This Relationship Doesn’t Sound Like A Party

, , , , , | Romantic | February 16, 2021

I’m a woman and one of my best friends is a man. We tend to make pretty crude jokes to each other. One day, I find a truly awful piece of “art” for sale on a site for handmade goods; the best words to describe it would be “unicorn sex party.” I can’t resist, and I email my best friend the link with some silly comment like, “Hey, now I know what to get you for your birthday!” The following day, he yells at me.

Friend: “Why did you email that link? My wife was really offended!”

Me: “I didn’t mean to offend anyone; I was just being silly. Why was she offended, though? I sent it to you.”

My friend speaks slowly, as though explaining something to a child.

Friend: “Because we share the same email address. You know, like all normal married couples do. I’m sure you and [Husband] have the same address.”

Me: “You’d lose that bet because no, we don’t.”

Friend: *Pauses* “Really? You mean that you get emails that he doesn’t see, and vice-versa?”

Me: “Yes?”

Friend: “Huh. I’d never trust [Wife] that much, and I know for a fact that she wouldn’t trust me.”

I learned something about my friend’s marriage that day. I couldn’t help but be a bit sad.

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Sometimes That’s All It Takes

, , , , | Romantic | February 12, 2021

My wife and I text while she is at work. I receive this message.

Wife: “Today hasn’t been a good day. :(”

A few minutes later: 

Wife: “Oh, it got a bit better. There is cake!”

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Missing Her Husband And Her Manners

, , , | Right | February 11, 2021

I work at a specialist office. One day, while we are extremely busy, a patient’s wife goes up to talk to my coworker. I do not overhear the conversation as I am tied up, but after I finish what I am doing, the lady approaches me.

Lady: “Do you know where [Husband] is?”

Me: “Sorry, I don’t. He hasn’t even checked in with us yet.”

Lady: “He was just at the desk here! He wouldn’t have just disappeared!” 

Me: “Yeah, I’m really sorry, but I’m not too sure.”

Lady: *Storming away* “You guys are crazy!”

Later, the lady’s husband shows up at the front desk to check in with us; he has been in the washroom the whole time! I can tell that this lady has been very upset and nervous, because she keeps breaking out into relieved and anxious laughter at the desk with us, hardly apologizing. After the two check in and sit down, I turn to my coworker.

Me: “What did you say to the lady when she first came up?”

Coworker: “That he was in the bathroom.”

Me: “Seriously?!”

Coworker: “Some people just don’t listen.”

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You Can’t Just Go Around Licking People’s Bean Bags!

, , , , , | Romantic | February 8, 2021

My husband has a padded tray he uses for his laptop. Noticing it’s damp, he sighs and turns to our dog.

Husband: “You’ve been licking my bean bag, haven’t you?”

I dissolve into laughter.

Husband: “No! The thing under my laptop!”

I laugh even more.

Husband: “Wait. That doesn’t sound any better.”

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We Get The Feeling He Knows Where He Stands

, , , , , | Romantic | February 4, 2021

Me: *In an increasingly silly voice* “I love you! I love you! I looove yooouu!”

Husband: *From the other room* “I love you, too!”

Me: *Quietly, to the dog* “Shoot. Should we tell him I was talking to you? No, right?”

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