(My partner sometimes talks in his sleep. He just looks at me, utters a few nonsensical things, and goes right back to deep sleep.)

Partner: *mumbling* “I’m sorry! I enabled them.”

Me: “What?”

Partner: “I enabled them! I enabled the gay monsters to s*** in here.”

Me: “O… kay. Sure, baby.”

Partner: *mumbles and snores softly*

(I thought he was messing with me at first but, as usual, he was sound asleep and will have no recollection of it when I retell the story later.)

(My husband and I are scrolling through the free games on our Xbox to see if there’s anything interesting enough to play. We settle on one and decide we’ll play it once we have our daughter down for bed.)

Me: “Are you ready to play Goat Stimulator?”

Husband: *gives me an odd look*

Me: “I mean Goat Simulator! Goat Stimulator would be a completely different game.”

(My husband has been disabled the past two years and now sits down to use the toilet. He is also on day two of quitting smoking, so he still goes and sits out on our deck for “a break.” Tonight I join him on the deck.)

Me: “After sitting on that hard seat, I think I need to go poop.”

Husband: “Try sitting on the toilet. Now that I sit to pee, sometimes it just happens, and I’m like, ‘Oh, I needed to poop.’”

Me: *giggling* “Yeah, I get that.” *laughing* “It’s like it’s happened every single day of my life.”

Husband: “Oh, my God. I just explained sitting on the toilet to relieve myself… to a woman.”

Me: *belly-laughing*

Husband: *head in his hands* “I’m an idiot.”

(My husband and I visit a popular fast food chain for some unhealthy snacks on our way home. On the way in, I giggle to myself as soon as I see multiple large signs stating there’s no ice cream or milkshakes because the machine is broken, something that’s not too uncommon with this particular chain. After we’ve sat down to eat…)

Me: “I wonder how often people tried to order milkshakes or ice cream today with that poor employee.”

Husband: *totally oblivious* “Why?”

Me: “Because there are literally four signs on the way from the door to the counter stating they don’t have any today. The machine is broken.”

Husband: “Oh? Really? Didn’t see any…”

(Point proven, I guess.)

([Doctor #1] and [Doctor #2] are married. [Doctor #1] is a neurosurgeon and [Doctor #2] works in the NICU. They’ve made a cake for a coworker’s birthday.)

Doctor #2: “Can we write anything better than just, ‘Happy Birthday, [Coworker]!’ on the cake?”

Doctor #1: “You have doctor handwriting and can’t write anything on the cake.”

Doctor #2: “You’re also a doctor!”

Doctor #1: *jokingly* “Excuse me. Neurosurgery is the calligraphy of medicine. These hands are the surgeon’s hands! Artist’s hands!”

Doctor #2: *laughing* “Okay, Dr. Artist, go ahead.”

([Doctor #1] grabs the frosting and accidentally leans on the tray the cake is sitting on. The tray scoots backward and he grabs it to stop it from falling off the counter, but he misjudges the weight and pulls it off the counter towards him. Instinct kicks in and he tries to catch it with his foot but ends up punting it directly into a wall.)

Doctor #2: *sitting on the ground and crying with laughter* “If you ever come into the NICU and try to touch a baby, I’ll have you shot.”