Being Married Has A Nice Ring(Tone) To It

, , , , | Romantic | October 7, 2019

I am working as a cashier in a pet store, ringing up a frequent customer, when his mobile rings. The ring tone is a clip from Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” 

When he answers it with, “Hi, honey,” I realize that it is his wife calling, who is also here frequently.

I held it together until he left, and then I burst out laughing.

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What Drives Parents

, , , | Related | October 3, 2019

(My sister, my nephew, and I are walking from our car to the store when a big white car suddenly backs up at us. The driver doesn’t seem to see us, and I hit it.)

Me: “Hey, watch where you’re going!”

(I see him wave at us.)

Sister: “Oh, my God! Are you okay? He almost hit us!” *clutching her baby*

Me: “I’m fine; he just wasn’t looking where he was going!”

(Later, we get home and my sister’s husband is there. I tell him what happened and my sister gives me a look.)

Her Husband: *to sister* “You need to be more careful!”

Sister: “I couldn’t do a thing!”

Me: “It’s not her fault; it’s that stupid guy who wasn’t looking!”

Her Husband: *ignores me* “Be. More. Careful.” *leaves*

Me: “So, if someone runs over [Nephew], he’s going to blame you?”

Sister: “Shh! And yes, he would, because parents are always responsible for what happens to their kids. Always.”

(I tried to say there are exceptions to that but she wouldn’t listen. Definitely a weird thing to think.)

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They Made It There In Less Than Twelve Parsecs

, , , , | Romantic | September 28, 2019

(My husband and I are the couple from “A Long Time Ago, In A Ballet Performance Far, Far Away.” We’re flying from New York to Washington State for an Alaskan cruise. He’s a very nervous flyer, and this is a long trip. The plane starts to rumble down the tarmac for takeoff.)

Husband: *looks nervous and a little sick*

Me: “Just pretend the plane is the Millennium Falcon, and we’re blasting off from Mos Eisley spaceport.”

Husband: *smiles and remembers why he married me*

(He was fine, the plane was fine, and we had a great trip.)

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Not What “Two Become One” Means

, , , , | Related | September 25, 2019

(While I like my sister’s husband, ever since they got together, it seems they’ve melded into one person. If I ask her to do something — shopping, the movies, pampering, etc — she either replies that her husband is unavailable or he just doesn’t want to do what I’ve suggested. I’ve even asked if she wants to have a GIRL’S DAY but I get the same answer. I’ve brought this to her attention several times but she brushes me off, saying I’m exaggerating. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me resent them a little bit.)

Husband: “[Sister] likes chicken parmesan, right?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Husband: “Are you gonna invite her over?”

Me: “I can try but if [Her Husband] isn’t free she’s just going to say no.”

Husband: “She can’t come over without him?”

Me: “Every time I ask her to do something, it has to be with him or not at all. I don’t know if that’s how she wants it or if he’s that controlling or what.”

Husband: “Oh.”

Me: “I’ll call her.”

(I call her on speaker.) 

Sister: “Hello?”

Me: “Hey, [Sister], what are you doing tonight?”

Sister: “Um, nothing as far as I know. [Her Husband] is in [Another City] for a few days.”

Husband: “Wanna come over for dinner? We’re making chicken parmesan!”

Sister: “Oh. Um. I don’t know.”

Me: “Come over; you won’t have to cook.”

Sister: “Well, [Her Husband] is supposed to call in a few hours and I should be home.”

Me: “You can’t take his call here or call him back later?”

Sister: “I just think it would be better if I’m home when he calls.”

Me: “Fine. I’ll talk to you later.”

Sister: “Are you mad?”

Me: “Forget it. Bye.” *hangs up*

Husband: *jokingly* “Maybe she just doesn’t want to hang out with you.”

Me: “Shut up. Maybe it’s you.”

Husband: *shrug*

(We went on with our evening. Like everyone else our age, we took pictures of our food and posted them on social media. A few friends liked it, a few commented. My sister commented, asking if we would pack up some leftovers and drop them off for her and her husband. No, there were no leftovers.)

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Al Simmons Is Having Babies

, , , , | Romantic | September 25, 2019

(My wife has just gotten a letter; I ask her what it is.)

Wife: “An invite to my cousin’s… What’s that called? Spawning party?”

Me: “Baby shower?”

Wife: “Yes!”

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