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A Colorful Wedding For A Colorful Family

, , , , , , , , | Related | August 5, 2021

I never wanted kids, and yet, I fell in love, hard, with a widower who had three children. He was former army, straight-laced, and had a sense of humor. I find it slightly ironic that he fell in love with me with my multi-colored hair, tattoos, and free-lancing job.

We were visiting his mother and talking about our wedding.

His Mother: “I really think you should change your hair before the wedding. It’s only two weeks away and your hair is still blue and pink!”

Future Husband: “No, Mom. I like her hair exactly how it is.”

On the way home, his kids asked if they could dye their hair because they want to look more like a family when we get married. My future husband got a huge grin on his face and made the turn to the hair supply store I use.

Come our wedding day, not only was I sporting blue and pink, but one of the daughters had pink, one had purple, and the boy had bright blue hair… and my future husband’s hair had lime green.

I still smile thinking of how amazing that day was.

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Your Most Valuable Possession

, , , , | Romantic | August 4, 2021

We’ve recently been having issues with our garage door, as it will often start to close, make a weird noise, and then open back up. One day, I drop my husband off to pick up his car after getting a minor issue fixed, and since he has to go in and get his keys, I beat him home. Once home, I phone him and ask if I should just leave the garage door open, since he will be home soon.

Husband: “No! There are valuables in there!”

Fair enough; we do have a bike, camping equipment, and several tools in there, so I close it.

Not too long later, he gets home and comes through the door.

Husband: *Complaining* “Why did you lock the front door?”

Me: “There are valuables in here!”

Husband: “But you’re in here!”

I just stood there with my mouth open. It took him a while to realize what he’d said.

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Look Again, Deer

, , , , | Romantic | August 2, 2021

I am driving on the interstate with my wife when the cars in front of us slam to a halt.

Me: “What’s going on? Oh, there’s a deer in the road.”

Wife: “There were three. What’s that? It looks like someone hit a deer. Oh, never mind; it’s just a person. Wait, that would be worse.”

Thankfully, my wife was wrong. It was just some garbage on the shoulder, and I got a laugh of relief.

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Did Everything Just Taste Purple For A Second?

, , , , | Romantic | July 31, 2021

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

I am an elementary school teacher working with kids aged four to six. My husband graduated as a chemical scientist but never worked in the field. He never lost his inquisitive nature. One day, I come home with food dyes. My husband reads the package and goes all “oh” and “hmm” with every E-number and the likes.

Husband: “Wait, they added [ingredient]? How can this be purple, then?”

Me: “I don’t know. The package says it is.”

Husband: “Let’s see how purple this gets.”

The package says one drop is enough for a deep purple, so people should add one drop at a time. My husband adds one drop to a glass of water and, indeed, it is very deep purple.

Me: “Well, that’s purple, all right.”

Husband: “Yes, I never thought that. I wonder what it tastes like?”

Me: “I don’t think they added flavour.”

Husband: “You know what? I’m going to taste it.”

Me: “Wait, that’s a lot of pure food dye. Are you sure? I mean, they say kids get really hyper from this sort of stuff.”

Husband: “Look, there are several studies that say there is no connection between food dye and hyperactivity of children. That’s an old wives’ tale. Besides, I’m thirty-three; I’m a lot bigger than a kid.”

My husband tastes the drink and it tastes like… water. So, he empties the glass and goes about his business. About half an hour later, he complains that he can’t focus and he’s talking very fast. He describes it as having an urge to run around and even scream. He flops on the couch, turns on the TV, zaps through the channels, turns it off again, and goes around the house, agitated.

Me: “Eh, are you all right?”

Husband: “Argh! What are those horses doing in my mind?!”

Me: “I’m sorry to say this, sweetie, but you’re acting like a hyperactive four-year-old. Are you sure you are okay?”

My husband becomes silent and leaves. About ten minutes later, he crashes back onto the couch, completely exhausted, and his mind has finally calmed down. 

Husband: “Forget what those studies say. Our future child will never have chemical food colourings!”

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Find That Spoon Or You’re Totally Forked

, , , , | Right | July 22, 2021

I come home after school one day, and my stepdad greets me with this question.

Stepdad: “Do you have a favorite spoon?”

Me: “No? Why?”

He explains that this morning he dropped my mom’s favorite spoon, one more circular than our other spoons, down the garbage disposal, and the blades left nicks that ruined it. Mom asked him to buy another one while she’s at work, so he headed off to a local department store, spoon in hand.

Employee: “How can I help you today?”

Stepdad: *Showing the spoon* “Do you have a spoon just like this?”

Employee: “Oh, you dropped your wife’s favorite spoon down the garbage disposal, hm?”

The employee did show him where to find a replacement spoon, but he had this conversation with two other employees while he was there. Apparently, this is a common occurrence!

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