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Sadly, We Think The Tip Might Be Cut In Half, Too

, , , , | Right | January 5, 2023

Our restaurant is super busy today. I’ve just dropped off the food at a table occupied by a couple.

Husband: “You need to cut my sandwich in half.”

He did not specify this when ordering. Rather than walk it all the way back to the kitchen and bother a bunch of slammed line cooks, I bring him a steak knife.

Husband: “Can you, like, do it for me?”

He is a fully capable adult. I’ve seen him tapping away on his phone and drinking with perfect precision.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m not going to touch your food before you eat it. Can you just do it?”

He rolls his eyes and gives a huff and a puff.

Wife: “Jesus, [Husband], give me the d*** knife.”

She cut his sandwich in half for him.

When There’s Fire, But Not In The Marriage

, , , , , , , | Right | January 1, 2023

The fire alarm has gone off in the mall where our store is located. We usher the few customers in our store outside so we can all head outside.

Me: “Excuse me, sir, we have to evacuate due to the fire alarm.”

Customer: “But I’m still shopping.”

Me: “You can continue shopping if it’s a false alarm and we can reopen, but we all need to leave right now.”

Customer: “I need to get a present for my wife! It’s our anniversary tonight!”

Me: “Sir, I am sure your wife would rather have you alive than have a gift.”

Customer: “…You haven’t met my wife.”

Wishing Mew A Very Mewry Christmas

, , , , , , , , | Right | December 28, 2022

It is just before Christmas. A man comes in and grabs the first “Happy Holidays to my wife” card he sees. He then spends the next few minutes looking around the shelves at the rest of the Christmas cards, looking increasingly frustrated.

Me: “Can I offer you any help?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m trying to find a Christmas card for my cat.”

Not what I was expecting.

Me: “I see. Well, I can imagine that could be difficult because—”

Customer: “—there are just so many options, I know!”

He settles on a Christmas card that has a painting of a wintry scene with a pond.

Customer: “I’ll take this one.”

Me: *Not knowing what else to say* “Good choice!”

Customer: “Can I bring it back if she doesn’t like it?”

Me: “As long as it’s not written on, you’ll be fine.”

He nodded and made the purchases, and to this day, I don’t know if he was talking about his wife or his cat.

Husbands Who Are Easily Confused And Wives Who Are Easily Deceived

, , , , | Right | December 27, 2022

I work at a pasta shop while in high school. When we don’t sell the fresh stuff within a couple of days, we freeze it so it won’t go bad and sell it at a discount, but if there are any frozen ones — which isn’t often — they run out.

A middle-aged man comes in.

Customer: “I want a large frozen lasagne.”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I just checked the freezer and we don’t have any, but if you want, you can get a regular large lasagne and freeze it at home. They freeze pretty well.”

He looks confused for a moment.

Customer: “…no?”

He leaves the store.

About an hour later there’s a call for our manager from a woman. After a minute or two, she comes to talk to us, still holding the phone.

Manager: “Were any of you serving a man who asked for a large frozen lasagne?”

Me: “That was me.”

Manager: *Incredulously* “Did you… laugh at the man and tell him that if he wanted a frozen lasagna to go to [Chain Supermarket]?”

Me: *Laughing* “Uh… no!”

She tells the woman on the phone this, and we can hear the woman (who, by the way, wasn’t ACTUALLY there) yelling at my manager.

Caller: “Are you calling me a liar?!”

Manager: “I’m not, but I have a very hard time believing that one of my girls would do that.”

Caller: *Click*

Manager: “My theory: wife sends husband to get one thing. He gets confused by a sudden limitation of options and leaves but is terrified of his wife and doesn’t want her to get mad at him because he failed to do this one task. So, he tells her some BS in the hopes that she’ll forget about it. She does not.”

At What Point Is It Appropriate To Start Chanting, “Jerry! Jerry!”?

, , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: mstarrbrannigan | December 16, 2022

I work in a hotel, and my morning started off with a bang. As the night audit worker left, he mentioned [Man #1] and [Woman #1], who he’d checked into [Room] forty-five minutes prior. He’d had them pay the early check-in fee, but that was all the excitement of his shift.

