My manager is taking reservations for graduation weekend, one of the busiest times for restaurants in my town. She gets this call from a woman who wants to make a change to her reservation.

Caller: “I already made a reservation for grad week for five people, but I was wondering if we could reserve a bigger table, like for six people.”

Manager: “Are you adding another guest to your reservation?”

Caller: “No, it’s still five people; we just need a larger table.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but we are completely booked for that weekend and we need the larger tables for the larger parties.”

Caller: *Sighs* “It’s just… my husband… he’s just so fat.”

Manager: *A bit taken aback* “Oh, well, umm… perhaps we could find a smaller table to add to yours, but I can’t promise anything, since the seating plan will already be a bit tight. I’ll see what we can do.”

Caller: “Okay, I guess that’ll work. He’s… just so fat.”

Manager: “Okay, well, is there anything else I can help you with?”

Caller: “No, that’s all. Thank you.” *Mumbling to herself* “…just so fat.”

The phone rings.

Me: “Meat department, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. Did you serve an older man in his early fifties with salt and pepper hair? He would have been buying a couple of steaks?”

Me: “Um… I’m not sure. We’ve served a bunch of customers today.”

Customer: “I’m in there all the time with my husband. He’s really tall and good-looking. I’ve got short brown hair. Did you serve him?”

Me: “I mean, it’s possible. Was there a problem with the steaks?”

Customer: “No. I’m out of town. I think my husband is cheating on me. That’s why I wanted to know how many steaks he bought. It’s just him this week; he shouldn’t be buying two. Can you guys check the transactions?”

Me: “That’s not really something we can do. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Next time I come in, I’ll introduce myself so you can keep an eye out.”

My partner is in the latter stages of recovering from a serious car accident. At this point, it’s pretty obvious that he will have a permanent limp, and I’m trying to convince him to get a cane so he can get around better. 

Partner: “I don’t want people to look at and treat me like I’m an old man!”

Me: “You’re only twenty-eight. I think you’ll be fine, hun.”

Partner: “Nope. Not getting one.”

Me: “Okay, think about it this way: it gives you a weapon that’s socially acceptable for you to take literally anywhere.”

He looked at me and opened and closed his mouth like a fish a few times before huffing at me. He got a cane!

My mother-in-law is VERY into ceramics. Each year for Christmas, as a family tradition, she makes several ceramics ranging from Christmas ornaments to Santa and snowman statues and decor. It’s my first Christmas with my in-laws, and we are painting said ceramics. I finish mine, but my husband has not yet finished and we will have to come back so he can finish painting his Santa statue.

Husband: “I’m just gonna write the color I’m using on the bottom of my ceramic so I don’t forget which one it is when we come back.”

He picks up the bottle and reads the color.

Husband: “Red… rooj… ro-joe… That’s a weird color name!”

Me: “Babe… you do realize that’s just ‘red’ in three different languages, right? English, French, and Spanish? Red, rouge, and rojo.”

He still hasn’t lived it down to this day.

I never wanted kids, and yet, I fell in love, hard, with a widower who had three children. He was former army, straight-laced, and had a sense of humor. I find it slightly ironic that he fell in love with me with my multi-colored hair, tattoos, and free-lancing job.

We were visiting his mother and talking about our wedding.

His Mother: “I really think you should change your hair before the wedding. It’s only two weeks away and your hair is still blue and pink!”

Future Husband: “No, Mom. I like her hair exactly how it is.”

On the way home, his kids asked if they could dye their hair because they want to look more like a family when we get married. My future husband got a huge grin on his face and made the turn to the hair supply store I use.

Come our wedding day, not only was I sporting blue and pink, but one of the daughters had pink, one had purple, and the boy had bright blue hair… and my future husband’s hair had lime green.

I still smile thinking of how amazing that day was.