I’m the handy one. My partner is not.

Me: “Hey! There’s an electric drill on sale!”

Partner: “So?”

Me: “So, it could be helpful when I need to hang things.”

Partner: “It’s not worth it. Don’t buy it.”

Me: “Only if you agree to drill the hole the next time.”

Partner: “Sure. It’s no big deal.”

A few months later, I buy a new coat rack.

Me: “Honey! It’s time to drill!”

Partner: “Okay.”

Ten minutes later:

Partner: “Why… didn’t… I buy… the drill?!”

My husband and I are on our way home from somewhere and stop at our local convenience store for a fountain drink. As per recent city bylaw, we are both wearing masks. As we leave, he starts complaining about other people in the store who aren’t masked.

Husband: “I don’t like wearing a mask either, but…” 

He continues into a long rant about how we’re supposed to wear them.

At this point, we’re in the car, and I’m struggling to put my seatbelt on while holding my drink.

Husband: “Hon, we’re only a few blocks from home; you don’t need to put on your seatbelt.”

He then continued with his rant about people not following the law. I decided not to point out the irony.

My husband and I are visiting my family’s home along with my sister and her husband. The conversation has turned to what we are eating tonight.

Sister: “[Her Husband] doesn’t even like potatoes, which is strange, because he has Russian ancestry!”

Mom: “The Russians didn’t really eat potatoes, though.”

Sister: “Yes, they did! The Russians literally made alcohol from potatoes. Even the Irish never did that!”

I am old enough that I’ve gone through menopause. A few months ago, I had some bleeding, so my doctor wanted to do a biopsy. This was very uncomfortable, not because of the biopsy itself, but due to me having to be dilated. Having never had children, I’d never experienced the pain. 

Today, I have a followup biopsy to make sure everything is still okay since the first one turned out okay.

I tell my husband that when I come home I’ll take one of my strong painkillers to help with the pain. The following exchange takes place.

Husband: “Why are you going to do that? They’re only taking a snip of tissue.”

Me: “It’s not the snip that hurts. It’s the dilation!”

The kicker is that he and his ex have two kids. It shouldn’t be a foreign concept to him!

But on the plus side, my mother-in-law who took me got me a pack of snack-size dark chocolate bars! That’s one of my favorite takeaways from “Harry Potter”: that chocolate makes everything better. And best of all, it’s scientifically proven.

In the time before the plague, my husband and I used to be avid convention attendees. It was fun, both to dress up and see others in costume, and wherever we go, we always bring a digital camera with us, just so we don’t fill up our phones completely.

One year, on the third day of a three-day convention, we were on the signing floor, and my husband was waiting in line for a celebrity that I was not a fan of. Instead of waiting in line, I elected to go to the shop floor, digital camera in hand. On the way there, I spotted a trio of cosplayers dressed up as Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition and got their permission to snap a picture. I (purposely) never got around to telling my husband about it, and it was quickly buried by pictures of other costumes.

A week later, after we had both gotten home, my husband was going through the camera with a friend while I was working on something else in the same room. It was very rewarding when the running commentary that accompanied each picture suddenly stopped, and my husband looked over at me in surprise. “Well,” he said, “I wasn’t expecting this.”

Best prank I’ve ever pulled.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2020 roundup!

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