to help out when she needed help. She stuck with him and married him. This story takes place about two years after their first son was born.

I like speaking my mind; it’s the one thing my wife is incapable of until she’s really pissed. She knows I don’t like her friend’s husband and she constantly tells me to not say anything and to be nice when we get together as a group.

Well, this time, my wife isn’t in the room and an opportunity presents itself.

It is a July Fourth get-together. My daughter is about three and my wife’s friend’s son is about two. Inside, at the dining room table, my wife’s friend has my daughter sitting on one knee and her son sitting on the other and she’s entertaining them and helping them eat. My wife is outside chatting with other people and I’m inside helping with my daughter.

From outside, in walks [Friend]’s husband. He sees her sitting at the table with two kids in her lap and helping them eat. I know he sees her because when he walks in, he looks directly at her, and then his eyes shift to me as I sit next to her and my daughter on her knee. He walks through the kitchen area, fills his plate with food, walks past the drinks — beer, assorted alcohol, and pop — and then walks back to the patio door. As he’s about to step outside, he stops, turns, and says to his wife:

Friend’s Husband: “Wifey, go get me a beer and bring it out to me right now.”

Friend: “Sure, I can do that.”

Me: *To the wife’s friend* “No, you’re busy helping the kids. You don’t need to stop what you’re doing to get a beer for him. He should have grabbed his own as he walked by them.”

Friend: “That’s okay. I can get him one.”

She goes to move the kids off her lap, but I stop her and shake my head no.

Friend’s Husband: “Now.”

I shoot her husband a nasty glare and finally get to speak my mind because my wife isn’t in the room to stop me.

Me: “No. She’s busy. You clearly see she has two kids on her lap that she’s helping feed, and you walked right past the beer on your way through the kitchen. You can get your own f****** beer.”

It felt so good to finally say something to that jerk.

He looked at me like a deer in the headlights, his face turned bright red, and he sulked out the door with his food. He never did get a beer from his wife that day, and in the nearly ten years since this incident, he’s avoided me at any gatherings.

The Husband And Wife Do Not Make A Good Crossfit

, , , , , | Right | December 3, 2021

A woman comes in with a return. At first glance, it’s no big deal, just coming in to return a shirt. She hands me the receipt to start processing and we exchange a pleasant greeting.

I take the shirt out of the bag to examine it and it is beyond disgusting. There are brown sweat stains all over it, from the pits to the stomach to the shoulder. It looks like whoever wore it rolled in mud or some nonsense.

Me: “I cannot return the product because it has clearly been used, and only unused and re-sellable items can be returned.”

Customer: “That’s a lie!”

I hold up the shirt and point to the brown pit stains.

Me: “Can’t you see these stains?”

Customer: “Get me your manager!”

I am the manager and I’m not budging! After several minutes of complaining, she finally leaves.

Customer: “I’ll be complaining to corporate and getting you fired!”

Fast forward a few days. A guy walked into the store, found the first store associate he could, and immediately asked for me by name. Uh-oh, here we go again. My associate brought the guy over to where I was standing, and I politely greeted him.

The guy spent the next ten minutes apologizing for his crazy wife verbally abusing my staff and me a few days prior. Apparently, the guy went to the beach and did some type of CrossFit training class IN THE SAND. His wife knew all of this; she was at the class with him! The guy ended up not liking the shirt for some reason and his wife thought she could pull a fast one on us by making a scene.

Keeping Your Cool With This Refrigerator Monster

, , | Right | November 30, 2021

I am the manager on duty. An angry man approaches me.

Customer: “I want a refund on a refrigerator that you sold my wife without getting my permission first!”

The only problem? The place is having a “going out of business sale”. We have signs on each door, register, and aisle, and posted every four to five feet in each aisle denoting that fact. Every sign states, “All sales final.”

Me: “I can’t do that. All sales are final.”

He begins yelling and cursing me out. Everyone else stops and begins paying attention to the scene he’s creating.

Me: “Sir, I am warning you once to stop this behavior or you’ll be tossed from the store.”

He loudly ignores that warning, so I do, in fact, throw him out, all five feet and seven inches of me herding his over-six-foot frame out the door.

Me: “In America, I don’t need your permission to sell your wife an appliance for her kitchen when she has the checkbook.”

Everyone in the building watched little me — normally the friendly, happy, smiling one — get the man out the door without resorting to any physical contact, mouths agape in shock.

The best part is that the refrigerator was bought as a “customer pickup”, not delivery. So, if he wanted his refrigerator, he now had to hire someone, at his expense, to come and get it for him.

Children Singing Tasty Rhyme

, , , , , , | Romantic | November 24, 2021

We had a bit of a party at the weekend, and come Monday evening, we were taking stock of what we had left.

My husband was in the kitchen.

Husband: “We’ve still got a bottle of wine we haven’t finished.”

Then, he looked in the fridge.

Husband: “Looks like we got some leftover sausages, too.”

Then, he burst into song.

Husband: “Christmas time, sausages and wine…”

Me: “Aargh!”

Pregnant, Yes. Helpless, Absolutely Not.

, , , , , | Romantic | November 21, 2021

When I was seven months pregnant, I went on walks in the evenings to keep myself active. My husband usually walked with me, but for some reason — I forget why — he didn’t want to go with me this night, so off I went on my stroll, sticking to the areas illuminated by the lamp posts. We didn’t live in a particularly dangerous area and this was the route I would take with my husband anyway, so I wasn’t worried about going alone.

I didn’t see anyone around at first, but then something caught my eye from behind me. A shadow was getting closer. I kept walking, trying to walk faster but not so fast that I would alert the person behind me. The shadow got closer; I could hear their footsteps now.

They were almost right on top of me when I turned around, planted my feet, and threw everything I had into one punch straight into my follower’s face. 

My husband stood there, blood pouring from his nose, utterly shocked. We walked back together as I apologized non-stop. We went to the hospital to make sure he was okay. While we were waiting to be seen:

Me: “What were you doing?”

Husband: “I thought it was dumb to let my pregnant wife go walking alone. Now I see it was dumb to go along.”