About forty-five minutes later, a woman called.

Woman #2: “Is [Man #1] staying at your hotel?”

Me: “I’m not able to give out that sort of information, and I will not be checking to see if he’s staying here.”

Woman #2: “It’s fine; he’s my husband.”

Me: “Ma’am, it is not fine. Regardless of a relation to a possible guest, we do not ever confirm if someone is staying here or not.”

Woman #2: “Fine. I’ll just come down there.”

I hoped she wouldn’t.

About twenty minutes later, my hopes were crushed. [Woman #2] showed up with another man, and they approached the desk.

Woman #2: “Look, we know [Man #1] is here; his car is out front.”

Me: “I can’t help you; there is no information I can give you.”

Both of them were extremely frustrated that I wouldn’t help.

Man #2: “But it’s an emergency!”

Me: “If there’s an emergency, you’ll need to call the police.”

So, they called the police. The officer who showed up has helped me out several times, so I’m pretty familiar with him. He talked things over with [Woman #2] and [Man #2]. It turns out that these two were the respective spouses of our guests, [Man #1] and [Woman #1], and they believed the two to be cheating together.

[Officer] pointed out that this was not a police matter. The jilted husband then decided to insist:

Man #2: “There is no way my wife would have gone willingly with [Man #1]! She is obviously drunk and being taken advantage of!”

None of us believed him, but the officer wanted to watch security footage of the check-in and the paramours heading to their room to confirm that neither of them was under duress. The jilted spouses tried to watch the footage, but the officer told them off.

Watching the security footage, the lady was maaaaaaaybe tipsy but certainly there of her own free will.

Officer: “Try contacting the room. Tell them a welfare check was called in.”

To no one’s surprise, they didn’t answer, so we left it at that.

Officer: “I can tell these folks to leave for you, and I’ll hang around until they’re gone.”

[Woman #2] left in a van, but [Man #2] hung around for a bit and told the officer his car battery was dead. The officer told him he still needed to leave and could not wait for a ride on the property.

At first, he seemed resolute to toe the line and stand literally on the edge of the four-lane highway outside, which is obviously public property, but after a moment of that, he joined [Woman #2], whose van we spotted parked at the gas station across the way.

After the officer left, the head of housekeeping and I joked around, saying the jilted spouses should just get together; then, everyone would be happy. It’s not like we felt great covering for a cheating couple, but it was also super not our business. We wondered how long they would wait over there, considering they also had at least one child with them.

We did not have to wait terribly long to find out. Maybe twenty or thirty minutes later, the cheaters left their room. As the cheaters got close to their car, it became clear to us that their spouses had spotted them, but the couple seemed to be blissfully unaware. The van peeled off down the road to be able to make a U-turn to get back to us, while [Man #2] sprinted across four lanes of traffic. Once he got to our side, he pulled the car door open to scream at his wife as the van pulled into the parking lot. [Woman #2] got out and ran to the driver’s side to slap and scream at her husband.

I was concerned that things might become increasingly violent, so I called the police back before somebody got more than their ego hurt. While I was still on the phone, [Woman #2] ran back to the van, and honestly, for a moment, I thought she was going to ram her husband’s car with the van. But instead, she backed out and drove off. Meanwhile, [Man #2] was trying to coax his wife out of the car or something.

The police showed up and quickly defused the remaining situation. [Woman #1] got out of the car. An officer took each half of the couple aside to confirm the situation with them. A friend or brother of one half of the couple also showed up to confront [Woman #1], so she was just not having a great day. I did not feel too bad for her. [Man #1] was allowed to leave to go get his comeuppance at home with his wife, I assume.

Ultimately, [Man #2] and [Woman #1] seemed to leave together. I say “seemed” because about half an hour later, [Man #2] was back at the desk, no wife in sight. It turns out his car was still dead, and he needed a jump.

I felt for the guy even though he’d been a pain in my butt for the entire morning. I also just so happened to be parked directly next to him and have jumper cables, so I went out and jumped the guy’s car for him. He thanked me for my help and told me to have a good day, and I said, “You, too,” without thinking.

Pretty sure the chance of this guy’s day turning around is slim to none.