A customer has purchased some furniture and wheeled it out to his car. He storms back in, angrily saying:

Customer: “It doesn’t fit in my car!”

Me: “We recommend you measure the furniture first before buying it to make sure it can fit in your vehicle.”

Customer: “I did, and it was only four inches too big, so I thought for sure it would squeeze in.”

I had to explain to him that wood isn’t really known for its ‘squeezy’ properties. This angered him further, and he stormed out. Later that day, his wife came in, apologizing on his behalf, and paid for home delivery. As I was processing the delivery:

Customer’s Wife: “I’m surprised he thought four inches was something small, as I’ve spent our entire marriage reassuring him that four inches is plenty big…”

We parents are dropping off our kids (four to five years old) at preschool. I’m with my husband, as we’re all on the same route to work, so it works out nicely that we both can drop off our son.

Husband: “Bye, [Son]! Love you! Have a good day!”

Son: “Bye, fat-a**!”

My husband looks shocked; other parents are staring, but I’m just laughing.

Husband: “Why are you laughing?!”

Me: “Because I know he didn’t get that from me! I told you a million times to watch what you say in front of him, so this is perfect! This is a conversation for you to have after school.”

It took our kid finally going to school and being around other kids and adults for my husband to finally watch his mouth and to realize that kids are sponges. Now he says fudge, bullzit, and other equally off-brand swears…

I was on a baby first aid course, and we were being told how to do CPR on a baby. A soon-to-be dad raises his hand to ask:

Soon-To-Be-Dad: “Are the rescue breaths sucking the air out of the baby’s mouth?”

Trainer: *After blinking a few times.* “No, you’re blowing into their mouth, not sucking out.”

Soon-To-Be-Dad: “But how can you be sure?”

Trainer: “Just do it how I showed you, and you should be good.”

His pregnant partner beside him gives him a gentle slap on the shoulders.

Pregnant Partner: “Honestly, Barry, calm down! You’re going to be a dad, not a dementor!”

There are some turns of phrase that are regional and are not used everywhere in a country. These regional phrases can also sometimes be things someone from another area might have never heard before…which leads to something that happened to me recently.

Me: “Hey, I’m gonna head to Dunkin’s. Do you want a donut?”

Husband: “Oh my god, so much.”

Me: “Is this a Boston Creme kind of day? Or do you want a jelly?”

Husband: “Six of one, half dozen of the other.”

Me: “…seriously?”

Husband: “Thanks for doing this. I want a donut so bad right now.”

Me: “Yeah… apparently.”

What my husband meant was “It’s all the same to me, so grab whatever they have.” As someone who had never heard this phrase before and was about to go to a donut shop… I thought my husband wanted a dozen donuts with an even split between the two options I’d presented. I came home with fourteen donuts, a dozen for my husband and two for me.

I work in a brick-and-mortar store for a phone company. A guy walks in and demands:

Customer: “How do I open your app?!”

Me: “Are you having problems logging in? I can help you reset your password.”

Customer: “No! How do I open it?!”

He waves his phone in my face, and our app icon is right on the front.

Me: “Is it not responding when you press it?”

Customer: *Very confused.* “Press on it? What are you talking about?!”

I reach over and push the app icon. It opens. The guy is completely baffled, like I just performed magic.

Me: “If you didn’t know how to open an app, how did you download it?

Customer: “Oh, my wife does all that stuff. I just carry it. She’s out of town. So… you just touch the app?”

Me: “Yes, sir, your phone is a touch screen. Like, pretty much all touch screen. How have you been using your phone without realizing that?”

Customer: “Oh, people just call me, and I pass my phone to my wife, and she hands it back, and I talk to people.”

Me: “You don’t use it for anything else?”

Customer: “She brings up funny little videos for me sometimes.”

Me: “Nothing else?”

Customer: “What else is there? It’s just a phone!”

And off he walks with his $1,200 smartphone…