This Sounds Like A Fair Deal To Us

, , , , | Romantic | January 31, 2021

My wife cooks; I clean up after. It’s a system that works really well for us, as she hates doing the washing up and I find basic cooking dull.

Occasionally, I will see a recipe for something special that I want to try, so we swap, much to my wife’s dismay.

Me: “I’ve seen this cauliflower cheese recipe that I want to try.”

Wife: “Oh, okay.”

Me: “It looks great.”

Wife: “Sure, but I mean, how great can cauliflower cheese be?”

Me: “I know what you’re saying, but let’s give it a go.”

I boil, roast, bake, and finish by grilling the cauliflower in the sauce. It turns out perfect. Despite my efforts, this leaves a lot of mess and washing up to do, this has to be good to impress.

After dinner:

Wife: “That cauliflower…”

Me: “Yeah?”

Wife: “I hate to admit it, but that was the best I have ever had. Can you make it again?”

Me: “Even with all the washing up?”

Wife: *Pauses* “Yeah, even with the washing up.”


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Sew A Patch On This Marriage

, , , | Romantic | January 25, 2021

I’ve recently picked up embroidery. I have a hard time using my full-sized scissors on the thread, so I look for my small ones and find them in the spare room. My wife was using them to trim her plants. If you sew, you know what my reaction is! Thankfully, they are low-quality anyway, so I just talk to my wife about not breaking my stuff and move on.

A few days later, I am embroidering and my wife comes up to me.

Wife: “I need to rearrange the zip ties in the mouse cage. Can I use your scissors? They’re the only ones we have that are the right size.”

Me: “You used my sewing scissors to cut zip ties? Seriously? Fine, just make sure you don’t use the ones I’ll be buying soon.”

I hand them to her since they’re already broken.

Wife: “Yeah. Oh, is that why they’ve gotten dull?”

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White-Collar Workers Need To Get With The Times

, , , , , , | Right | January 19, 2021

This happens in the 1980s at a time when direct selling parties are all the rage. I am attending a party marketing cleaning products — face, body, household, etc. After being guided through giving ourselves facials, the consultant moves on to talking about laundry products. One of the attendees interrupts her spiel.

Attendee: “I already use a lot of this stuff but I’m still having trouble removing stains from inside my husband’s collars. He’s getting angry at me because he keeps having to spend money on new shirts and says that I am wasting money buying products that don’t work. Is there something that will definitely work?”

Consultant: “I do have some items that will work for that.”

She picks up one of the facial cleansers, a cake of soap, and a washcloth.

Consultant: “Just put a little cleanser or rub the soap onto a wet washer and—”

Attendee: *Interrupting* “I’ve already tried soap and I doubt that face cleanser would work on fabric.”

Consultant: “No, as I was saying, after doing that, you give the washer to your husband and tell him to wash his neck — either that or scrub his own d*** collars. It’s things like this that make me glad I never married.”

Everyone laughs. A few weeks later, I am back with the same group. The consultant asks the attendee how the collars are now.

Attendee: “He wasn’t happy with using women’s products but agreed to try it. I haven’t had to scrub a collar since and he wants me to order more face cleanser!”

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The Worst Kind Of Wedgie

, , , , | Romantic | January 14, 2021

I make the mistake of not putting my new underwear in a lingerie bag when I wash them in the washing machine. I should’ve washed them by hand, in hindsight. One thong gets caught in the agitator and some socks and other panties get tangled up into a bundle. It takes ten frustrating minutes to untangle the whole thing.

When I come upstairs, I am cursing the washing machine and my own stupidity.

Me: “Stupid f****** machine!”

Husband: “What’s wrong, hon?”

I explain what happened. He kind of chuckles. 

Me: “What?”

Husband: “So, basically, you’ve got your panties in a bunch?”

I’m still giggling at that two days later. He knows how to cheer me up.

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There’s One In Every Relationship

, , , , | Romantic | December 31, 2020

While dropping off my kids at my mother’s for a sleepover, I get a text from my husband of eighteen years that says, “You know, I would be lost without you.” How sweet! Or, so I think. 

When I get home, he is sitting on the floor in our living room with five remote controls in front of him, glaring at our TV. We have a big-screen TV, soundbar, cable box, and several devices connected to the TV for streaming and gaming which he doesn’t know how to use very well. I am the tech queen of the house.

Husband: “I’ve been trying to get a movie on for when you got home, but I can’t figure out how to use the Firestick, I don’t know how to get to Netflix, and I don’t know what is and isn’t free On Demand. I sat here thinking to myself that you’d better not ever leave me or I’ll never be able to watch TV again! That’s when I texted you.”

Apparently, he’d only be lost without me when he wants to watch TV.

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